looking back

This year has been very very eventful. Kind of like riding a wild horse. Today in church i was reminded to take time to look back at my life and see if God has been good. Maybe I can see things a bit more clearly so thats what i'm going to do. This post is a work in progress.

Ok so the past few days my internet time has been limited that why i can't update. I'm back in kuching and have been occupied with stuff.

I've been thinking about it and i guess i want to thank God for the everyday blessings. For a place to live, for friends, for food to eat everyday, for health. I've been a while since i went to a hospital because i was sick. I still get flu every now and then but nothing serious. I thank God for the opportunity to serve in church both in kuching and miri and also in vcf. I count it as a privilege. And finally i thank God for my family, for keeping them safe and healthy.

-ONWARD

dream fighter

I just like the music, its energetic and its japanese :p and although they're no wondergirls, they're not bad. Dream fighter by perfume.

-ONWARD

avatar movie

Avatar basically means an alter ego. Yahoo has this thing where you can create a virtual you and fill it with a nice background, style your hair and what not. Same idea as the movie. But in the case of the movie, the alter ego is biologically engineered to look like the Na'vi the natives of planet pandora where an obviously american corporation has base and mines unobtainium. Cool name if you ask me.

Without revealing too much i must say its a nice-ish movie. Its almost 3hrs long so be prepared if you want to go see it and you should. There's a lot of cg in the movie. So much that i wondered why they didn't just make it an animated movie like titan ae. There was something about the water, i dunno it felt weird for me like it was not real.

I probably should wait before publishing this because i really don't know what to make of the movie. There are stuff going on that i don't know where i stand on them. This has got to be the strangest thought on a movie i've done but i will say this. Its a very engaging movie and watch with your eyes open and your brains working. Questions some of the way things are done and let me know what you think. As ratings go its an 8/10 for me.

-ONWARD

real talk

Routine. has been the story of my life these few days. It sucks staying back in miri now when there are less than a hand-full of people here. Everyday its the same thing. Kind of like living each new day in a replay of the previous. And there's a possibility i'll be spending christmas alone, huhu.

Onset insomnia. is what i have. I don't know how i got it, i don't know how to lose it but for weeks now i can't sleep until its 5 in the morning. Well except for sundays where it takes considerable effort - changing my alarms, asking someone to wake me up, actively staying awake, to keep me upright for the most part of the day. Although i feel drowsy all through the service. This is bad.

Had an interesting talk with my mom this morning. Even though she's thousands of miles away i feel like she's right here. Mothers are a blessing. The past few months have been rather difficult for me, personally. I know what you're thinking, its not THAT. Its just... you get used to something even when you know its not the way it ought to be but...adaptation? Anyway i miss having someone talk to me, i mean real talk. it can do wonders for a man.

Well where ever you are, i want to wish you the best of the season. Merry Christmas :)

p.s the title of this post was suppose to be 'you should read my book' - you will never guess ^^

-ONWARD

i want to be beautiful

First of let me say i like this video. One for the jazz that's playing in the background. Two because it gives me something to talk about.

I got it from the Body Shop Malaysia facebook page. I know the majority of Body Shop's customers are female but they have some nice things for guys too. Certainly nothing like what we see in the video.

I was watching out of curiosity because i've never seen it done before. I must say it looks like a lot of work for a girl to sit down and go through all these stages. With different brushes and colour tones, fake eye lashes and stuff. It almost like an art how you apply these. Half way through i thought to myself, what if she pokes herself in the eye. I can imagine something like that happening to a n00b. Certainly if i tried it that would happen. Kind of the same as wearing contacts but thats another story.

I was watching and even before she gave the little grin and eventually a smile at the end, i was smiling. Girls love to look and feel beautiful and some times its because they have someone to be beautiful for. So next time your girl makes the effort. Try to appreciate it :) a word or two would be nice.

On another note

I'm still working on the site. Its not as easy as i expected. Merry Christmas.

-ONWARD

somethings never change

With the advancement of technology and the changes we perceive, its good to know, no reassuring that somethings never change.


-ONWARD

children of God

Read this this morning.

Though we are all God's offspring by creation, we are not all God's children spiritually. He is God, the Designer, and he desires that all people would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him.

Quote taken from the book know what you believe by Paul E. Little.

-ONWARD

something's up

I've tried on previous occasions to redo this blog myself and have not succeeded Its something that i feel i just have to do, for the fun of it so after wasting two weeks of my break in maple land i have decided to rewrite the code for this site.

The sketch is complete and i am happy with it. Next comes the hard work of actually coding it. Hope everything goes well :)

-ONWARD

visions

These eyes see joy

they see laughter

they see moments so beautiful, words fail.

These lips tell stories

of a life's day

of time well spent

of memories shared.

These hands are weathered

they tell of toil

of hardship

they hold steadfast

they never let go.

-ONWARD

in ways i can't understand

When You say no i get sad

When I don't understand I ask 'why'

When I'm silent,

when I walk away,

when I forget

You always remind me,

I'm right here,

I will never leave,

do better now my child.

You love me in ways I can't understand,

so much that I feel ashamed

You know the end of every chapter before I begin

and You guide me accordingly

I wish I can love You the way you love me

but at least I can be grateful

Thank You Father for Your love for me.

You know I don't deserve it.

-ONWARD

bye bye butterfly

The light has not reached these parts in a while but those rays can be seen pass the thick canopy above, down here below all the cover.

The rain slowly breaks the soil, tears it up into many pieces everything that's left of the previous season.

New life springs because it should, because it must, because this seed will not simply lie and die, because someone cared more then they should.

-ONWARD

where is home

This time of the year is always one of the most interesting. Everyone goes back and Senadin becomes a shell of what it used to be. A common question is when are you going back?, my common answer is go back where? My home is in Nigeria and Kuching and in Miri.

Since i don't usually go back to Nigeria, i tend to go back to Kuching every chance i get but this time for some reason i don't know if i can, or should. I miss everyone there, Bethany and stuff just dunno rojak i guess. I think its time to leave already.

I always remember this song by switchfoot everytime i think about it. This is home.

-ONWARD

savannah

this song is instant love haha. I love it, been listening all day.




Savannah - Relient K

Savannah
I hope to be there by the morning
And see this pining all transforming
Into the arms of the Georgia sun

Savannah
I'd love to feel the heat the sunrise
Brushing rays across my
windshield as if one dries
The streams from off my face

Yet I know you'll be there
cause you'll know I'll want
you to be there
And we'll say hello as
you're smiling in love
And we'll sigh so relieved I believe
because we will both know by
tonight we'll feel normal again
But until then

Savannah
Our backs supported by a hammock
We sum up perfection like a handbook
And God knows it all too well

Savannah
We'll take a walk to find a gift shop
Who would've thought the
book that you bought
Would never come off the shelf

Yet I know you'll be there
cause you'll know I'll want
you to be there
And we'll say hello as
you're smiling in love
And we'll sigh so relieved I believe
because we will both know by
tonight we'll feel normal again
But until then
Until then
Until then

Baby
I spent my life wondering
Wondering when I'd find you
I searched for all these years
and now you're right here
I need you to know that
Everything makes sense when you're with me

Savannah
Walk out into the sultry evening
Cotton breathing when the sea winds
Brush the hair down around your neck

Savannah
You hold my hand like it's the first time
And all the feelings that our hearts find
Will be just what we expect

Yet I know you'll be there
cause you'll know I'll want
you to be there
And we'll say hello as
you're smiling in love
And we'll sigh so relieved I believe
because we will both know by
tonight we'll feel normal again
But until then
Until then
Until then

I love Relient k <3

-ONWARD

droopy gets the girl

Kids these days don't get to watch creative cartoons like these. Thats just sad. Anyway i love droopy :)

-ONWARD

what can i do

This is one of my favourite songs. I miss the corrs.

-ONWARD

2012

Right from the start let me say that i think its unlikely that the world will come to an end in 2012. The movie is almost 3hours long but you don't feel it. Its been beautifully written so that nothing seems like its not suppose to be there. Everything matters. From the crazy charlie to the unreal narrow escapes from danger and destruction.

Since its a newish movie i dont want to spoil it too much but i noticed a strong sony+microsoft presence in the movie. If there's one thing the movie tried to highlight its human sacrifice and the importance of relationships, family. And even though its about the destruction of the world there are a few moments where you can laugh and at least one moment where you might want to look away :)

Overall i will give it a 9/10. Go see it.

-ONWARD

of goals and distractions

Saw this quote and thought it was perfect for this season of exams and this stage of our student life. C. S. Lewis is the best man.

“If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come.”

- C. S. Lewis

(link)

-ONWARD

i am young and free

You know what? I am alive. Can you believe that. Its sad that I don't celebrate that as much as I should but i am alive. Yeah i'm crazy but i dont care. *deep breath* Its time to start living. Enjoying life. Be free. Cut lose. Be outrageous because like the Australian anthem goes, i am young and free so i will rejoice.

ps. if you want to do something crazy but dont want to do it alone, come find me :p but after exams k? onward babay!

-ONWARD

how i met your mother

I love the lyrics to this song.

JustMe - How i met your mother

If you can't take the heat then get out the kiln
The ladies say "oh snap" like Men On Film
And if you don't get that then you're young for real
Because I used to get that for my tongue and grill
I hung and chilled with players, theives, and rhyme sayers
And impresed the women that dressed in less layers
I rocked Nautica, Polo, not to run solo was the mission
Not realizing for what I'm wishing
Hugging and kissing was all in the plans
My old man said "you don't go back to holding hands"
And I realize now, that's true
But that was way before I even thought about you
And I wasn't really

Frightened, I was doing my thang
Had game, got dames, wanted fame, and I wasn't really
Frightened, had no fear of God in me
I was looking up to ballers and rappers with envy, I was
Frightened of being alone
And living my life without spouse and home, I was
Frightened, and that's real for a brother
Here goes the story how I met your mother

When Tiger Woods was at Stanford getting pampered
Women threw their drawers at me like the Laker-girls hamper
But I wasn't doing their math, changed path
Calculated but debated, could it stay in the past?
It was crazy wasn't it? Cut-up wsn't cutting it
What up? to my cousin when I see him in the streets
Found love hidden written on these super-thin sheets
Not the kind that you sleep in, the kind that you read
It was no small feet like the NBA
For me to say "no" when they ask "please stay"
And I can see now, that's grace
I thank God everytime I look at your face 'cause back then I was

Frightened of being stuck with a girl
That didn't want the same things out of this world, I was
Frightened, Had the fear of God in me
I looked up to no other man with envy, I was
Frightened of being alone
And living my life without spouse and home, I was
Frightened, and that's real for a brother
Here goes the story how I met your mother

She worked at Blockbuster and I felt all flustered
For the first couple months, then I got that number
But, failed to use it for lack of a movement
Or transportation, I should say, anyway
Only the lonely relate 'cause when she phoned it was great
Even though I never gave her the digits
She looked it up at work and it made me smirk
The date was set in a matter of minutes
Flirtation, conversation in an IHOP booth
I could tell she's motivated because I sought truth
And you can tell it's all part of God's plan
To bring the right woman once he's made a man, but I was still

Frightened that she wouldn't believe
Take me the wrong way and be deceived, I was
Frightened that I would mess it up
And have to much pride to be fessing up, I was
Frightened of being alone
And living my life without spouse and home, I was
Frightened, and that's real for a brother
Here goes the story how I met your mother

-ONWARD

these imperfections

thanks Ruth for sharing.

-ONWARD

where you go i'll go

By Jesus Culture. Thanks Shellyn for the link.
-ONWARD

stupid belkin router

I try not to complain too much but i seriously can't take it anymore. Since i moved house last year we had been using my old router, a cnet wired router that though old worked very well. It can go for weeks without needing a restart but i had this dream of a wireless home so we got a belkin router.

Just so you know belkin is among on of the most expensive routers you can get. People are drawn to it regardless by their lifetime warranty sort of, kind of makes it worth it. We got the f5d7632-4 model.

It didn't take long for problems to start surfacing. Get this, every night at around 6.30 the router disconnects from the internet and refuses all attempt to get it back online until around 10 or 11. At first i thought it was streamyx screwing with the line, so i spent a few weeks calling them everytime the router disconnects. After trying that for a while it was obvious it was not tm's fault so someone suggested it could be a worm in one of the computers so we tried isolating the computers to see if it really was one of the computers causing the disconnects, that didn't work.

I've tried looking at the belkin website for a new firmware for this model but they don't even have a listing for this particular model. Its like the product never existed. It is obvious its a defective model. I expect them to recall all defective models and replace them with better ones. I've looked at their press releases to see if they did that in the past but nothing.

I am not happy with belkin. I tried to send them an email to express my displeasure but can't find the right one. No use blasting the wrong people. And it appears i'm not alone on this. A quick look at lowyat forums and there are people complaining and advising others not to purchase this model. I just hope that we can return it and get a new model. This makes the second big company that has let me down in terms of service and quality of products. I sure am not getting anything belkin again.

-ONWARD

#messofme

mess of me by switchfoot from their latest album hello hurricane. Find out more.

-ONWARD

vanity

RM 3,399

RM 3,113

RM 899

RM 779

RM 500+


RM 589

Balancing needs and wants.

-ONWARD

some errors

For a long time i have misunderstood a lot of what i read and expect from a christian life. I believe strongly that we reap what we sow and so for a long time i endeavoured to sow only the good things and was some what disappointed when i don't get back. I think that's error 1. Yes it is true that we reap what we sow but that does not mean if i sow enough good things, i create a buffer so that only good things come my way. On the contrary, people who do good things often have evil come their way. I know it sounds crazy. I didn't accept it for a long time but think about it. What right do I have to demand goodness? Who am I? Does being a christian miraculously make me special? Am I immune/exempt from the stuff 'other people' go through? Well this is my opinion, NO!

The only thing that makes a christian seem to be different is how they react to the things life throw at them. We have the bible which we have come to believe as God's word and over time God has shown us that we can trust the bible. And we can trust him. So we hold on to those promises of being delivered from evil but evil will come. I had a friend who broke up with his gf and almost passed out drinking himself to numbness. Christians also deal with breakups and they hurt just as much but the difference is in how they handle it. We don't drink or numb ourselves. We like sheep are helpless stupid creatures that God loves to smother with love and affection if we will only come to him when it hurts and tell him how we feel and what we need. That's the way to deal with it. And therein is the difference.

It is very important that there is that difference because what separates us from 'the others' is not much. We are saved by faith through grace, something we had no effort in.

Now i said we are not special but in God's eyes we are. He values the human soul more than the whole world. So much that he sacrificed something special just to save everyone of us. So yeah, sorry about that. We are special but we have no right to feel like 'the others' are second-class.

Again i thank God for good sermons. Onward baby :)

Father help me to go beyond myself, force me if you have to. Change my heart. You have my permission.

{update}
this is the second time i'm editing this. I think i'm claiming the typo king crown from kenin. blogging tip: read what you write before you publish. It will save you a few embarrassments.

-ONWARD

photojoy

I've decided to start a photography collection of sorts next year God-willing. My aim is not to take the best shot or be professional or compete or anything but just to do what i love. I don't have the discipline to do a 365 like some people but will be shooting on a to-be-determined theme.

thats all ;p

-ONWARD

i love them

Its the 1st of November, in a few weeks we'll be sitting for finals. Its hard to believe another semester is over. Its been a struggle this sem but thank God for everything.

So my mom launches her book tomorrow in church. According to my sister the book is titled dealing with affliction. I know it has been on her mind for years now and finally she can launch it. I just wish i was there with her :) she's really an inspiration to me, and in many ways i wish i can be like her but we are two different people.

There's something i feel whenever i'm around the vcf people, something i've not felt until quite recently. I think it has taken time and a few recent events to make me see that i'm responsible for and to these people. I feel a sense of love? I know i care for each one of them and nothing makes me happier to know that they're alright, fighting their battles and trusting God. I tell you the way they all serve is amazing and thats something i always thank God for.

God bless my brothers and sisters, may your face shine on them, may you be with them through the tough times, let them know that you never leave, that you are always there, that nothing can separate them from your love. Help them realise that we can never be too bad or dirty to come to your presence to ask for forgiveness. And Lord that thing that is pure in them, that love for people and for you, i pray that you increase it. That as we are one family we will make every effort to continue in your love :) thank You father ^^

-ONWARD

new mouse

Ok so my current mouse is failing me. It keeps disconnecting and i am looking for a replacement. Any suggestions. I prefer white but any color will do, just not pink. If possible a wireless mouse but not a logitech wireless mouse, i've had enough of logitech. And not over RM 100. I think i spent too much on this one already.

thanks

-ONWARD

all's well...

Hi there. So the semester is almost coming to an end. Tickets have been bought. Assignment due dates are closing. Soon we'll all be sitting for finals. Its been an incredible ride this semester, a lot of troughs and rarefactions haha i remember my physics.

The past few weeks have been really busy, i don't like when the assignments and tests are clustered together so that there's no breathing space. But alas its coming to an end. Another 3 months of break, wondering what i will do with my time seeing that i didn't make the best use of it this time.

God is good :)

-ONWARD

i miss bugs bunny cartoons

-ONWARD

there for me

The older we get the harder it becomes to ask for help because everything around us tells us that we should not need help, that we can handle whatever comes our way. Well the older i get, the more i need help and its hard to ask for it.

I think one of the greatest gifts that i have enjoyed in my life is the gift of friendship. I have enjoyed the company of many good, and many great people and their life continues to inspire me, encourage me and shape me. Friendships are a gift from God and its a privilege to enjoy true friendship, one that can keep you up all night because someone needs to talk, one that sits with you in the hospital bed, one that keeps believing you can change, that you have what it takes, that there's more to you life that what you know. True friends are a blessing.

A friend told me once, people need to be reminded more than they need to be instructed. And i think that simple things like letting your friends know that they can trust you, that you will be there for them, actually telling them that goes a long way, does more than we can imagine.

Right now i feel like telling my father how much he means to me. So yeah don't take your friends for granted. Have a great week :)

-ONWARD

happiness+hope

Hope is the essential ingredent of human happiness.

-James McDonald

-ONWARD

in my heart

For some reason this piece was in my mind and i didnt know what album it was from, or who wrote it just the tune, so frantic i was trying to find the tune until somehow i kind of figured it has to be yiruma. I'm in the mood for instrumental/sentimental music now. This is my belief by Yiruma and i love it.

-ONWARD

bigger than me

"success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one's personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as a byproduct of one's surrender to a person other than oneself."
-Viktor E. Frankl

Taken from a post made by jon foreman, lead singer for the band switchfoot.

-ONWARD

it is well

First off, i want to thank God for the keeping vcf in Curtin University Sarawak campus for 10 years. When i look back at the people who have been at the helm of this great fellowship i feel so small. Of all the presidents, i can say i know three and they are all people i admire and respect for their leadership abilities.

I must say that i went to this celebration with a sour heart. Was actually thinking of all the problems that i have faced. Most of which have been my own making, coming out of my indiscipline and care-free lifestyle. I was thinking about how this fellowship would be better off if i stepped aside. But when i saw how everyone, despite all the frailty came together, whole-heartedly to make this happen, it warmed my heart. It changed something within.

Looking through all the pictures, going through all the words that was sent, thinking of how to present the video, one thing always came up. His love. How as vcf the greatest strength we have is love. Its what everyone who gets in experiences, and its what they miss when they're no longer in miri. This is something of a legacy that has been set from the earliest leaders and something we should uphold, and guard at all cost.

Today God surprised me again, when i feel like walking away, i get that gentle tug saying stay. I almost cried when sharing just before the cake cutting :)

It is well, it is well with my soul.

-ONWARD

love is

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.

-C.S. Lewis

-ONWARD

Father and Friend

I love this.

-ONWARD

ditching grace

Was reading about faith and grace in my bible and came to this scary point.

God's grace can be resisted (Hebrew 12.15), received in vain (2 Corinthians 6.1), put out (1 Thess. 5.19), set aside (Galatians 2.21) and abandoned by the believer (Galatians 5.4).

-ONWARD

thy word

One of the things i'm forever grateful for is access to good sermons. Sometimes i just don't feel like i want to read the bible. Sometimes i get angry, sometimes i doubt. In those times when my faith is shaky i can sense a longing for the word. 

The bible says the word of God is truth and life. And for those who have put their faith in God, that life is everlasting. More than just knowing the truth, there's also the need to remember it. It gets so familiar that we realise how much we have forgotten when we try to explain it to someone who has no clue.

These are interesting times. Let encourage one another in love and purity not forsaking the gathering of ourselves for His sake. And guarding the mind. Someone said the mind is to the soul what the brain is to the body. And so whatever is noble, pure, is of good report... think of these things. And let the peace of God guard our hearts and minds.

-ONWARD

i get lost

Reblogged from kimberly because i like it so much and its true :)

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not shouting "I am saved"

I'm whispering "I get lost!"

"That is why I chose this way."

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble

and need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak

and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed

and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not claiming to be perfect,

my flaws are too visible

but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I still feel the sting of pain

I have my share of heartaches

which is why I seek His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I do not wish to judge.

I have no authority.

I only know I'm loved.

by Author Carol Wimmer

-ONWARD

420

This post could have started a lot differently. Sometimes i just come here and write stuff then half way delete it all.

The choices we make define us, family or job, career or church, they're not the easiest and it takes wisdom to consistently make the right choices. Sometimes we make a terrible choice and bear the consequences of our poor judgement but in the end they are ours to make. And whether good or bad, we have to make them and of course be prepared for what comes next.

On an unrelated note, happy independence day to all nigerians. Proud 49, we have come a long way but the journey continues.

This has been post #419+1, funny huh, numbers.

-ONWARD

whats really important

So i've been thinking. This blog has been a lot of things and in the future i hope it won't be a lot of things but have a focus. I still don't know what it is yet, still thinking what i want to do with it.

Things have been rather chaotic for me. Its important that i have peace on the inside for me to function properly and there's not been a whole lot of those lately. Its been rather messy.

Ever ask yourself the question "whats really important"? Pray for me.

-ONWARD

words from an old man

Life is the creation by God and if you would know God, be not a solver of
riddles. Look about you and you shall see Him playing with your children. Look
into the air and you shall see him walking in the clouds, out-stretching his
arms in the lightning and descending in rain. You shall see him smiling in
flowers, then rising and waving his hands in trees.

(more)

-ONWARD

music+colour

Ólafur Arnalds - Ljósið (Official Music Video) from Erased Tapes on Vimeo.

Official music video for 'Ljósið' taken from Ólafur Arnalds - 'Found Songs' (2009) available on Limited Edition CD/10" Vinyl and Download here: store.erasedtapes.com



Director: Esteban Diácono

Label: Erased Tapes Records

Year: 2009

Album: Found Songs

Length: 3’30’’

Music written by: Ólafur Arnalds

Publisher: Nettwerk One

Copyright: © 2009 Erased Tapes Records.

Website: foundsongs.erasedtapes.com

-ONWARD

back on fb

Selamat Hari Raya to all those celebrating. I don't think i have many malay friends. Anyways tomorrow marks the end of my long absence from facebook and i must say i'm looking forward to more facebook. So whats the whole point? Well I need to learn self-control.

Now i'm not sure what i'll do on fb. I can't continue all my games where i left off. That would make all this effort useless so i guess no more games for me. Sad really.

Was not really in a good mood last week. I just hate it when you put so much time and effort into something and still its not enough, its very frustrating. It kind of reminds you that there are limits to what you can do. But very very frustrating it is.

Bought a book from popular, 10 dumb things smart christians believe. Thanks to Reuben for showing it to me. Its one of those books that challenge what you believe and have accepted but not in a haha loser kind of way but in a this could be so much easier kind of way. Anyways good read and goodbye for now.

-ONWARD

thoughts on a bus

I wrote this a while ago on a trip to kuching by road. And while i've done this a number of times, i don't recommend it to anyone. The bus trip that is.

Its 3.10 in the morning, we just made our 3rd rest stop of the journey. We didn't leave on time, I think we were close to an hour late. I think they were waiting for the rest of the passengers to board.

To my left is a rather young man. I don't know his name, never talked to him and to my right is a chinese woman who i can describe as grim and morbid. Her demeanor is in sharp contrast to the ladies in front. They can't seem to stop smiling. And i don't think its because they're happy. No one can be that happy. But i think its joy. I think there's joy up front but somehow it didn't progress to the back where my seat unfortunately is.

As a result of where i'm seating, i feel the slightest vibrations the bus experiences and there's little leg room so I would twist and turn my feet to make sure i can still use them. There should be a law that prevents people with long legs from sitting in places with limited leg room. Its absolutely... bad.

This was typed on my phone. Well its 3.10 now and i'm sleepy so gnite.

-ONWARD

gracias

Thanks for the bus driver who waited for me today,
thanks for being able to talk to you today,
thanks for xbox with friends,
:) thanks for my friends.
Thanks for today.
-ONWARD

myDay

Oh yeah and i ripped off the windows vista logo off my computer. It was gathering dirt around the edges.
-ONWARD

keep singing

Lately this song has been on my heart. I think i've had it for a few years now but only now its really jumped out. Keep Singing by Mercyme

Another rainy day
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
All I feel is pain
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
But when I am stuck and I can't move
When I don't know what I should do
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through

I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
I gotta keep singing
I gotta keep praising Your name
That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Can I climb up in Your lap
I don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
I gotta keep singing

Oh You're everything I need
And I gotta keep singing

-ONWARD

have you heard?

So how are you?

This week has been very frustrating with the internet connection being what it is. I went to the forums and almost everyone is complaining. Gave up on calling the streamyx people because they never seem to fix the problem just tell me the same routine things, reset your modem, bypass the splitter yada yada.

Just a thought

We all have weaknesses and talking about other people is interesting but is it right? Is it worth all the hurts and troubles it causes?

Gossip betrays a confidence but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.

Proverbs 11:13

A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Proverbs 16:28

A gossip betrays confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much

Proverbs 20:19

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down

Proverbs 26:20

The words of gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts

Proverbs 26:22

Words of a wise man. I think we'll be much happier if we apply some of the wisdom from proverbs myself included.

Father help us all to speak words of life and encouragement. Give us the grace to control our tongues. Convict us of our wrong holy spirit and help us change.

-ONWARD

his masterpiece

We have this thing on friday afternoons where we go around the campus and ask students a few questions about God and one of the questions we ask is, in your opinion, do you think God is a personal God or an impersonal God and we have to explain what that means because some people have no understanding of this. All this is new to them.

I just watched this movie, the ghost of past girlfriends and i've been putting off watching it because the title gives away alot and i don't want to be all emo again well today i wanted to watch something and its one of the newer movies i have and have not watched yet, plus mr. J constantine said its a good movie so i was like what the heck.

You know the saying dont judge a book by its cover? Its my belief that people ordinarily don't change, the older we get the more set in our ways we become. But then there's something that happens when some one comes in contact with God and he does things to him that are so incredible, you will need faith not to believe in Him. Only God breaks the rule here. After the movie was over i just thought to myself, will i ever become like that? I know its ridiculus but this is what i do. I can't help it.

And you know what? After a few sessions on friday, i have come to treasure what i have. This faith in Jesus that i have. I have come to treasure it because we take it for granted that God is a personal God, that He provides all these mechanisms and systems to make our life generally more bearable and we forget that not everyone has that. Some people grow up all their lives without any pillars no strong towers to hide in, nothing firm and unshakable. Thats why people get into relationships. Love conquers everything right and then maybe something doesn't work out and they're in disaster mode. Nothing to hold on to. We take it for granted sometimes that He hears us when we pray, that He says come to me when you are burdened and i will give you rest. Not everyone has that. Not everyone know what to do in these situations. Thats why they drink and do other things to numb themselves because life's tough. And its much tougher when you're all alone.

I was sitting here wondering if i will become like that someday and you know what? I could hear as if someone talking to me. Not in an audible voice like any other person but in more of an inner voice, you're not like that. You are my masterpiece, and i love you. Drove me to tears. Today i was telling someone that there's nothing we can do to deserve God's grace, God's love, His mercy. We cannot earn it. We can only value it. And treasure it.

If you are a child of God, i think He's saying the same thing to you, You are my masterpiece, and I love You. This verse comes to mind.

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our saviour be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

Jude 1:24

-ONWARD

thank God you're a man

Ok let me explain. I don't mean to be prejudice or encourage the consumption of alcoholic drinks but this just made me laugh :)

Have a great weekend.

-ONWARD

i am blessed

Ello :)

Went for a prayer meeting this evening. Gosh how i miss communual prayer. Haven't had one in months but yeah it was very refreshing.

You know i used to expect God to speak to me directly but as i grow older i come to realise that God is always speaking to me. Just i'm not very attentive to catch it. Maybe some thought, or suddenly i remember a verse or have a feeling to ask someone i've not talked to for a while how they're doing.

Was especially touched by the song in worship Majesty (here i am).... Your grace has found me just as i am, empty handed but alive in your hands...sanctified by glory and fire. I am blessed :)

-ONWARD

9.9.09

What a day! I finished one assignment and submitted one lab in the nick of time. I have to say its very thrilling to do things last minute but when it becomes a habit it can be dangerous. I'm tempted to make a resolution in this matter but i know better not to do that.

Facebook is evil!

Most of you will agree. I think its not evil in itself, just that most often it is misused. That said, my absence from fb continues until the 22nd of this month.

We had a talk in VCF today on time management and how to organise our time and i discovered or rather was reminded what i already know, i spend way too much time on the internet for my own good. Now there's a fine line between researching for information or staying up to date but just like the fb thing, it all comes down to how much of your time you are willing to waste. Time is not money. Money can be stored, regained, not so with time. And the most frightening thing is that we all will give an account to the maker of time on how we have spent it.

On being empty, i recognise that i don't really have someone to hold me accountable, challenge me with regards to my spiritual life and that it might well be a phase, a season in my life. One that i want to see pass as soon as possible. I've been listening to some of the sermons i've neglected for a while now and they have been life to me. We need each other.

Senadin {Senadin is the place i live} experienced shortage, no a lack of water for a whole day yesterday and it was interesting to see the reaction of everyone. The coffee shops were full because most people who cook at home could not. Made me wonder how the cs wash their plates and prepare their food. Many people bought boxes of mineral water, so much that i'm suprised the shop didn't increase the price. Some went to town for the simple pleasure of taking a bath. Makes you value even things like water we take so much for granted.

-ONWARD

where is your heart

I've been on a self declared absence from facebook because i play too many games on there and i spend more than the time i have on the darn thing. Its a good thing. I think its dangerous when we let the things we make with our hands become our masters. Yet all i've done was to replace one evil with another. Time away from fb means time with other things, not necessarily time saved. So yeah.

I've been reading this book, ordering your private world and its been immensely useful to me. It targetted towards the disorganised and forces your to tackle the disorder in your world. If you're a leader in any area or just have trouble getting organised or both then i would suggest you get one from your local christian store. You can thank me later.

Had a talk with a rather close friend the other day. Its been a while since we said anything to each other. My heart still skips :) glad she's doing alright.

Where is your heart?

I'm tempted to start this part with you know when... but i don't think many of you will understand. For a while there's just been an ice age in my world. There's momentary summer but winter has stayed too long and this heart has very little to beat. It certainly is not getting stronger or fighting for anything. Feels like someone turned out the sun and left just the stars on. You can still see but its not the same.

Here i go trying to explain something in a very complicated introvert-ish way. But i'm like that. Gives me pleasure to be able to do that especially knowing there's probably a smile on your face knowing exactly what i mean.

I want my heart back, i want my sun back.

-ONWARD

msn messages (part 2)

After the first installment, i'm compelled to share yet again your personal messages.

• Live each day better than yesterday
• time dont wait and pause for u!!!
• Alex is happy because after 3 months of hard work..Results come in...Thank God
• The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong time; just like every four seasons have its own purpose, so is our life
• walking by faith
• im no longer someone's girlfriend.................
• Difficulty only serves to better the joy at the end...
• i need space......
• world's apart
• still you hear me when i'm calling...
• Doing Finance nw~He is a devil today, he will be a devil forever~
• Goodbye Kuching!
• XOXO Gossip Girl
• walking
• Thank you Lord for showing me your ways...
• Finally Internet is back..
• Tomorrow holiday?
• BONDS
• Continual sickness

Compared to last time, there are non repeating pms which is good, means you all are actively changing.

-ONWARD

Strawberry Swing

My new favourite song.
-ONWARD

on photography

You when when you want something someone else has and you wish you had it and the more you think about it the more it seems like everything you want to do is get it and give in? I've been feeling that a lot lately.

First was when i went to my friend's house and saw his widescreen display. Instant jealously, i tried to control myself knowing who he was, if i freaked out he wouldn't like it.

Secondly, seems like everyone i know has or is getting a dslr and i wan, i so so want but cannot. The thing with dslrs is that once you get out, you are inundated with all the needs of the camera. Suddenly you realise that your kit lens is crap and you need better lens, then you want a flash and then a bag and then some more lens, in a few years you decide you have outgrown your current camera and want a better one with more sophisticated functions and abilities or in other words a more expensive one. And then one day you see how inconvenient it is logging all your camera equipment around and you want a compact. They always come back to the compacts and compacts are doing very well these days in terms of quality.

But the pictures dslrs take are just gorgeous. I don't believe i've used that word before but thats exactly how i feel. Why am i saying all of these?

I've evaluated my style, if you like and compared with some of my friends and this is what i find. I like the little things, the small insignificant, i will be the worst person to ask to take portraits or photos for a wedding for example. I'm not that type of photographer. My skills are not top notch and i'm still struggling to find my way around my humble point & shoot. However i find that i'm more comfortable when there's no agenda, no goals, no aim just let yourself lose and shoot.

I may never get a dslr but at the moment i'm satisfied with my humble p&s. Should probably give it a name. Anyway i'll be setting up links to nice photoblogs or photography sites soon.

-ONWARD

Quotes: the older we get

"As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It’s not that we don’t want to, but too much has happened and we can’t."
- Now and Then

via (littlemiss)

-ONWARD

when she's near

Loving this song like a lot. Who is fiction family?

Jon Foreman of Switchfoot and Sean Watkins of Nickel Creek have come together to create FICTION FAMILY. Their self-titled debut album will be released on January 20 by ATO Records, and is available for PREORDER NOW. This marks the first full-length effort for the all-star duo. The album features 12 original tracks written, arranged and recorded by Watkins and Foreman at their homes in San Diego.

When She's Near - Fiction Family

My cover is blown, I'm faded and dreary.
When my love is away my cover is blown.
When she leaves me alone I'm weathered and weary.
The nights are the days when my love is away.

When she's near the new year's here,
And there is not a resolution that I cant do.
I see things clearly when shes near me.
when she's near me all the world is new.

When life is revexed I stop thinking clearly.
I can get so afraid that I push her away.
Repentance is next, I miss her so dearly.
See those nights are the days when my love is away.

When she's near the new year's here,
And there is not a resolution that I cant do.
I see things clearly when shes near me.
when she's near me all the world is new.

I'm waiting for the day when I am on her mind.
I'm waiting for the day when loves no longer blind, blind.

When she's near the new year's here,
And there is not a resolution that I cant do.
I see things clearly when shes near me.
When she's near me all the world is new.
When she's near me all the world is new.
When she's near me all the world is new.

Get your free download here. And be sure to visit their site.

-ONWARD

a new page

I love this poem

He came to my desk with a quivering lip.
The lesson was done.
"Dear teacher, I want a new page," he said,
I have spoiled this one."

I took the old page, torn and blotted,
And gave him a new one, all unspotted,
And into his sad eyes smiled:
"Do better now, my child."

I came to God's throne with a trembling heart.
The year's work was done.
"Dear Father, I want a new life," I said,
"I have spoiled this one."

He took my old life, torn and blotted,
And gave me a new one, all unspotted,
And into my sad heart smiled:
"Do better now, my child."

-By Kathleen Wheeler

-ONWARD

the lizard and the toilet bowl

I call this YARP (Yet Another Random Post).

Was shocked to find a lizard inside the toilet this morning. Don't ask me how it got there but it made any activity that required sitting on the toilet seat awkward. Was there this morning and stayed there until evening when i got back and my housemate needed to do something awkward and who does he call?

We tried flushing the toilet to see if it will do the trick but the darn thing kept struggling, trying so hard not to get flushed down the land of goldfish and other dead animals you flush down the toilet. Nothing we did would work because it was determined not to die.

It got me thinking, its just a lizard, why is it fighting so hard not to die? Its not like it has a family to go to. I mean no one will miss it. It has nothing to look forward to yet why try so hard to stay alive? What is it living for?

I guess watching several dozen episodes of house has fired up the part of my brain that likes to solve puzzles and asks lots of questions. If a mere animal can value its life, even when it has nothing to life for, so fight so hard not to lose it even though its stupidity got it into the toilet why do some people think they can just give up? If you don't have something to life for, go out, take a vacation or something and do some thinking. Find something you can live for and live for it. Don't sulk and think its all over because truth be told me all go through rough times but just like how he sets the boundaries for the seas. He also set boundaries for our pain and suffering. Let that give you comfort.

Now i dunno why i said that but i believe its for a reason. Even a yarp post bring out something huh. I guess you can say i love this outlet :)

-ONWARD

G.I JOE

Its been a while since i wrote about movies so lets remedy that with this amazing movie. I don't know much about G.I JOE prior to watching the movie but a quick look at the wikipedia article tells me that it started off as a line of action figures following the success of barbie in the early 60s and then there was a cartoon, a comic and now movie. Oh and G.I stands for Government Issue. That one i knew back in the days when irc was popular. I spent a lot of time in the quiz rooms answering all kinds of general knowledge questions.

The movie was action packed, we missed part of the beginning but it slowly became clear who the bad guys were and who the good guys were. I must say i love all the hi-tech weapons, and thanks to miri star cineplex's renovation of their notorious cinema we can actually hear the special effects though my friends complained it was too loud. I just thought it was okay.

I must say the best part for me is when duke and his partner where running around Paris in the cool suit. They look so cute. My favourite character has got to be the guy with the blades, the one in black i think he's cool especially with the vow of silence thing he's got going.

There's a lot of cliche in this movie, in dialogue and characterisation. Whoever wrote the dialogue seemed not to put a lot of effort into it. There's not much in the way of humour unlike transformers 2. I feel like the movie lacked any kind of story, it was just raw action and technology. But this is just the beginning, there will be more G.I Joe in the near future.

Overall i can't say its the best movie i've watched this year, transformers still take the cake but if i'll rate this movie i'll give it a 7.5 out of 10 and thats not bad at all.

-ONWARD

call it random

Its nice at night. There's no noise, its cool and the internet is faster.

I don't have anything in particular to talk about, i just want to talk. So you can consider this a random post by someone who can't sleep.

Its week 3 already. Today is thursday. Have cellgroup tonight and two meetings on saturday and then it will be week 4. There's already an assigment due by week 5 and after that is the tuition free week, after that we get our test 1 and well its all downhill from there until the end.

I've changed. I'm no longer the person i used to be. I was afraid this would happen. I remember thinking how i would be like if i really changed, if i would recognise myself or even like who i have become. Now i'm not sure, just bound by responsibility and duties. I dunno how people live to be a hundred. How do they cope with all the stuff you pick up as you grow older. All the heavy stuff.

The more i watch house, the more i want to be like him. Yes he's arrogant and a professed liar, those are not the qualities i admire about him. He is a good leader. Knows how to take care of his people. Probably because his dad lacked that quality so he sought to be nothing like his dad and yet well you can't go scott free in that department. Especially for guys.

There are qualities that my dad has that i want nothing to do with yet i admire his ability to provide for his family, his brilliance, the guy is a genius. But i wished he spent more time with his children to get to know them especially when they're older and have no one to go to for advice on tough life decisions. For some people its not an issue and God bless them but for others, they go on living their lives with one goal or a few related goals to be nothing like their parent, or at least better. Depending on how you look at it, its a good thing. We all need something to drive us now don't we.

-ONWARD

your song by kate walsh

My new favourite song

-ONWARD

Yuki no hana

I love this song.
-ONWARD

how do they do it

How do people go on living normal lives?

How does one cope with all these need for attention?

How do you smile when all thats around you is work? All the stuff you have not done, all the stuff you're running away from hoping in vain that they go away.

How do you make sure your decisions are the right one?

How can you live with the consequences of making the wrong one?

How can you look at someone in the eyes and tell them its going to be alright when you know its not?

How can you find courage when you are drained.

It seems unfair, the whole sowing and reaping thing, or maybe i just don't understand it yet.

I don't know how people do this, i just don't know. So pardon me.

-ONWARD

happy third

Its the 30th of july and about 3years since the blog was started. I find that its my release. Some people have friends they can tell stuff to, cry to.... i have this and other outlets. But this here blog is more than an outlet.

I've tried to make it all kinds of stuff, been through times when it was about the comments or being popular or something but its not that. I'm not that kind of a person. I recognise that i'm different, in many ways. Some say i'm an introvert others just well...

This blog is more like therapy for me. Its where i share my thoughts, find sanity, learn restraint. If i found a human that could have the same effect then it will be the end but until then, i hope to keep writing.

-ONWARD

this and that

The past few weeks have been very interesting. It was very frustrating dealing with the people at streamyx, getting the line installed and working and the occasional (i always have to think of the correct way to spell occasion) call to 100 (their helpline) when for some reason i can't connect to the internet when everyone else can. But the time away from the rest of the world was perfect to spend some time playing a few computer games i've kept on hold because of this and that. So far i still have not completed nfs 2, most wanted and i just got started on carbon. Plus there's not burnout paradise thats quite difficult to play, atleast at first because the controls are all weird and i finally got to play diablo 2 after a long time. I remember i got stuck at the earlier levels and now i'm at the end of act 1. It was fun playing with my housemates too :)

Time away from the internet also freed me to do some thinking. Increasingly i've been worried about well this and that and i got this great book thats suppose to help straight things out in my inner world. If you know me you know how disorganised i am. There's something about chaos that's i dunno refreshing? No thrilling is the word. The rush and all.

I've also been thinking about what it means to meditate on God's word. Thats why there's a previous post from a site that was a result of a google search. But its simple and short. There's none of the theological crap that confuses people. Its interesting that these days we feel guilty when we are less busy. It seems to be that the more busy you are the more successful you are, the more you are getting things done. Thats not really the case.

I've been watching house a lot lately, atleast 3 episodes a day and the more i watch, the more i feel like i want to be a psychologist or something like that. For some people its all about the medicine and how brilliant a doctor he is, never afraid to take a risk, always taking the unconventional and sometimes the downright wrong path but in the end he gets his job done. I certainly admire that but for me the part thats interesting is the undercurrent of activities, the behind the scenes drama that goes on, the little things. How a gesture means more than what people say. And of course, the golden rule; everyone lies. Human life is interesting.

School starts monday and with it everything else. Here's to a great semester. One we will never forget. I read this somewhere

Never postpone joy

-ONWARD

onward

Because forward is the only way,

because nothing can be done about what has happened,

because time does not stop,

because we have another day,

because we learn.....eventually,

because we are hopeful,

because of a promise,

because even though our hearts condemn us,....

because we must.

-ONWARD

on meditation

This is for me.

Meditation is a combination of reviewing, repeating, reflecting, thinking, analyzing, feeling, and even enjoying. It is a physical, intellectual and emotional activity—it involves our whole being.

In some ways, meditation doesn't easily fit into Western culture. We value action and busyness more than stopping and considering. The author of this psalm (psalm 119:15) was from another time and culture, one with a tradition that valued meditation. As a result, meditation came more naturally for him and others with his Middle Eastern background. We have to overcome some cultural obstacles to learn to meditate.

There are many ways to meditate on God's Word. Some possibilities include:

(1) Take time to read a verse or passage over and over.
(2) Begin to memorize all or part of it.
(3) Listen—quiet your heart to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you though God's Word.
(4) Consider how it fits with the rest of the Bible and life in general.
(5) Become emotionally involved—allow yourself to feel what God feels, his desires expressed through his words.
(6) Move from meditation to application—connect your thoughts to action. Consider how the truth and power of the Word of God should affect your behavior.

(source)

-ONWARD

no internet = boring

Its been a week since i came back. No internet at home = boring one week. I kind of now miss kuching again.

Its going to be a rather interesting few months. School starts on the 27th and with it a whole lot of other stuff. Please keep me in prayers, i know i'll need all the help i can get.

Church was really good today. Pst shared from 1John 2 with the encouragement to grow in christ. Its funny because most of what i've been hearing for the past week have been along those line.

I don'te really have anything more to say so end.

-ONWARD

pro canon

I posted on fb asking for comments on which brand of dslr is better and why because lets face it, if you're getting a dslr chances are it will either be a canon or a nikon depending on where your allegiances lie.

I am biased towards canon so it was quite refreshing to see most people recommending canon. My first camera was a canon powershot a75 and i loved it until it died a premature death in the hands of many physicians :p

Its no secret that i'm currently dissatisfied by my current camera and was contemplating upgrading to some serious gear but i have to change my mind after considering that its just not enough getting a camera, you will also need to get lenses and flash at some point and i dont see myself making such an investment especially since these things are not particularly cheap.

So for now that will be on hold but my enthusiasm for photography remains. This might just be a blessing in disquise as it might just be the right time to get an apple product.

-ONWARD

kuching and some troubling news

Its thursday, i'm in kuching, have been here since monday night. Airasia delayed my flight that was suppose to be at 5.40 to 7.40. Sigh. Good thing i had a friend with me. Its been a while since i flew, didnt know AA now has seat numbers but people still rush in.

Monday was great, had four friends come meet me at the airport then went to eat at kenyalang. Its nice to see sam again :)

Tuesday went to bethany home, spent most of the day there. At night was janna's farewell dinner thing. Met amy there, was so weird seeing her in kuching, some more with the people i hang out with.

Wednesday after a day at bethany home, went bowling with a few friends and it was quite nice. Was only the second time i've gone bowling, the first time was in miri with my roommate agilan.

Troubling news.

Out of curiousity and concern i went for an eye test and they said one of my eyes are bad. I've long suspected because when i take pictures using the optical viewfinder, i noticed i can't really focus properly. Now i'm worried. The last thing i want is to wear glasses. They're so inconvenient. But i guess its about time also since both my sisters and my mom have 4 eyes plus my dad. I think i'll get a second opinion before i do anything stupid :p

Oh yeah had laksa today at bdc. Not bad but not the original laksa i usually have here. Tonight going to transformers. And now you're updated.

-ONWARD

happy twenty something

This one's for a dear friend. In many ways i want to say thank you for living your life to the full, thank you for being a non-conformist, thank you for being a friend. Thank you for your generosity and how you can go the extra mile even though you don't have to.

I'll certainly miss you when you're gone but wish you the best in whatever you do. Take care my friend and happy birthday.

Was thinking of a picture to post and these two came to mind straight away :p

-ONWARD

religious me

I just discovered that i'm a very religious person. You know the story in the bible where this pharisee was telling God, thank you i'm not like this tax collector. I am the pharisee. And its bad.

I dunno how i became this way but its bad, and i'm sorry. Its good that i know now before its too late. Just thought i'll say that.

-ONWARD

a life of holiness

The believer is also perfectly saved in his covenant head, for as he fell in Adam, so he lives in Christ. This complete salvation is accompanied by a holy calling. Those whom the Saviour saved upon the cross are in due time effectually called by the power of God the Holy Spirit unto holiness; they leave their sins; they endeavour to be like Christ; they choose holiness, not out of any compulsion, but from the stress of a new nature, which leads them to rejoice in holiness just as naturally as aforetime they delighted in sin. God neither chose them nor called them because they were holy, but He called them that they might be holy, and holiness is the beauty produced by His workmanship in them. The excellences which we see in a believer are as much the work of God as the atonement itself. Thus is brought out very sweetly the fulness of the grace of God. Salvation must be of grace, because the Lord is the author of it: and what motive but grace could move Him to save the guilty? Salvation must be of grace, because the Lord works in such a manner that our righteousness is forever excluded. Such is the believer’s privilege—a present salvation; such is the evidence that he is called to it—a holy life.

Why isn't this true for every believer?

-ONWARD

awkward

Plastic smiles, obvious questions, lets face it we all do it. Its a way of saying i'm trying not to be rude so you better play along and everyone will be happy. Trouble is, its hard to live like that.

I'm the kind of person that hardly forgets a face. Names, well i need help but faces no and if we've been introduced atleast once i feel a compulsion to carry on that... whatever it is you know that 'we're no longer strangers now we've been introduced atleast once' kind of thing. But i dunno if its the culture of if its just me, people dont want that.

I guess i'm tired of having a lot of hi bye friends. If i can call them friends. I like the distinction, it helps me process things, categorize things. I dunno i guess my brain works differently.

-ONWARD

movie spoilers

Couldn't help it. Hahaha too funny to pass.

-ONWARD

post 80s

Its that time again. I dont want to talk about exams because i realise that if i keep it up i might run out of titles seeing that every quarter or so i face them instead there's been some rather interesting developments.

My eyes are going or at least thats how i feel. I'm quite worried. But i guess its time to have them checked. Its probably about time since my mom, dad and two sisters have bottles on their eyes. Tell you the truth i hate glasses. For me they're just another inconvenience.

I've read this blog post and found it rather interesting. As i get older i tend to not get the current generation, i seem not to get the point of some things the post '80s kids are down with. So like other older people the sites i visit have been changing. I'm more likely to buy more of John Maxwell books {is that his name? i think i messed it up} on leadership and self improvement. And then there's lifehack.org thats more about living the ultimate zen lifestyle, where your desk is organised and you have all your todo lists in place and everything on schedule... I find it quite useful.

I guess the next step is actually reading news and talking about politics like everyone my age. I fear that at some point this blog will gravitate towards topics that are more serious and less fun but well thats the price of growing up and i'm not there yet but feeling it coming.

-ONWARD

the dawning

As time passes it begins to dawn on me slowly. This is real. Honestly when i look at myself i can't possbily imagine being in this role. Yeah i know, trust in the Lord, God is with you and all that. I know that but why am I still worried? So far when i evaluate myself there are still things that i neglect, didn't think of, don't know how to handle, and the list goes on and on but this is real.

I know i have everyone's support but why am I still worried? Maybe because i know myself. I'm really scared that I will mess things up or be too busy to take notice of the needs of the people around me, and on and on.

Someone said when you think negatively about yourself you are in agreement with the devil because he is the accuser of the bretheren. This is new territory for me and i hope my mistakes only lead to correction and improvement because there will be lots of mistakes.

Lord, you know my heart, you know everything about me, and yet you have allowed this too to happen. I dunno what your plans or intentions are for me in this role but i just lift it up to you and say i need your guidance. I need your wisdom. I need you. Help me step out of myself and see these people that you have placed in my care. I want to learn in this period so teach me. Thank you father in Jesus name.

-ONWARD

macbook update may 2009

Apple updated the white macbook. It now comes with a 2.13ghz processor and a bigger 160gig harddrive. In case anyone is interested. And if you buy online, the price did not change, its still RM 3599.

~shalom~

countdown

Right now i feel like going somewhere where there's no on in sight for miles and just scream my lungs out.

~shalom~

what i need

Most times i only come up with a title after i'm done typing. Anyway.

On friday after my presentation, photoshoot wah like model now hehe. Went to SIB for a talk on responding to God's call and this pastor who's about 60 was sharing about his experience in the ministry. From what i gathered he has been serving for about 30 years, thats almost as long as i've been existing. And he doesn't look his age. He still has full hair, still energetic, very animated when he speaks you can sense the excitement in his words. I dunno why i notice these things but i do. Its the little things that matter to me.

Well he was quite worried that not enough people are answering God's call to ministry and shared that there is a lack of people in specific roles, there's a need for teachers, preachers, leaders of small and large groups of people, church planters, evangelists, missionaries, educators in christian doctrine and so on. I couldn't help but wonder if i was ever called. I honestly don't know what i'm good at. I know i like to encourage people but beyond that nada.

One thing thats important, which he stressed more than once was that christian ministry is not something you go into when all else fails. You know when you don't think you fit into anywhere in the world you go to bible school or something. He gave the assurance that you will not last. 

Without reharshing everything he said, there's one thing he said that really made sense to me. God does not give us what we want, he gives us what we need. And i thought about it, i want a lot of things, i want a psp, i want a new camera, and a portable camera, i want this and that and travel to here and there and enjoy my life, i want a good job with a good wife and a lovely home with two boys or one boy one girl or you know i want a lot of things. But God only gives us what we need. Question is, will i be satisfied with what God gives me, or will i always seek the want? Am i content even though i don't get all those nice things? If i never get a mac will i be content or will i continue to strive until i get it. Where do you draw the line between ambition, looking forward to something and being satisfied with what God has given? Its something to ponder on.

~shalom~

P.S its interesting that psalm 23 says the lord is my shepherd, i shall not want. Just thought i would throw that in.

24

Plus one today and i dont feel anything. No excitement, not sure if i can celebrate it or not all thats in my head is planning for the vcf committee retreat camp, make sure everything goes well, remind people, remember not to forget anything.

Good thing my presentation is done, atleast there's one less thing to worry about. But next week i have to complete all my daa (design and analysis of algorithms) tutorials, prepare for two tests and complete my part of the group project. 

Tomorrow i'll be attending a meeting with the student council, well there goes my saturday. 

If this is any indication of things to come i better start getting used to it.

~shalom~

zee avi

Love her style.

~shalom~

deliver us

Tuesday nights are one of the best times of the week for me. Its always like haih tuesday again but at the end i feel wow so blessed. 

There's sometime about the alpha program or maybe its just fellowship, studying the bible together, learning, sharing that i love. I like that there are new things or things that i know but need to be reminded. Someone once told me humans need to be reminded more than they need to be instructed and its true.

Today we went through how to resist evil. And its true just as there's a God who's all good there's also a devil who is all evil but they are not in the same level. I mean God is all powerful and supreme and soverign, in control over every affair of man and life but the devil is not so powerful. The bible actually says he's a fallen being. And he's only there to steal, kill, destroy. 

Today i learned, well was reminded that yes there is a devil and its important not to be ignorant of him but to acknowledge that he is there and is out for anyone who wants to be good and follow the ways of God. If it seems like you are being attacked constantly thats a good sign because he won't attack those that belong to him, tempt them and stuff because they belong to him ma. 

Just as it is good to acknowlege the devil that he is real just like the baju we wear is real. Its also important not to be obsessed about the devil and go into all kinds of things, like witchcraft, casting spells and stuff like that. They may seem cool especially since harry potter does it but in the end its just the destruction of the person that the devil seeks.

We as christians have been uprooted from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of God where we are now called his children. And when we come to him he gives us the holy spirit so we cannot be possessed by evil spirits as long as we stay close to God and follow his ways.

One thing that i think is important as we go through life is to have an anchor, just like when silar was confused with who he was after he got the shape shifting ability denko asked him to find an anchor, something to remind him of who he really is and for denko it was a watch his dad gave him. I think its very important la to have something that will help you stand when the storms of life come. For me its a few things, and if you follow this blog you will hear me say it over and over again; God is good, he is pure good and nothing can separate us from his love and he only does what is right, he will not give us evil if the ultimate purpose is not to build us up. God is a loving God. That for me is what keeps me going when so much have been stripped away i always come to that.

~shalom~