peace on earth

This Christmas is different. It's the first one I've spent alone in recent memory, the least festive of them all. I woke up rather early, and went back to sleep, overslept and didn't make it to church. I've heard this poem as a song many times and while it's not my absolute favourite, it's the most fitting this year. Have a blessed Christmas.

I heard the bells on Christmas day.

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
and mild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men."


-ONWARD!

Xperia Sola: One week in

After using the Sola for a week now, here are some of the things I've noticed.

Initial Setup
When you get an Android phone you need to connect it with your Google account as part of the initial setup. I have two factor authentication setup for my Google account and could not find a way to sign in with my account without disabling two factor auth first. This was a pain because my password is quite long and alphanumeric but once it was disabled on the Google website I could sign in and start downloading apps.

Contacts Migration
When you like with your Google account, you can opt to pull in all your Google contacts. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life sorting out the contacts mess that results from that action I'll recommend connecting to your pc and using the companion app to pull in contacts from outlook or similar contacts applications. There needs to be an easier way to transfer contacts from one phone to another. Nokia has been good in this area for years I don't know why it's so hard to do. This needs to be fixed.

Memory
The Sola comes with 5GB available for apps which is more than enough for me. I don't use a lot of apps. I have the usual suspects, instagram, flipboard, whatsapp, line, twitter and so on. There's expandable memory in the form of an SD card, up to 32GB for other media like music and photos. The RAM on the other hand I find to be a little inadequate. 512MB is not enough for a smooth experience. I notice a lot of lag even with native apps like the phonebook or messaging app. I don't expect these to load slowly at all but they do and it's puzzling.

Android 4.0
I expected the upgrade from Gingerbread to happen over the air but you have to connect to a computer to get the Ice Cream Sandwich update. It takes a while to update though so make sure your battery is full. In my opinion its a worthy upgrade.

Battery
After the update to ICS battery performance took a noticeable hit. My battery can last a day of moderate use but it doesn't last as long as it did before the update. The biggest battery drain is the screen, so if I am reading long articles I notice the battery indicator value drop one value every few seconds.

Connectivity
On my Nokia N82 I used the Maxis 5mb per week data plan for whatsapp, twitter and light facebook and it was more than enough. I blew through that rather quickly on the Sola. For some really the phone does not detect my home router, so using wifi is quite wonky. I found a way to make it work though its a temporary fix. Turns out it's not uncommon to have problems with wifi on smartphones.

Camera
The camera is not great. I really miss my N82 camera, though they're both 5 mega pixels, the Nokia takes far superior pictures. I miss the fine grained controls on the Nokia. The Sola's shutter button is a two stage one but it's quite hard to use well. I find it to be unnecessarily stiff.

Screen
The 3.7" display is great. I have that I can operate the device with one hand and can reach every edge though something a bit bigger like a 4" display or even a 3.9" would make typing in portrait mode much better. The 854 x 480 pixels is good enough for me, nothing to complain here. One more thing, though not related to the screen is the LED notification light at the top of the display. I find it very handy to know if there's a message waiting or something that needs my attention so I don't have to unlock the phone to know if there's a message I've missed. It starts to blink red when the battery is low, I like that.

Going with white
I'm now questioning the decision to get the white one. The finish of the plastic makes it retain dirt and stains easily. I wish it was more glossy like the back of my N82. I still think the white looks best though.

I think that's pretty much it. I would love the battery to last a bit longer and more RAM, otherwise I'm a happy camper.

-ONWARD!

You made a lot of people happy today.
Arigatou Kami-sama.

-ONWARD!

Refuse to be average. Let your soul soar as high as it will
-A. W. Tozer

-ONWARD!

Xperia Sola

The last time I bought a new phone was in late 2007, I traded-in my Nokia N72, a nice phone that takes decent pictures and had great sound but it's slow operation drove me crazy so I got an N82.

The N82 has a 5 Megapixel camera with Xenon flash, it takes great photos and I've been more than satisfied with it until I discovered whatsapp, the messaging app that wants to run all the time on Symbian devices. My battery usage took a hit once I started using this app so I recently got a new battery for the N82 to help me get through the day. The sound quality is also above average especially with nice headphones. I've told myself I don't need a smartphone, my phone is smart enough but alas I have succumbed to my fleshly desires.

These days having a smartphone has become a necessity, it makes life so much easier especially now that most of the airlines prefer their customers to use their respective apps to check-in and stuff, not that I'm a frequent flier but the time has come to bit the bullet.

I chose Android, after looking at Windows Phone. I'm a big fan of the OS and I think it has potential to be great but it's not ready for prime time and as a Symbian user for so many years, there are things that I have gotten used to and have come to expect from my device that Windows Phone has not offered yet. I'm optimistic that they will get there someday. I didn't an iPhone because you its expensive, and to play in Apple's ecosystem, you have to be willing to spend more than the average amount for everything. Maybe someday when I'm earning enough money it will make sense but not right now. I never liked Blackberrys so I didn't even consider it.

Android is also the cheapest option available to me. My N82 cost me MYR 1200 which is a little under USD 400. I didn't want to spend that kind of money on a phone again. I bought a Sony Xperia Sola today for MYR 750 670 at a phone shop in Imperial Mall Miri. It comes after weeks, maybe months of comparing phones and specs, watching reviews and weighing the pros and cons. Sony makes decent mid to low end phones though historically they have been reluctant to push out Android updates to their older models. The Sola runs on Gingerbread but will be upgradable to Ice Cream Sandwich or Android 4.0, the latest version of Android is at 4.2 as of the time of writing.

I don't have much to say about the phone, there are reviews on youtube so I'll leave you with some pictures.


I got the white one. Its also available in Red and Black


Power button on the top left side


volume rocker and camera button on the right side


three capacitive touch buttons on the bottom


Micro usb put on the top right side


the sola next to my old sony ericsson w810i

-ONWARD!

its not turkey day

In the spirit of thanksgiving, even though I'm not American, you don't have to be to give thanks. It's not enough to be thankful in general. It's important to know who you are ascribing thanks to.

All things considered I'm very blessed. I was just thinking today while a friend picked me up at the bus stop that I'm surrounded by people who have been such a blessing in my life. People I didn't even know existed a few years ago.

I don't say this to brag but to give thanks to God for good health. Besides flu and headaches I don't get sick. It's amazing. I used to get sick during exam periods but not any more.

I've been blessed by an awesome family that supports me, they're really the best. I've been blessed by my church where I receive encouragement every week to be the best I can be. I've been so blessed and I am so grateful, but is it enough to be grateful? Is more required from me?

One of the reasons I still keep writing here after so many failed attempts to quit is because it's kind of my outlet. I'm not a good Christian, if such a thing exists, but I hope that I can do this small thing to help anyone who wonders around these parts seeking for hope or comfort or encouragement. Is that enough? Absolutely not but it is something I can do.

Teach us dear Lord to be grateful and to give you thanks for all that you do every day in our lives.

-ONWARD!

holding a grudge

My Pastor always says unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wishing the other person die. It's silly. God knows how to speak to each one of us in a specific way, a way we can understand. Today two things happened that made me realise that I've been holding a grudge for a long time. I thought I had taken the high road but I guess not.

We're good at masking our true feelings towards people and its easy to keep faking it but thank God for that little voice of truth inside. If things are unresolved, no matter how small, I never truly forget. I might put it out of my mind for a while but it will bubble up again so here I am facing this unresolved grudge.

Words truly are powerful, be careful how you use them.

-ONWARD!

pardon me while I pray

Pardon me.

I look to you the author and finisher of my faith, I look to you the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, the maker of the universe. You rule over the affairs of men, there is nothing you cannot do. I look to you the God of my salvation. Who shall I fear, of who shall I be afraid? I look to the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. I look to you Jesus the Lord of all creation. You have the whole world in your hands, there is nothing you cannot do.

I pray to you Lord for all that is in my heart. For the things I don't know how to say, I pray that you have mercy on us, have mercy on us, Jesus son of David, have mercy on us. Turn a new chapter, open a door no one can shut and let you face shine upon us. Restore the years the locusts and the canker worms have stolen, as you have promised. Break every chain, break every yoke and set your people free. You say Lord I shall be save with my household, I pray for you salvation to come, I pray for a change, I pray that you will remove, uproot every tree that the father has not planted. Break every heart of stone and give us hearts of flesh that tremble at your word. Do it quickly Lord for your glory, your name is at stake here. Come to our salvation, it is you we look to, no one else.

We pray that your light will shine in our lives, we pray for and we receive your grace to live after your example, we pray for patience, we pray for perseverance, for when we want to give up, give us the strength to carry on one more day. I pray that your love will fill our hearts and that we can show your love to those who really need it. We pray that our light will shine as the darkness grows deeper, let our light shine and extinguish the works of darkness. We pray that your will be done in our lives, that we will love, like you have loved us and we will give sacrificially just as you have given.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. We ask for a breakthrough in Jesus name, we ask that you make a way where there is no way, we ask for a miracle, rivers in the desert, we know, we are hopeful that one day we will sing songs of victory and thanks to the Lord who keeps his promises. We will give thanks to the Lord for he is faithful and his love endures forever. Nothing can separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus. We are your people and you are our God, we know that salvation comes not from the east or the west but comes from the Lord. We are hopeful, and as we work, we wait for your restoration. Thank you Lord.

-ONWARD!

The Amazing Spiderman

This post includes a lot of spoilers so if you have not watched the movie yet and you don't like spoilers then you probably don't want to read on.

I finally got to watch the Amazing Spiderman today. It does not follow the previous series starring Toby Maguire, its kind of a reset or a new series if you like. A few things bugged me about this movie. I enjoyed it, no doubt, I thought it was very fun almost like a Disney movie but I was not drawn into the story, I was just puzzled most of the time.

The first thing I noticed right from the start is how long it took for the movie to get started. They went into more details about Peter's life as a boy when his parents were still alive. It was nice to get to know his parents, I don't think the previous series concentrated on that part of the story but I feel like it was unnecessary to go into so much detail. Pretty much the first hour of the movie was all this pre-story before he became Spiderman. I felt quite impatient with this approach, I think with the Toby Maguire series we kind of know the Spiderman story so it didn't require a whole hour to reharsh the story we already know.

I felt this Spiderman is a little too reckless, he took off his mask so many times revealing his identity too early. I'm surprised they allowed that. The part where he saved the kid was fine and when he was cornered towards the end, I guess can't be helped but the other times I thought it was uncalled for. I guess the directors wanted to show the juvenile Spiderman but I thought it was too reckless.

In the animated series I watched while I was a kid, Spiderman relied on his spidey senses and Its nice to see them bring a bit of that out in this movie. I thought it was a nice touch. He's spidey senses have clearly not matured yet and that could be an area to develop in any subsequent movie.

Finally the thing that I didn't quite think about until this movie was those darn webs. Are they bio-degradable? Or do they stick around after they have been spun? And another thing, why didn't anyone from OSCORP recognise what is effectively their research being used in such a public way. Someone must have seen those webs and thought, hmm, that looks familiar.

All these aside though, I thought it was a nice movie. I get the feeling that its geared towards the younger generation. There might be more movies in this series since we haven't met Maryjane yet. The Spiderman story is not complete yet without her, forget Gwen.

-ONWARD!

foolish things

At lunch today I was asked what the most exotic food I've ever eaten was and I could not name one. Everything seems so normal to me, except Durians. I'm in the camp of people who don't particularly care for the fruit.

I've been here long, sometimes I think too long and I find myself thinking back to the first days I set foot in this Country, how surreal it was, how it rained and how the air was so fresh. But I feel like its time to move on, the problem is where to? One can go crazy thinking about all these things. I've caught myself praying on the way to the bus stop, it can be really unnerving. Not praying to the bus stop, that's fine but having something so bother you that you're doing thing unconsciously.

But I know what God will make a way. I know because He's got to. I have no one else so I look to the hills where my help comes from, the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. While some may trust in their Chariots and Horses, I will trust in the name of the Lord. I have nothing to lose because it's not about me, it's all about him. I'm a nobody, He's a somebody. Wah that's so bold, what if it doesn't work out? I don't care. I'd rather trust in God and 'lose' than do my own thing. There's a way that seems right to a man but it ends in destruction. He chooses the foolish things of this world to shame the wise after all. I look to You.

-ONWARD!

Peace be still

At another conclusion.
Help me finish well, not to merely finish.
Strengthen my heart.
Vanquish fear and doubt.
Bring to remembrance victories of old.
Strengthen my heart.
Calm the storms with your word.
Peace be still. Shush now. Quiet now.
Light my path, my feet too.
Strengthen my heart.

-ONWARD!

small victories

I love my church and I've always longed to serve in some way. There are a lot of opportunities and over they years we've had more and more people willing to serve and it has been such an encouragement. A few months ago, there was an opportunity to serve with the youth and our leader was replaced by 4 of us. More like three of us, since one went away for studies.

It has been quite difficult getting the young ones to respond to weekly meetings. In our first meeting no one turned up, though it could have been due to the timing of the meeting than anything else but still it was very discouraging. We just played a few songs and worshipped, all three of us. It was good worship but still. As I thought of what we could have done better, and ways we can improve, another thought came into my mind; maybe I've bitten more than I can chew again. Maybe I've made another impulsive decision before thinking it through. Nobody likes to look bad and sometimes we don't persist with things because we don't look good straight away.

There was also another thought, far better than the previous. More like reminders; don't despise the day of small beginnings. Sometimes nothing happens until we pray. There was also the question, how much do you want to make a difference?

I saw a quote on Facebook the other day "Vegetarians make bad hunters". And for me, it was probably a test of commitment. I don't have to try hard to come up with excuses why I don't want to do this. And if I decide that I made a mistake and back off, no one would hold it against me but is that what I really want?

It was not coincidence that the message in church the next Sunday was on Faith. And I learned that God is not impressed by your good behaviour, but Faith gets God's attention. And Faith must be progressive, not passive. This changed my thinking and removed the burden on me. Now its not up to me whether it works or not. All I have to do is play my role and trust that its important enough to God to make things work out.

Last Saturday we went from Zero to Two people. A far cry from the numbers we should have but don't despise small beginnings. Everything that is big was once small. For me its a great encouragement. Next week we'll be having an outing, and most of the Curtin students will be back so there will be more people. Sometimes, merely being willing is not enough.

-ONWARD!

I found this on tumblr and it spoke to me so I'm sharing it here.

To love means loving the unlovable
To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable
Faith means believing the unbelievable
Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless
-G.K Chesterson

-ONWARD!

the bathroom is a great place

This morning I was complaining a bit about some of the things I want now and my imagination was working overtime. I think of the craziest things. Anyway I was complaining as I was taking my shower then something happened. You know when it seems like you're talking to yourself, almost like there are two of you, one talking to you and the other which is still you is listening? No? Well it was like I was talking to myself and the place in the bible where it says that our life does not consist of what we eat or what we drink, it consists more than just that came to mind and I was comforted.

Its so easy to complain and worry about all the things we are missing out on and its a perpetual struggle to look on the bright side. But everyone, if they would stop and be honest, has something to be thankful for. For me, every time I find myself complaining, I'm trying to be thankful instead. Was trying to find cool quotes on gratitude but its okay.

Isn't it funny the kind of things you think about in the bathroom? Its so weird.

-ONWARD!

thank God for good health

People come and go. Life is made up of seasons. Enjoy the one you're in. Cherish it, relish it, and enjoy it because seasons change. People come and go.

I want to make a short note to thank God for good health. Last week I started having sore throat, then flu, then those headaches. Used a lot of tissues, sneezed a whole lot, didn't want to leave the house. It rained that morning so I had double excuse to stay home. But after a short prayer and drinking hot tea (I like Jasmine Green tea) the flu was gone, but I started coughing a lot. I guess its because of the sore throat. I've not had flu heal that fast before. Just one day. It usually takes a few days and a few cups of hot tea to kill it.

That's just one instance but on a larger scale, I don't remember the last time I had to take medicine. Even the headaches die down after a short nap. So I thank God for very good health. I know I don't do a good job taking care of my body but God has been very merciful and I am grateful.
-ONWARD!

don't be a spoilt brat

An interesting thing happens when you don't get what you want. The other day after lifegroup, little Gabriel wanted his mummy to buy milo peng (iced milo) for him because some of the Curtin students bought McD on their way back home. He was whining and making a fuss and his mummy didn't really pay attention to him. She's used to it I guess. It reminded me of the time when I would ask my mummy for things and she would say no and that was it. My mood was sour after that but you had to deal with it. She's like a brick wall when it comes to irrelevant things. When you don't get what you want, you are in an interesting place of helplessness and most times having your request turned down is good for you. Spoilt brat is what we call people who always get what they want and its not a compliment.

In church and lifegroup (lifegroup is what we call cellgroup), we've been going through a lifestyle of worship and one thing that was pointed out, and I'm not alone in this; when we get what we want, and have been asking for we stop praising God/seeking God. Its a bad habit and does not respect the relationship we have. I see this on twitter a lot "Oh I'm sorry. I forgot I only exist to you when you need something". Its true right? The correct attitude is to always have a lifestyle of worship, whether you need something or not or already got what you wanted.

God values your soul more than anything.
I don't know if I've talked about this before but it bear repeating anyway. If being successful will draw you away from God, then God may not give you success. It sounds so unfair right? But what's more valuable? It's not that if you are wealthy or lack few things you get scared that God will take it away. I like to believe that God is good and people like Abraham convince me that it is possible to be wealthy and still have a close relationship with God. Again it does not mean that if you're struggling financially that you attribute your situation to this fact. But its true that God values your soul more than anything and will go to any length to get your heart and your attention. He's passionate like that.

The past few weeks has been great. I really enjoy catching up with my siblings, especially the sisters. Sisters are the best. And I love my brother too. He's special. I feel so blessed.

-ONWARD!

love your side of the fence

Love your side of the fence. I made this statement to a friend and at the time it just came out without much thought but as I think about it a bit more I'm quite puzzled why I framed it the way I did. It might have something to do with the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side".

The main premise for the statement is based on wanting more than you have at the moment. If I learned anything from my economics class way back in secondary school is that as humans we are inherently insatiable. Our wants are numerous and its vanity trying to satisfy them all, that is why we have priorities. So we always want more than we have and its not entirely a bad thing. The desire for more, better, has pushed us further ahead technologically and improved our lives immensely. But there's a bad side to always wanting more, and that's in not being content or satisfied. When will enough be enough for you?

My main argument was that life is all about seasons and a key to living happily in whatever season you are in is to find a way, or ways of enjoying it without looking at all the things you cannot have now, all the things that maybe will come in the next season. If you are single, by all means enjoy being single without regretting that you don't have someone. Do all the things that your freedom as a single allows you to do because once you find someone you won't be able to do those things any more. If you are a student, play games, travel, meet people, stay up late, enjoy your student life because you will have to work someday and you won't be able to do those things again. You will miss it. If you are working, enjoy your work, cherish the challenges and opportunities your job brings you. Enjoy waking up and having a place to go, things to do, errands to run because there will come a time when you won't have to do all those things any more and you will miss it.

Love your side of the fence is my way of saying, enjoy the now. Prepare for tomorrow and the changes it brings but live in the present.

-ONWARD!

while waiting

Here we are again, at the crossroads of decision. Here or there, this one or that one. If I've ever needed Your guidance, it is now, in this season. I don't want you to bless the way I choose, but lead the way I'll follow.

Isn't it strange how its so easy to do the wrong thing, yet not so for the right?

-ONWARD!

work in progress

Many times it feels like following Jesus means you have to give up a lot of stuff. And many times we feel deprived of some of the good things others enjoy. Then through interaction and conversation, we realise that by following Jesus we have been saved a lot of pain, suffering, grief. Even though we still have pain, suffering and grief, its of a different kind, the kind that does not destroy but builds. It does not leave us hopeless but makes us stronger.

God is moving in your life. You may not see it but He's working. Be of good courage.
-ONWARD!

Steady my heart

In this chaotic life, its comforting to have a place to run to. I love this song. Steady my heart by Kari Jobe


Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan

And I will run to You
And find refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart (x2)

...
Beautiful isn't it?


-ONWARD!

To You

To you, wherever you are at this very moment. You probably will never see this but there's so much I want to tell you, so much to share, I can't wait to begin. But I must wait, and so must you. Take your time, get prepared. Wait for me. I'll wait for you. We will surely meet. It will be the happiest day of our lives. Heaven will smile on us, birds will sing for us, trees will dance for us. The seas will clap for us. You'll see.

Faith is a mysterious thing. Faith is a powerful thing. Faith is a necessary thing. I will love again.

-ONWARD!

notes from discipling a nation part 2

These notes are from the second night of the talk.
Leadership
When you become a disciple, you become a leader. Every disciple has/should have a spirit of leadership. The spirit of leadership involves taking responsibility of other people.

Moses:
His greatest challenge was listening to the complaints of the people for 40years. Exodus 15,16,17. Listening to their complaints was the most important thing Moses did as a leader. The one time he lost his temper (Numbers 20:12) he was punished by the Lord. The best thing you can do as a leader is to listen. Listen to the people.

Elijah:
Elijah's greatest test was with discouragement, fear and depression. 1Kings 19.
What can we learn from Elijah? When you are lonely, alone, discouraged, just wait and the still and gentle voice of the Holy Spirit will speak and tell you what to do. As a follower of Jesus you will have moments when you are tired and don't want to go on. Remember Elijah, wait on the Lord and he will speak.

Don't get upset with yourself, and your ability. Its what God puts in you that makes the difference. Don't wait for other people to make you a leader, they cannot make you a leader. Only God can make a leader. "A man can receive nothing than what is given him from heaven".

Paul:
2 Timothy 1:15. Paul's friends and supporters deserted him, even opposed him. It wasn't the support the of people that made Paul the leader he was and you don't need that support too.

Jesus:
There came a moment when Jesus whose whole life was about the Father called out "Father, Father, why have you forsaken me." (Can you imagine what its like? )

We all will have moments of great weakness and despair but remember to look to him still. "Lord help me be a disciple and the kind of leader others can follow and find you".

Rebuilding the altar
"God takes final responsibility for everything we do, both good and bad" (This by the way blew my mind. Scary isn't it?) Religion is what we christians do when God doesn't show up. It becomes a show. When we do that, there will be no fire.

Altars:
An altar to the Lord is a place you went when you had a need only God could fill. You went because there had been a sickness or a failure in your business, or something only God can reconcile.
You always go with a gift, an offering and it had to be alive (those days they brought lambs, goats, bulls...)
Something that represents your livelihood.
What satisfies God with our offering is the fact that whatever we lay down, that precious thing that represents our livelihood, that offering burns, is given to God and never returns.

You want revival? Start by building an altar. A place where men and women make business with God and you've got to start offering a sacrifice that is acceptable to God, and God will come. Revival is not a mystery. Build an alter in your own life. You need a place you go when you need to do business with God. You never go empty handed. Bring God a gift; your time, your energy, your money...

...

For the past few weeks in church, setting out time to spend with God has been the main message, and reading this again is confirmation. Setting out time to be alone with God is one of those things I want to do but for whatever reason never really get around doing it. I'm not talking about the normal everyday devotions but an extra time to really be still and listen.

-ONWARD!

notes from discipling a nation part 1

As promised my notes on 'Discipling a nation' talk by Peter Tsukahira.

Who is a disciple?
Someone who is disciplined. A discipled follower of Jesus. You can't be a disciple until you have a revelation of who God is 'personally'.

When you choose to go God's direction, you discover that God planned that path a long time ago. In the kingdom of God, every single person has a unique calling from God, specific to your design. In your calling its not about result, its about obedience. For some of us, its more than one gift but the holy spirit gives and God does not take back, even if you don't use it. Sometimes the gift is a big surprise. When you start using your gift, then there's a supernatural empowerment that comes upon you. That is why gifts are different from talents.

There's a difference between people who follow Jesus and disciples of Jesus.
Matthew 13
His disciples was the focus of his entire ministry. Because his disciples will make other disciples and that is how the kingdom of God grows. Trees don't struggle to bear fruit in their season, they just do when they reach maturity. They just bear fruit.

John 17
Two types of 'word' in the bible; Logos, Rhema.

Logos.
God's idea, God's thought, God's purpose. John 1:1, Revelations 19:11

Rhema.
"The voice of God", When the holy spirit speaks to you. Romans 10:17. The holy spirit brings rhema.

How do I get guidance from the Lord?
(At this point he went to talk about light houses and bouys and how ships use to to get their orientation at night when figuring out where the harbour is way before gps was a thing. The main idea is that there are three lights they look out for and when they are aligned the captain of the ship knows he's heading the right way)
You need to get points of guidance that line up so you know what God is saying.

1. Logos - God's word, the bible. You're got to know what the bible says.
2. Rhema - The voice of God speaking to you by the Holy spirit (in prayer)
3. Your circumstances - The council of trusted servants of God; Pastors, mentors, spouse...

Prayers

Developing a prayer life involves seeking God, waiting to heat his voice and learning to recognise his voice. There are three kinds of prayers:

• Petitions - Asking for things.
• Intercessions - Praying for people.
• Meditation - Listening to God's voice.

This is you: "Father here I am, listening, speak to me". Shut out everything else, go into your closet. (Not necessarily where you keep your clothes but some where private where you won't be disturbed), go on a walk. God can speak through dreams, visions...

When all these lights line up, you're in good shape. If one is not in line, wait. You can't force it.

How to understand the bible

Read it word by word, line by line, book by book. Do I understand what it says? No? Go back and read it again. If it makes sense don't look for other sense (his opinion).

• As you are reading the bible, context is king. Don't pull out verses and use it ignoring the surrounding context.
• Not all translations are created equal. NASB, NKJV are word for word translations (he prefers these), NIV is a thought for thought translation (there was a joke that NIV stands for Nearly Inspired Version. Clearly not a favourite. Personally I don't have a problem with NIV, though I mostly use NLT. Just got an ESV bible recently, still not used to it, though it comes highly recommended from people I respect.)
• Israel and the Jewish people makes the bible come alive. (He advocates visiting the holy land, I mean Israel)

God's morality will tell you about what he will do and it should guide your prayers. But it will not tell you when or how. To know that you need to know God's purposefulness. God is immensely purposeful about everything he does. 

The bible reveals by faith, the identity of God and Your identity in God.

Clearly not a coherent piece but those where the points that I managed to scribble down. Hope it blesses you somehow.

-ONWARD!

travel does you good

Travel does your heart some good. I just came back from Kuching from a friend's wedding. It was great and its always nice to meet long time friends. Maybank and Malaysian Airlines conspired to keep me there longer than I planned but it was not a waste. I got the opportunity to listen to two nights of Peter Tsukahira speaking about discipleship. I'll share my notes some other time but it was really nice. Some of the things he shared were not new to me but he has a way of explaining it very clearly and give practical applications.

Meet Destiney

Look who I met. Isn't she pretty? She has a bad habit of sleeping in the day and staying up all night. And her mummy and daddy have to take turns to look after her at night. I'm so happy for pst Chung and Aunty Pei Sing.

-ONWARD!

random monologues

Maybe you can't take it, just like I couldn't. But its okay. I'm fine with that. Its for the best. Live long and prosper. Really.

Why can't things just go according to plan? Why is it that every time you try to organise things it always, almost out of rebellion wants to get disorganised and random. Its like trying to force two north poles of a magnet together. As soon as you let go it does its own thing.

They say you learn to make good decisions by making lots of bad ones. Well that's a bit scary. Actually its very scary considering that your bad decision might course someone their life, if you're like a doctor or a pilot or someone responsible for other people which is pretty much everyone alive. It can also course you your own life, or happiness or something good. But that's the way it is. Makes me think of Ecclesiastes when the wise man was saying everything is vanity, a chasing after the wind. And it is. Really.

What if you could suspend all your fears? What if they didn't matter anymore? What would you do? What won't you do? That's a dangerous way to think and to live because you could be caught in two extremes. You could be very nonchalant and quite frankly destructive. On the flip side you could be more daring yet tempered with a gentle dose of caution and common sense. Either way its dangerous but only one way is beneficial.

Switching gears.

Will I ever love again
An interesting question. Almost everyone who had 'loved and lost' as they say, ask this question. On twitter it seems like there are a lot of people in this category. You think that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, or no one can make me feel the say she did or you can't find a person like that anymore. Its very difficult to see people hurting, especially if you can relate. Like if you had this terrible migrane and its not a usual thing for you but there was this one time when it hit you and you felt like its the worst thing in the world but you got over it and if someone came to you and said: oh man! I have this terrible migrane, you can relate and 'feel their pain', as they say. Most of the times there's nothing you can do except just reassuring them that it will pass, take medication, rest more and stuff like that.

Being with someone changes you, losing them changes you again. There's a tendency to become cynical and scared but its not necessary to feel that way. At least I don't think so. Sometimes its no one's fault and things just happen. Like those magnets. Like I said in the previous post, there are things that make you unique and different and attractive to at least one person. And I know its a small number but it counts. (One of these days I'll post about the influence of one person). And it will be a shame, and a general disservice to yourself and to everyone else to become cynical, angry jealous, and other ugly expressions because something 'bad' happened to you. And you lose that something special. You're not unique in your experiences. People go through worse stuff and still find a reason to smile and be nice. Some of the kindest people have had their heart broken, so giving excuses and sulking is just not sexy attractive.

Will I love again? Absolutely. If you want to. But you must want to. It may take time to get back on your feet and clear your mind and decide what you want. But sure, why not? Everyone is flawed in at least one way that drives your crazy. They will get on your nerves, they will hurt you, they will say not so nice things about you. Can you deal with that? If its too much then consider staying by yourself. You'll probably find something to fill your life with joy. Or not. Who knows? We all harvest what we plant. We all reap what we sow. That sounds better. Giving your heart away is the most unselfish thing humans can do.

-ONWARD!

You

We've probably heard this before: "There are things that only you can do really well." And we believe it but most time the problem is, well, what are those things I can do better than anyone else? Good question. As tempting as it is to offer an answer, not that I have one, I feel like that question opens the door to discovering new, different things about yourself that you never knew.

I love to write. Most times I'm not coherent, and sometimes I don't know what to write about but there's always a compulsion to write. I remember back in primary school, there was this girl I liked and I was too shy to talk to her so I wrote a letter expressing myself but never actually sent it. In fact that note never left my house. That was the earliest memory I had of me, wanting to put something down. I also love playing badminton. I'm not half as good as I want to be. And it seems like I don't improve after playing for a few years. But I enjoy it. I really do. Recently I started playing the guitar. Well playing is a little bit of a stretch. I know a few basic chords and as long as its not a fast song and its a really really simple song I can manage changing chords and stuff but I learned that I enjoy these things.

Well what are you really good at?
I have no idea. But here's my point. You will never find what you are good at until you try lots of stuff. And there will be things you know right away, no that's definitely not for me. And some things you kind of grow into as you get older. Like talking in front of people. It gets better because you outgrow your fears and over the course of your life you would have been put in enough situations where you have to talk to a lot of people at the same time that you just get used to it. Even better at it.

There are indeed some things that you can do better than anyone else. And sometimes its not things that are 'marketable'. It could be as simple as always being there for your friends, listening to them 'complain' and share their feelings and stuff. Not everyone can do that. Most people can tolerate it for a while until they cannot take it anymore. That's something. Use it. Do not disregard it. Do not belittle it. Use it.

When God spoke to Moses and asked him to go set the people of Israel free. Moses complained. Typical right? But God asked him, what is that on your hands? He had a staff (Exodus 3 & 4 if you are curious). A staff is a starting place, something familiar, to ease you into something unfamiliar, even uncomfortable but ultimately good.

This year I didn't really want to get too involved in doing things because I felt so unhappy with a lot of things and it is really my loss but I really feel like I need to step back and "search my feelings" haha. No. Think about why I'm doing all these things or not doing all these things and have a good reason. Today I was reminded to hope again. If you were hanging off a cliff by a thread called hope. That thread is strong enough to carry your weight back up if you won't let go. So this is really for me. To hope again. To encourage myself in the Lord, as my mommy always reminds me. Man can she spam.

There are things you can do really well, better than anyone else, simply because it is you doing it. You bring your uniqueness, your personality into it, you bring yourself into it. And it is good. My encouragement is to keep doing those things. Because its not always the fastest that wins the race, but the persistent.

Matthew 24:13 But the one who endures to the end will be saved.

-ONWARD! Like a boss.

27

Yesterday was my birthday and throughout the day, all I kept thinking was how faithful and merciful God has been. Thank You Lord for one more year.

-ONWARD!

dont be afraid, trust me

I was going through a few notes in my notebook this morning and found this one while I was reading the book of Mark. It deals with having faith, something I'm still not very good at.

Mark 5
Jesus heals a demon possessed man and asks him to tell his friends what has happened to him. (Interesting he didn't say family. Maybe he had no family. Interesting also that a demon possessed man would have friends). He went on to share his story to 10 cities, which is amazing considering the size of one city.
Tell them:

• The wonderful things he has done
• How merciful he has been

What wonderful things has the Lord done for you that you can share?

Jesus always seems to emphasize a practice of faith. The woman who had haemorrhaging for 12 years just believed that simply touching Jesus' clothes would heal her. And it worked. Jesus stopped to look for her just to commend her on her faith. In fact He seems to be annoyed when people display a lack of faith. In Jairus' house he ordered everyone out so he can be surrounded by people who had the same faith that the little girl would live again.

What does this mean for me? In what ways can I display faith where I used to doubt? What things can be possible today if I just believe? "Don't be afraid", Jesus told Jairus, "Trust me".

Mark 6

And he was amazed at their unbelief. 

Our unbelief can stop God from acting on our behalf. No matter how dire or unrealistic a situation, always believe in God to see you through it, to make a way. Make room for him to perform his miracle.

-ONWARD!

holding on

When all is lost, all I remember is that You are good. You are pure good. And You love me. More than I will ever know. So I trust you with my life. I wish it was easier than trying to find my own way, easier than thinking how to make a good life for myself, working harder than I have ever done before. But I believe in you. Don't let me be put the shame. Even if that happens, where else can I go?

-ONWARD!

the people effect

For the past few days I've been meaning to write something but nothing comes to mind. Its like when you're trying to remember someone's name and its at the tips of your tongue yet you cannot articulate it. The brain knows it, you can visualize them in your mind but cannot not utter their name. So close, yet so far.

I'm still relying in my celcom broadband dongle for internet, the slow poke folks at streamyx have not come to fix our internet connection yet so my online presence has been suffering. I have over 60 facebook game requests to respond to and I can't do it until I get real internet.

My external monitor has been fixed. They had to change the motherboard, its a good thing its still under warranty. Once you get used to large screens you really can't go back. With no internet I've been watching and re-watching old movies, series and anime and quite frankly its getting old.

My mornings are spent studying until lunch time, when I switch gears and try to catch up on the news or just read articles online and then my evening are pretty much free. I hardly leave the house except for when I run out of food, or on sundays for church.

This evening I decided to watch Lord of the Rings again and paused it for a while to read the wikipedia article on C.S. Lewis, who wrote the three books that have be made into movies. I really admire C.S. Lewis, or Jack as his friends call him. He is a brilliant writer and reading his wikipedia entry I discovered that he was friends with J.R.R. Tolkein who wrote the Chronicles of Narnia, among other books. Tolkein was one of the influences in Jack's life that made him convert from being an atheist to a christian.

Its amazing the effect people can have on each other. Its like having someone's perfume rob off on you leaving a small piece of them behind. My prayer is to be an instrument. Big or small, prime or subsidiary, if only an instrument, that's enough for me.

I came across this verse this evening and it blessed me:
Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Roman 4:20,21

I believe.

-ONWARD!

make allowances

Its been over a week now since I returned to Miri. I came back to find my guitar sort of broken, my internet disconnected and my external monitor not working. Not a way to start off the week let me tell you. So the first week was spent fixing things but not having my usual setup made me read more. I've already gone through two of Haruki Murakami's books and almost at the end of 'To kill a mocking bird'. And I've been listening to more music and surprised to discover there are really nice songs in my collection. Its great to be back though. I never think I could say this a few years ago but I miss Miri when I'm not here. There's something about this city that has grown on me.

Last week was great, got to go for the VCF bible camp at Lambir. This is my second time in Lambir, the first time I almost drowned but this time I had good sense to stay out of the water. But it was a great experience. You would think that will all the camps I've attended in my lifetime it will be like a 'been there done that' thing but it wasn't. It was different though. There was a time when I was just a participant and went along with what was already planned but now I'm involved in some of the execution. I thank God for Aaron who invited me to go. It was kind of a last minute thing and I was reluctant at first but gave in eventually. VCF is very special to me and even though I felt a bit left out it was still special to be able to lead a small group and share the gospel.

I had an interesting conversation with Pastor Lim of Piasau Baptist Church, he asked me of my plans when I go back home and I told him, and then he asked if I had considered starting a new work and I have not considered it at all because well, I know how hard it is to do something like that and my brief stint at leadership has left its mark on me. Its not for me. At least not for now, maybe in the future things will change but its an interesting point he brings up. There's a natural progression of things and what he said is that if you are faithful with little, more responsibility will be given to you and its something I know but not something I make allowances for, plan for, expect and anticipate. But its worth looking at.

-ONWARD!

its a damn good one

Its April. I was just catching up on desperate housewives, I’m up to episode 18 of season 8 and its getting really interesting. But for some reason after watching, I was just thinking about the VCF camp I’ll be attending and how I came to be a part of VCf and leaving Kuching for Miri and staying longer than I was expecting and I was feeling very sad at the way things have turned out. But many wonderful things have happened all the times I’ve been here. I remember how hard it was for me to leave Kuching, It was like living home again. I was scared I wouldn’t find the kind of family I had in kuching but before I knew it, I was surrounded with people who looked different but had a familiarity to them. I was with family again. I remember all the times we spent together doing all kinds of crazy stuff, breakfast at 4 in the morning at Lutong, weekend drives to town for some real food. Barbecues for no reason other than its been a while since we last had one and all the while studying and having bible study every week. Like I said, crazy.

Sure there’s a lot of sadness, seeing friends leave, stuff like that… but it will be a real shame to focus on just that and leave out the best part. I realize I have to choose how I remember my time here, with fondness or with regret and despite everything, I am grateful for my time here. I cherish every moment, both good and bad because they make me who I am today. Pressure is a part of live, chicks crack a hard shell to come out, diamonds get that way because of the earth’s pressure, plants push through soil to get to the light. Without the hard things, we don’t appreciate the little things. I love all my scars. They tell my story, and it’s a damn good one.

 -ONWARD!

if I kill myself, do i go to heaven?

I was going through my delicious feed and found a from one of the people I follow and followed it through to read the article because its something I've always wondered about and the thoughts expressed about people who commit suicide made sense but I don't know if I agree. It also doesn't help that the person who wrote this article did not provide bible verses to support his (lets just go with his for simplicity) argument.

Personally I think if you kill yourself you are committing murder even if its on yourself. And no murderers will make it to heaven. Its an interesting read, something to think about. And if you have thoughts on this, find me on facebook or @mario64 on twitter.

In other news my mom just turned 50 and I'm bummed I can't be there with her but happy for her. She's a gem.

-ONWARD!

she called me family

A while ago I shared something deeply personal to someone I have known for a while an respect thoroughly. And its not something I will normally do, being a very reserved person but I was compelled to due to the nature of our relationship. Don't get excited.

I guess it bears mentioning that she, yes, she is also a christian and I have known her for years and today as I got the response to the email I sent it made me reflect a bit about what she said. Without going through everything she said, she basically called me family. Now i'm not an orphan or homeless or anything, I have a family and I love every one of my sisters, my brother and parents. But this other family is different. I won't say its something I send a lot of time trying to cultivate, maybe I do and just don't know it or won't admit it. In any case it is rather special.

This is one of the things I love about the community of people who believe in and follow Jesus. I've had this same experience in school being part of the VCF, meeting people for the first time, getting to know them and within weeks it feels like we've known each other for longer than in reality. Its very special but not unique. You can get this kind of feeling, in other organisations, other groups, basically get people together in one team to work on a goal and these things form because they spend a lot of time together. While its not unique in its occurrence, its unique in the depth of the bonds that are formed. When someone considers you as part of a 'christian family' its an affirmation that runs much deeper, the depths of which we may never discover.

Thank God for families.

-ONWARD!

its march

Its march and I've successfully gone through Matthew. Yay. A lot of insights and a lot of questions but in all it was good to go through it chunk by chunk.

A lot is said about God's love throughout the bible but the thing that I gleamed through the reading is the unrelenting nature of love. God's love for the people. When Corinthians says love never give up, the full extent of what that means is not necessarily appreciated from that simple statement. Love is patient. Love never give up.

The other day I was going through the notes on my phone and found this one "Christian love is a feeling, its an act of the will."

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

-ONWARD!

Right Attitude

Mom says to begin again when you fail. And never to get tired of beginning again. It sounds like a good idea but you only live it when you have had the chance to test it out and see the limits of your resolve.

I've been learning how to use my thoughts and words for my own good. Sometimes all you have is you to encourage you and you don't want to be against yourself. So in the face of a big batu (mountain/hill) think of ways of overcoming it and actually see yourself overcoming it. You may not always be successful but that's not the point. The point is to train yourself to think in this way consistently and increasingly or at least that's what I have learned.

Today in church among other things I learned the meaning of dedication and discipline. Pastor says discipline = boring because most of the time you're doing the same thing over and over but that's the only way to get better. And if you keep at it, someone will notice and lots of good things get to happen.

In hindsight I'm really grateful I have this blog to share all these stuff because I wouldn't get the chance or context to share in real life and it helps to document a bit of my life and process. Something for posterity if you like. Have a right attitude.

-ONWARD!

unfazed

The past few weeks have been really great. Since the last low point things have been looking up. I've learned to stand up for myself and just take more responsibility in my life. I'm reminded to stand+fight and not just accept, excuse my language, crap. 

The journey from where I am now to where I want to be is probably long but its one I want to take. I recognise that it may not make sense, I recognise that it may not be acceptable, or may take longer than most people are comfortable with but I've settled in my heart to keep walking.

This morning I got a call that ordinarily would have made my day a whole lot worse but it didn't. I also got a call this morning that always brightens my face.

There are a thousand questions I don't want to answer right now and frankly the best thing anyone can do is just stand by me or get out of my way. I'm not angry just determined.

-ONWARD!

devotions are great [updated]

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Some children don't need so many people, other may require two.

I was thinking the other day how so many people have come into my life and have just been stellar. I have been blessed so much by them just being there and living their life and I wonder if I have been any good to any of them. And I was thinking of something I can do to show some appreciation and have not come up with anything yet but I think its something worth doing. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are the best and I like them to know that. I really hope this is not one of those good intention things that never see the light of day because that would be really sad.

On something totally random, working with people on something non-trivial is really hard. It really turns me to another person. I haven't figured out if its a good change or not. I certainly am not the reserved, 'anything la' person in this mode. Anyway its good to learn new things.

Still going through Matthew, so far so good. By the way devotions are great. Every day is different. Some days are just wow, other are hmm, and sometimes nothing makes sense and you have to trust that it will make sense at some point or never. It doesn't matter. Someone said 'if you put it in you, (talking about the words of God) God will bring it out of you' or something like that. So yeah. One thing I started doing is reading through and trying to understand the event through Jesus' eyes, from his perspective. It really is different.

[Update]
I found this quote from the desiring God blog and thought I should share. The post is an encouragement to continue reading the bible.

Do not think you are getting no good from the Bible, merely because you do not see that good day by day. The greatest effects are by no means those which make the most noise, and are most easily observed. The greatest effects are often silent, quiet, and hard to detect at the time they are being produced.
Think of the influence of the moon upon the earth, and of the air upon the human lungs. Remember how silently the dew falls, and how imperceptibly the grass grows. There may be far more doing than you think in your soul by your Bible-reading (J. C. Ryle, Practical Religion, 136)

-ONWARD!

lets try this again.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take your own advice.
Sometimes you give so much and wonder who's going to give you back.
Sometimes we say things that we're not suppose to, that we don't really mean.
Sometimes all it takes is the right conversation to change how you think, how you see things.
Sometimes you have to change what you're doing to get a different outcome.

January is gone, February is here. There's still time to do right. Let's try this again.

p.s. thank God for family. And friend.
-ONWARD!

even a little bit counts

Yesterday's post was a downer but its okay. I was reading Matthew again and something I've not considered before occurred to me. Jesus performed many miracles. He healed the man with leprosy after he asked, He healed the Roman officer's servant, the woman with the issue of blood, and then the daughter of the head of the synagogue, I call him Sid.

In most of the cases these people came to Him and asked that he heal them. Except for the woman (I don't have a name for her). And the thing that I realised was that they all had different levels of faith. Some was very incredible, like the Roman Officer, he said just say the word here and my servant will be healed and that is really amazing. To think that this man was not even a Jew. I have no idea if he believed in Jesus but he had a very logical reason for trusting that Jesus' words had power.

Then there's Sid who interrupts Jesus to tell him his daughter is dead, and asked that he lay his hands on her so she will come back to life. I don't know if it was common at the time for people to die and come back to life but he must really be either desperate to believe anything or really have faith in Jesus. I mean death is a big deal.

And then there's the woman who just determined that all it will take for her to be finally free from her predicament was a touch on the fringes of Jesus' clothes. Why she would think that is beyond me but she got her healing. Sid needed Jesus to be physically present and to touch his daughter. It's so incredible that these things happened because people just had a simple premise for believing and in some cases, acted on it. That is very reassuring.

That being said there are cases where even though we have all the faith in the word and act all we want nothing happens. That is not a reason to disprove the fact that it is possible. I mean you can't say because I followed this formula and it didn't work for me its bogus. I'm sure there are reasons these edge cases exist but still, simple premise, faith in Jesus and some action in the direction of faith is always a helpful way to go.

I was really encouraged this morning.

-ONWARD!

oh whats the use

Some of the times when I write stuff here I'm aware that people, though very few, read it and that awareness influences what I can say. The ideal situation would be to write ignoring the fact that people see it but that's hard to do. What I want is not to write for an audience. Quite frankly I don't care if anyone sees anything I write. That's not the motivation. That is why I don't make the existence of this little site public. If you found it somehow good. And I'm not going to make it private because I don't see the point in doing that.

I like to be as real as possible when I'm on here but there are things I just can't write here or anywhere else and I don't think that will ever change given the type of person I am.

Its been a hard couple of years and I've been really looking forward to a change of season but like I tweeted earlier today, it seems like when you finally hit the ground, you find out there's the basement. This morning I was thinking about how there's never really one and only one way to do things. It seems like there's a lot of confusion. In my mind there's all these...I guess the way I can best describe it is as an undirected tree where there are several possible ways of getting from one node to the other and in which only one is the correct path and no one knows it but there are lots of people who pretend like they know but they just want someone along with them in their chosen path which is not necessarily the correct one, and even though it was they wouldn't know any way. Its that confusing but I'm surprised how well I was able to describe that.

Despite everything I try to keep a brave face and carry on because I don't like dwelling on negative things. Its very...erm negative. I'm more worried about how it affects other people than myself. I can take care of myself very well. At least as well as I know how but what I cannot control is how these things affect people and it bothers me. At this point I'm wondering what comes after the basement you know? I have the picture of gandalf falling down with the balrog I guess that cave is deeper than a basement. There's only so much a person can take and in the midst of all these I ask myself, whats the point of it all? I feel like a puppet you know.

The other day we had a really good Saturday service and got to spend a little more time just praying and my heart was really overwhelmed and most of the time that night I was complaining and you know what came time my mind? (I'm careful not to say God spoke to me) 'its not about you'. I felt very helpless after that, and the worst part is that its true. It really is not about me. Who am I anyway? I just a speck of dust in the grande scheme of things. But how am I suppose to give you glory like this? I really want to do the David thing where he talked to God with all his emotion but I don't dare. I'm like that father who said, help my unbelief. And this is part of what I'm saying. When do I come to God as Father and when do I come to God as King? Always? Never? Once in while? Its not clear.

So I'm holding out to see how far the rabbit hole goes. At this point nothing surprises me anymore. Everything that has been will be and nothing is new on the earth.

-ONWARD!

a different lifestyle

The sound of fireworks, gongs blazing, lion dance, traffic jam, long queues at the mall only mean one thing. Chinese New Year is here again. This is by far the most celebrated festive season. Yes bigger than christmas, at least in Malaysia.

I have mixed feelings this time of year for obvious reasons but I love it all the same. its nice to see everyone back and there's the visiting and the fellowship, its great.

This year I decided to take my devotions a bit more serious and its been great so far. Lets see how long I last. But today reading through Matthew again and seeing how Jesus deals with our motives for the things we do made me consider how I have done things until now. And then there's the talk of reward for praying and giving. Is there one for motivation or is it just for knowledge. Should I do something because I know there's a reward? I was thinking about this and what came to mind is the board game risk. In the game if you do not conquer at least one territory in your turn you don't get a card for re-enforcements. So sometimes it may not be beneficial to attack and nearby territory but just because you want the card to re-enforce later in the game you do it anyway. So should our prayers and giving be because we want the rewards? And interestingly Jesus does not mention what they are. Motives.

This whole thing made me think about the difference in the lifestyle of people who love God. We pray before our meals not because we can't eat otherwise but because we want to be grateful to God who provides. And we recognize that what we have is a gift from God. Its a powerful expression of faith and belief. Of course this is just one example and a very simple one at that but really if it can become a habit to fully embrace this kind of lifestyle and truly be different, that's a very powerful thing.

As is usually the case, I didn't intend writing so much but I guess I've been thinking about these things for a while and they just jumped out there. Happy year of the dragon to all celebrating.

-ONWARD!

surrender and act

Wow look at that its 2012 already. This year is really racing ahead. Its already the 12th. Chinese New Year is in 2 weeks time and after that its decisions time. I thank God for some answered prayers but still really learning to trust and surrender and act.

-ONWARD!