The past few weeks have been really great. Since the last low point things have been looking up. I've learned to stand up for myself and just take more responsibility in my life. I'm reminded to stand+fight and not just accept, excuse my language, crap.
The journey from where I am now to where I want to be is probably long but its one I want to take. I recognise that it may not make sense, I recognise that it may not be acceptable, or may take longer than most people are comfortable with but I've settled in my heart to keep walking.
This morning I got a call that ordinarily would have made my day a whole lot worse but it didn't. I also got a call this morning that always brightens my face.
There are a thousand questions I don't want to answer right now and frankly the best thing anyone can do is just stand by me or get out of my way. I'm not angry just determined.
-ONWARD!
Friday, February 17, 2012
devotions are great [updated]
They say it takes a village to raise a child. Some children don't need so many people, other may require two.
I was thinking the other day how so many people have come into my life and have just been stellar. I have been blessed so much by them just being there and living their life and I wonder if I have been any good to any of them. And I was thinking of something I can do to show some appreciation and have not come up with anything yet but I think its something worth doing. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are the best and I like them to know that. I really hope this is not one of those good intention things that never see the light of day because that would be really sad.
On something totally random, working with people on something non-trivial is really hard. It really turns me to another person. I haven't figured out if its a good change or not. I certainly am not the reserved, 'anything la' person in this mode. Anyway its good to learn new things.
Still going through Matthew, so far so good. By the way devotions are great. Every day is different. Some days are just wow, other are hmm, and sometimes nothing makes sense and you have to trust that it will make sense at some point or never. It doesn't matter. Someone said 'if you put it in you, (talking about the words of God) God will bring it out of you' or something like that. So yeah. One thing I started doing is reading through and trying to understand the event through Jesus' eyes, from his perspective. It really is different.
[Update]
I found this quote from the desiring God blog and thought I should share. The post is an encouragement to continue reading the bible.
I was thinking the other day how so many people have come into my life and have just been stellar. I have been blessed so much by them just being there and living their life and I wonder if I have been any good to any of them. And I was thinking of something I can do to show some appreciation and have not come up with anything yet but I think its something worth doing. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have are the best and I like them to know that. I really hope this is not one of those good intention things that never see the light of day because that would be really sad.
On something totally random, working with people on something non-trivial is really hard. It really turns me to another person. I haven't figured out if its a good change or not. I certainly am not the reserved, 'anything la' person in this mode. Anyway its good to learn new things.
Still going through Matthew, so far so good. By the way devotions are great. Every day is different. Some days are just wow, other are hmm, and sometimes nothing makes sense and you have to trust that it will make sense at some point or never. It doesn't matter. Someone said 'if you put it in you, (talking about the words of God) God will bring it out of you' or something like that. So yeah. One thing I started doing is reading through and trying to understand the event through Jesus' eyes, from his perspective. It really is different.
[Update]
I found this quote from the desiring God blog and thought I should share. The post is an encouragement to continue reading the bible.
Do not think you are getting no good from the Bible, merely because you do not see that good day by day. The greatest effects are by no means those which make the most noise, and are most easily observed. The greatest effects are often silent, quiet, and hard to detect at the time they are being produced.-ONWARD!
Think of the influence of the moon upon the earth, and of the air upon the human lungs. Remember how silently the dew falls, and how imperceptibly the grass grows. There may be far more doing than you think in your soul by your Bible-reading (J. C. Ryle, Practical Religion, 136)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
lets try this again.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is take your own advice.
Sometimes you give so much and wonder who's going to give you back.
Sometimes we say things that we're not suppose to, that we don't really mean.
Sometimes all it takes is the right conversation to change how you think, how you see things.
Sometimes you have to change what you're doing to get a different outcome.
January is gone, February is here. There's still time to do right. Let's try this again.
p.s. thank God for family. And friend.
-ONWARD!
Sometimes you give so much and wonder who's going to give you back.
Sometimes we say things that we're not suppose to, that we don't really mean.
Sometimes all it takes is the right conversation to change how you think, how you see things.
Sometimes you have to change what you're doing to get a different outcome.
January is gone, February is here. There's still time to do right. Let's try this again.
p.s. thank God for family. And friend.
-ONWARD!
Thursday, February 02, 2012
even a little bit counts
Yesterday's post was a downer but its okay. I was reading Matthew again and something I've not considered before occurred to me. Jesus performed many miracles. He healed the man with leprosy after he asked, He healed the Roman officer's servant, the woman with the issue of blood, and then the daughter of the head of the synagogue, I call him Sid.
In most of the cases these people came to Him and asked that he heal them. Except for the woman (I don't have a name for her). And the thing that I realised was that they all had different levels of faith. Some was very incredible, like the Roman Officer, he said just say the word here and my servant will be healed and that is really amazing. To think that this man was not even a Jew. I have no idea if he believed in Jesus but he had a very logical reason for trusting that Jesus' words had power.
Then there's Sid who interrupts Jesus to tell him his daughter is dead, and asked that he lay his hands on her so she will come back to life. I don't know if it was common at the time for people to die and come back to life but he must really be either desperate to believe anything or really have faith in Jesus. I mean death is a big deal.
And then there's the woman who just determined that all it will take for her to be finally free from her predicament was a touch on the fringes of Jesus' clothes. Why she would think that is beyond me but she got her healing. Sid needed Jesus to be physically present and to touch his daughter. It's so incredible that these things happened because people just had a simple premise for believing and in some cases, acted on it. That is very reassuring.
That being said there are cases where even though we have all the faith in the word and act all we want nothing happens. That is not a reason to disprove the fact that it is possible. I mean you can't say because I followed this formula and it didn't work for me its bogus. I'm sure there are reasons these edge cases exist but still, simple premise, faith in Jesus and some action in the direction of faith is always a helpful way to go.
I was really encouraged this morning.
-ONWARD!
In most of the cases these people came to Him and asked that he heal them. Except for the woman (I don't have a name for her). And the thing that I realised was that they all had different levels of faith. Some was very incredible, like the Roman Officer, he said just say the word here and my servant will be healed and that is really amazing. To think that this man was not even a Jew. I have no idea if he believed in Jesus but he had a very logical reason for trusting that Jesus' words had power.
Then there's Sid who interrupts Jesus to tell him his daughter is dead, and asked that he lay his hands on her so she will come back to life. I don't know if it was common at the time for people to die and come back to life but he must really be either desperate to believe anything or really have faith in Jesus. I mean death is a big deal.
And then there's the woman who just determined that all it will take for her to be finally free from her predicament was a touch on the fringes of Jesus' clothes. Why she would think that is beyond me but she got her healing. Sid needed Jesus to be physically present and to touch his daughter. It's so incredible that these things happened because people just had a simple premise for believing and in some cases, acted on it. That is very reassuring.
That being said there are cases where even though we have all the faith in the word and act all we want nothing happens. That is not a reason to disprove the fact that it is possible. I mean you can't say because I followed this formula and it didn't work for me its bogus. I'm sure there are reasons these edge cases exist but still, simple premise, faith in Jesus and some action in the direction of faith is always a helpful way to go.
I was really encouraged this morning.
-ONWARD!
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
oh whats the use
Some of the times when I write stuff here I'm aware that people, though very few, read it and that awareness influences what I can say. The ideal situation would be to write ignoring the fact that people see it but that's hard to do. What I want is not to write for an audience. Quite frankly I don't care if anyone sees anything I write. That's not the motivation. That is why I don't make the existence of this little site public. If you found it somehow good. And I'm not going to make it private because I don't see the point in doing that.
I like to be as real as possible when I'm on here but there are things I just can't write here or anywhere else and I don't think that will ever change given the type of person I am.
Its been a hard couple of years and I've been really looking forward to a change of season but like I tweeted earlier today, it seems like when you finally hit the ground, you find out there's the basement. This morning I was thinking about how there's never really one and only one way to do things. It seems like there's a lot of confusion. In my mind there's all these...I guess the way I can best describe it is as an undirected tree where there are several possible ways of getting from one node to the other and in which only one is the correct path and no one knows it but there are lots of people who pretend like they know but they just want someone along with them in their chosen path which is not necessarily the correct one, and even though it was they wouldn't know any way. Its that confusing but I'm surprised how well I was able to describe that.
Despite everything I try to keep a brave face and carry on because I don't like dwelling on negative things. Its very...erm negative. I'm more worried about how it affects other people than myself. I can take care of myself very well. At least as well as I know how but what I cannot control is how these things affect people and it bothers me. At this point I'm wondering what comes after the basement you know? I have the picture of gandalf falling down with the balrog I guess that cave is deeper than a basement. There's only so much a person can take and in the midst of all these I ask myself, whats the point of it all? I feel like a puppet you know.
The other day we had a really good Saturday service and got to spend a little more time just praying and my heart was really overwhelmed and most of the time that night I was complaining and you know what came time my mind? (I'm careful not to say God spoke to me) 'its not about you'. I felt very helpless after that, and the worst part is that its true. It really is not about me. Who am I anyway? I just a speck of dust in the grande scheme of things. But how am I suppose to give you glory like this? I really want to do the David thing where he talked to God with all his emotion but I don't dare. I'm like that father who said, help my unbelief. And this is part of what I'm saying. When do I come to God as Father and when do I come to God as King? Always? Never? Once in while? Its not clear.
So I'm holding out to see how far the rabbit hole goes. At this point nothing surprises me anymore. Everything that has been will be and nothing is new on the earth.
-ONWARD!
I like to be as real as possible when I'm on here but there are things I just can't write here or anywhere else and I don't think that will ever change given the type of person I am.
Its been a hard couple of years and I've been really looking forward to a change of season but like I tweeted earlier today, it seems like when you finally hit the ground, you find out there's the basement. This morning I was thinking about how there's never really one and only one way to do things. It seems like there's a lot of confusion. In my mind there's all these...I guess the way I can best describe it is as an undirected tree where there are several possible ways of getting from one node to the other and in which only one is the correct path and no one knows it but there are lots of people who pretend like they know but they just want someone along with them in their chosen path which is not necessarily the correct one, and even though it was they wouldn't know any way. Its that confusing but I'm surprised how well I was able to describe that.
Despite everything I try to keep a brave face and carry on because I don't like dwelling on negative things. Its very...erm negative. I'm more worried about how it affects other people than myself. I can take care of myself very well. At least as well as I know how but what I cannot control is how these things affect people and it bothers me. At this point I'm wondering what comes after the basement you know? I have the picture of gandalf falling down with the balrog I guess that cave is deeper than a basement. There's only so much a person can take and in the midst of all these I ask myself, whats the point of it all? I feel like a puppet you know.
The other day we had a really good Saturday service and got to spend a little more time just praying and my heart was really overwhelmed and most of the time that night I was complaining and you know what came time my mind? (I'm careful not to say God spoke to me) 'its not about you'. I felt very helpless after that, and the worst part is that its true. It really is not about me. Who am I anyway? I just a speck of dust in the grande scheme of things. But how am I suppose to give you glory like this? I really want to do the David thing where he talked to God with all his emotion but I don't dare. I'm like that father who said, help my unbelief. And this is part of what I'm saying. When do I come to God as Father and when do I come to God as King? Always? Never? Once in while? Its not clear.
So I'm holding out to see how far the rabbit hole goes. At this point nothing surprises me anymore. Everything that has been will be and nothing is new on the earth.
-ONWARD!
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