the dawning

As time passes it begins to dawn on me slowly. This is real. Honestly when i look at myself i can't possbily imagine being in this role. Yeah i know, trust in the Lord, God is with you and all that. I know that but why am I still worried? So far when i evaluate myself there are still things that i neglect, didn't think of, don't know how to handle, and the list goes on and on but this is real.

I know i have everyone's support but why am I still worried? Maybe because i know myself. I'm really scared that I will mess things up or be too busy to take notice of the needs of the people around me, and on and on.

Someone said when you think negatively about yourself you are in agreement with the devil because he is the accuser of the bretheren. This is new territory for me and i hope my mistakes only lead to correction and improvement because there will be lots of mistakes.

Lord, you know my heart, you know everything about me, and yet you have allowed this too to happen. I dunno what your plans or intentions are for me in this role but i just lift it up to you and say i need your guidance. I need your wisdom. I need you. Help me step out of myself and see these people that you have placed in my care. I want to learn in this period so teach me. Thank you father in Jesus name.

-ONWARD

macbook update may 2009

Apple updated the white macbook. It now comes with a 2.13ghz processor and a bigger 160gig harddrive. In case anyone is interested. And if you buy online, the price did not change, its still RM 3599.

~shalom~

countdown

Right now i feel like going somewhere where there's no on in sight for miles and just scream my lungs out.

~shalom~

what i need

Most times i only come up with a title after i'm done typing. Anyway.

On friday after my presentation, photoshoot wah like model now hehe. Went to SIB for a talk on responding to God's call and this pastor who's about 60 was sharing about his experience in the ministry. From what i gathered he has been serving for about 30 years, thats almost as long as i've been existing. And he doesn't look his age. He still has full hair, still energetic, very animated when he speaks you can sense the excitement in his words. I dunno why i notice these things but i do. Its the little things that matter to me.

Well he was quite worried that not enough people are answering God's call to ministry and shared that there is a lack of people in specific roles, there's a need for teachers, preachers, leaders of small and large groups of people, church planters, evangelists, missionaries, educators in christian doctrine and so on. I couldn't help but wonder if i was ever called. I honestly don't know what i'm good at. I know i like to encourage people but beyond that nada.

One thing thats important, which he stressed more than once was that christian ministry is not something you go into when all else fails. You know when you don't think you fit into anywhere in the world you go to bible school or something. He gave the assurance that you will not last. 

Without reharshing everything he said, there's one thing he said that really made sense to me. God does not give us what we want, he gives us what we need. And i thought about it, i want a lot of things, i want a psp, i want a new camera, and a portable camera, i want this and that and travel to here and there and enjoy my life, i want a good job with a good wife and a lovely home with two boys or one boy one girl or you know i want a lot of things. But God only gives us what we need. Question is, will i be satisfied with what God gives me, or will i always seek the want? Am i content even though i don't get all those nice things? If i never get a mac will i be content or will i continue to strive until i get it. Where do you draw the line between ambition, looking forward to something and being satisfied with what God has given? Its something to ponder on.

~shalom~

P.S its interesting that psalm 23 says the lord is my shepherd, i shall not want. Just thought i would throw that in.

24

Plus one today and i dont feel anything. No excitement, not sure if i can celebrate it or not all thats in my head is planning for the vcf committee retreat camp, make sure everything goes well, remind people, remember not to forget anything.

Good thing my presentation is done, atleast there's one less thing to worry about. But next week i have to complete all my daa (design and analysis of algorithms) tutorials, prepare for two tests and complete my part of the group project. 

Tomorrow i'll be attending a meeting with the student council, well there goes my saturday. 

If this is any indication of things to come i better start getting used to it.

~shalom~

zee avi

Love her style.

~shalom~

deliver us

Tuesday nights are one of the best times of the week for me. Its always like haih tuesday again but at the end i feel wow so blessed. 

There's sometime about the alpha program or maybe its just fellowship, studying the bible together, learning, sharing that i love. I like that there are new things or things that i know but need to be reminded. Someone once told me humans need to be reminded more than they need to be instructed and its true.

Today we went through how to resist evil. And its true just as there's a God who's all good there's also a devil who is all evil but they are not in the same level. I mean God is all powerful and supreme and soverign, in control over every affair of man and life but the devil is not so powerful. The bible actually says he's a fallen being. And he's only there to steal, kill, destroy. 

Today i learned, well was reminded that yes there is a devil and its important not to be ignorant of him but to acknowledge that he is there and is out for anyone who wants to be good and follow the ways of God. If it seems like you are being attacked constantly thats a good sign because he won't attack those that belong to him, tempt them and stuff because they belong to him ma. 

Just as it is good to acknowlege the devil that he is real just like the baju we wear is real. Its also important not to be obsessed about the devil and go into all kinds of things, like witchcraft, casting spells and stuff like that. They may seem cool especially since harry potter does it but in the end its just the destruction of the person that the devil seeks.

We as christians have been uprooted from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of God where we are now called his children. And when we come to him he gives us the holy spirit so we cannot be possessed by evil spirits as long as we stay close to God and follow his ways.

One thing that i think is important as we go through life is to have an anchor, just like when silar was confused with who he was after he got the shape shifting ability denko asked him to find an anchor, something to remind him of who he really is and for denko it was a watch his dad gave him. I think its very important la to have something that will help you stand when the storms of life come. For me its a few things, and if you follow this blog you will hear me say it over and over again; God is good, he is pure good and nothing can separate us from his love and he only does what is right, he will not give us evil if the ultimate purpose is not to build us up. God is a loving God. That for me is what keeps me going when so much have been stripped away i always come to that.

~shalom~

lx3

I can't believe this camera packs much punch in a small sleak body than my bulky H9. Tempting, tempting. Anybody want to buy a used but cared-for sony cybershot dsc h9?

On second thought i think i'll be holding on to my h9 for a while longer. I recently discovered a setting i'm exploring that makes it feel like its going to obey me more :p still the lumix is very nice.
~shalom~

into your hands

You know thinking about how everything went, i am reminded of my favourite psalms, 139...where can i hide from you spirit? If i go to heaven you are there, if i go to the lace of the dead you are there... i could ask the darkness to hide me but darkness is like light to you...

I don't understand why all these things happen. God knows i am still shocked and feel so unworthy of such a responsibility. He knows my heart and perceives my thoughts from afar. Looking at myself and evaluating myself i FAIL. But there's a few things i know. God is good, and he will not bring any harm to his children. God is faithful, what he says, he will do and he can be trusted. In all my life he has never failed me. So i guess whats left is for me to allow him to mould me to the person he wants me to be. 

I am scared but sometimes its not a bad thing. Please keep me in prayers and offer your advice and suggestions. For some reason i've been going through the sms pack again and Hebrews 10: 24 & 25 says let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing but let us encourage one another - and all the more as we see the Day approaching.

Into Your hands i commit again, my life, this fellowship, my brothers and sisters. May we be the josephs and davids and gideons and rebeccas and naomis and ruths and pauls and timothys in this time of our service. Thank you father.

~shalom~

new birthday present

ok here i go again. After much frustration with my current camera, i want something better. I've used canon before and loved it. My first camera was a canon powershot A75. Was expensive at the time but now have been discontinued. Sadly that camera suffered from many users and died. I miss it. Well thats why i like canon.

And i remember i wanted a psp for my birthday but i think why play games when you can have real fun outdoors with this baby so this, or something better will be my delayed birthday present to me. haha.

~shalom~

closer

Hehe my new favourite song.

Closer- jars of clay

Well you thought you let go, but you’re still hanging on
Mother earth’s slowing down, she’s still spinning around
And we-eee, are gettin dizzy

I’ll drop out of the race for more personal space
Cuz the rocket’s we're in, get’s so cold and I miss your skin
that’s just how I’m feelin.

If you need more love, well you’ve got to get close to me
If you want my love, well you’ve got to get closer to me

No unreachable itch, if you hemorrhage I’ll stitch
You are tears, I’m a cheek, I’m a pail on your boat with slow leaks
out to sea for weeks

If you want my love, well you’ve got to get close to me
If you need my love, well you’ve got to get closer to me
Oh, if you want my love

I don’t understand why we can’t get close enough
I want your kite strings tangled in my trees all wrapped up
I don’t understand why we can’t get close enough
I’ll be the comets that are fallin’ from the sky you light up…light up

You’re my shirt, I an arm
I’m the tick, you’re the bomb
You’re the L and the V, I’m the O and the E, and we…
Am I speaking clearly?

If you want my love, well you’ve got to get close to me
Ooh, if you want my love…

I don’t understand why we can’t get close enough
I want your kite strings tangled in my trees all wrapped up
I don’t understand why we can’t get close enough
I’ll be the comets that are fallin from the sky you light up

Because I don’t understand why we can’t get close enough
I’ll miss the shivers in my spine every time that we touch.

~shalom~

signs

Because miracles happen everyday :)
~shalom~

God my strength

Today was one of those days when God just wanted to talk to me. I've been blessed every week just going through the alpha material with a bunch of great people and today we went through why we read the bible. I'm not sure what the exact topic says but its something along those lines and we had a very good discussion. 

I find that i usually dont have time to prepare for the sessions. Between getting the food and making photocopies of the materials for everyone ( forgot this week :p), and copying the video and adding in other funny short clips and stuff plus class ( thank God i only had one class today) there's just... well i guess there is time but somehow i dont get around to doing it and i freak out because i hate those moments when everyone is looking to me to say something and i dont have more to say.

Today after the video i just went to the toilet far from the building so i can slip a few lines of prayer before we began the session and its incredible how God will use the most simplest honest prayers and make something out of it. Its happened to me lots of times and its not because i'm special or anything, far from it.

So about the bible. I noticed today while everyone was talking that for me, that time in the morning when i'm all alone is very short. Most times i can't wake up on time because i slept late or just want to sleep. But i realised i missed the times when i spent just reading the word and praying a bit. Just spending time with God, uninterrupted by msn or facebook or my phone or my housemates music or the concerns for the day. For me it has become routine, just a ritual i do to please my conscience and i dont want that, i want relationship. 

Father bring me back to the place where it was just me and you everyday, i wan.

In the end i just thought it would be nice for everyone to share their favourite verses of scripture, the ones that meant a lot to them and for me its this one in Romans 8:38 & 39

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

~shalom~

freaking out

I hate stuff i dont understand. I hate that it takes me longer to grasp the concept being thought, i want to hate design and analysis of algorithms but i can't. Its actually very useful. But why does it have to be so hard?

I've been trying to understand something as easy as a depth-first search algorithm and i get it sort of but can't seem to reach the ooooh moment, the moment of complete comprehension. 

I still have my AMI assignment i have not touched, group project to complete, fcs codes to write, the stupid weekly log book thingy, two more tests, and a host of other things to do plus a little over a month before finals. I'm so dead. This is me freaking out.

~shalom~

curtin choir performance on open day

Found this on anders' blog. See original post. Didn't know it was this good, was scared we sounded terrible :p

~shalom~

love story/viva la vida by jon schmidt

~shalom~

big apple in miri

How are you this may day? Well i'm sleep deprived. A few days ago i got a message from my friend cheryl that big apple will be opening in miri and there will be coupons on the borneo post for the first 100 customers to be entitled with a free box of 6 donuts. 

We purchased the paper and this morning we left home at about 7.30 destined for bintang but not before breakfast. 

Well the shopping mall does not open until 9.30 but some people managed to get in and started the queue at the big apple stall. My friend cheryl sneaked in some how and kept calling every 5 mins or so asking us to come in. "Tell them you want to go to the toilet" she said. This is probably the first time i've seen mirians and i am sure a lot of bruneians queue up for anything that early in the morning. 

When we were finally allowed to go in, there was one thing on everyone's mind, RUN. haha and thats exactly what happened. We made a run for it to the new wing of bintang and then to big apple. Well enough talking here are some snaps.

See the lady on the left with the thing on her head? She was not on the line, she was outside but somehow i found her in front of me. How she got in i have no idea. There were a lot of line cutters.



thats what the line looked like behind me.





Did i mention it was a long line?



see this man, the one in the blue shirt looking to the right? Line cutter. He's lucky i'm not very opinionated or i would have told him off. Are we all stupid to form a line just so some guy can come in front? Is he more important or something?



there he is again



can you spot the line cutter?



oh yeah i was the 42nd person.



and this is my selection. You can only choose 3 and the others will be chosen for you. Their rules.



Whats it called in kuching? pink panther right?



it was her idea to leave so early and queue up.



this is jeffery, he just came along because he's as crazy as we are.



hard at work





If there's one thing i learned today is that people are corrupt and will do anything. It was just donuts yet there were people cutting queue and sending the kids to go for them. One came in front of me and looked up at my {because i'm so tall and she's so wittle} with her cute face. I'm sure the mommy asked her to jump queue. Makes you worry for the next generation huh. Be good parents, teach your children to respect others and follow rules. And dont be a line cutter.

~shalom~