Some of the times when I write stuff here I'm aware that people, though very few, read it and that awareness influences what I can say. The ideal situation would be to write ignoring the fact that people see it but that's hard to do. What I want is not to write for an audience. Quite frankly I don't care if anyone sees anything I write. That's not the motivation. That is why I don't make the existence of this little site public. If you found it somehow good. And I'm not going to make it private because I don't see the point in doing that.
I like to be as real as possible when I'm on here but there are things I just can't write here or anywhere else and I don't think that will ever change given the type of person I am.
Its been a hard couple of years and I've been really looking forward to a change of season but like I tweeted earlier today, it seems like when you finally hit the ground, you find out there's the basement. This morning I was thinking about how there's never really one and only one way to do things. It seems like there's a lot of confusion. In my mind there's all these...I guess the way I can best describe it is as an undirected tree where there are several possible ways of getting from one node to the other and in which only one is the correct path and no one knows it but there are lots of people who pretend like they know but they just want someone along with them in their chosen path which is not necessarily the correct one, and even though it was they wouldn't know any way. Its that confusing but I'm surprised how well I was able to describe that.
Despite everything I try to keep a brave face and carry on because I don't like dwelling on negative things. Its very...erm negative. I'm more worried about how it affects other people than myself. I can take care of myself very well. At least as well as I know how but what I cannot control is how these things affect people and it bothers me. At this point I'm wondering what comes after the basement you know? I have the picture of gandalf falling down with the balrog I guess that cave is deeper than a basement. There's only so much a person can take and in the midst of all these I ask myself, whats the point of it all? I feel like a puppet you know.
The other day we had a really good Saturday service and got to spend a little more time just praying and my heart was really overwhelmed and most of the time that night I was complaining and you know what came time my mind? (I'm careful not to say God spoke to me) 'its not about you'. I felt very helpless after that, and the worst part is that its true. It really is not about me. Who am I anyway? I just a speck of dust in the grande scheme of things. But how am I suppose to give you glory like this? I really want to do the David thing where he talked to God with all his emotion but I don't dare. I'm like that father who said, help my unbelief. And this is part of what I'm saying. When do I come to God as Father and when do I come to God as King? Always? Never? Once in while? Its not clear.
So I'm holding out to see how far the rabbit hole goes. At this point nothing surprises me anymore. Everything that has been will be and nothing is new on the earth.
-ONWARD!