I don reach to marry

Last Sunday, after our home cell, one of the mothers there said, Nna, you don reach to marry o. I said, I know, I don even pass. Another said, put eye down; good girls dey our church. I laughed it up and, not jokingly, added it to the concluding prayers.

These days I have a habit of turning everything into a short instant prayer.

Before last Sunday, I was looking at some old email messages. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. Just as expected, it brought a wave of emotions back. I thought I was over them; apparently not.

I did notice that it was different this time. It was not painful, but it still hurt a bit.

We go through things to help us grow and mature. 

There's no way around maturing; you will have to make those life-defining mistakes and have those experiences that help guide you on the right path. They teach you what you want and what you don't want.

If I didn't care about who I want to be with I would have been married a long time ago. But because I care a lot and I overthink things, I'm here, 40+ and not yet married.

Sometimes it gets overwhelming thinking that I put off the idea altogether, I mean, what am I benefitting anyway? 

I can pretty much take care of myself, why do I need a wife? That's why I think sometimes. Then my rational mind kicks in with reasons why it's a good idea.

I don't know man.

-ONWARD!

Guted

Working here feels like juggling a hundred handgranades.

One mistake and boom.

I can't anymore. 

I can't keep this up.

-ONWARD!

I'm done

I just have to put this other here so it doesn't stay in my heart.

I am grateful for the opportunity. I'm grateful for all the learning experiences. I will forever be grateful for the love and care. I'm serious! Nothing will ever change this fact. It remains forever.

It has been over 10 years.
For me, that's a very long time.
I never expected to stay this long.

I went in with the understanding that I won't be here this long. So, I feel like it's time.

I want more from my life and I don't see a future here.
I want other things.
I want better things.
I want better opportunities for growth and personal advancement.
I want more freedom and control over my time and projects.

I hate office politics. It sucks, it's ugly, it's disgusting.
I hate leaders who can't follow the rules they laid down.
I hate being stuck.
I cannot be measured.

What's the way forward.

I'm getting out one way or the other.
I'm done.

-ONWARD!

Who am I?

I know who I am. 

I am a complex combination of experiences, skills, behaviours and idiosyncrasies that complement and contradict each other, all at the same time. I exist in this form in real life and that's perfectly fine. That's what it means to be a human being - you are seldom one thing, but a combination of many, many things. This is perfectly fine in real life, but as soon as you come online, suddenly it's no longer fine. One cannot simply exist like this online.

Social media platform algorithms require you to be one thing. Just one. When you show up as your real self, you confuse the algorithm, and it protests by hiding you and your content. You also confuse people who accidentally find you. They're so used to the algorithm, so plugged in, that they simply cannot accept a multipotentialite expressing themselves in full spectrum.

You have to look deep into your heart and think about the one thing you want to amplify out of the cocktail of potentials inside of you, fighting for expression, and show up as just one thing.

I find it maddening and extremely difficult to choose just one. Do I show up as a Graphic Designer? As a Creative Director? As an Illustrator? Canva, Photoshop, Affinity, CorelDRAW? And that's just design. There's book-keeping, administration, video editing, content writing, SEO. I could show up as any one of these, and in real life, it's fine but online, it's not.

"The solution is easy", you say, "just pick one". And herein lies the dilemma: which one? 

And why in God's earth do I have to pick at all? I don't want to! And now I'm getting upset. Who designed this system anyway? Why do we put up with it?

I have a hard time choosing, and it makes me sad. I feel like when I choose one thing, the rest dies. I don't want to kill my dreams or suppress my curious mind.

-ONWARD!

God does not speak words

We just finished our morning devotion at work and someone had started praying when I heard these words in my mind.

God does not speak words, He speaks reality.

When God speaks, he's not giving you information, he's revealing reality.
Two examples: 
When God spoke in Genesis, in the midst of chaos and darkness, let there be light, what happened? Light appeared. There was the reality of light.
When he spoke, he didn't express his desire, he revealed the reality.

Secondly, when the angel appeared to Gideon and called him, a mighty man of valor, he was not hyping him or trying to make him feel bigger than he is. He was revealing to him the reality of his life. Gideon was a mighty man of valor but even he didn't know. There was nothing in his experience that gave him a clue or pointed him to that possibility. It didn't seem real but it eventually became a reality.

For Gideon, there was a process. He was given specific instructions to follow and as he obeyed and carried them out, it lead to the realisation of the word spoken to him.

If God says you are blessed, he's not hyping you to make you feel good. He is speaking the reality of your life and you better believe it. But like Gideon, there are often processes we must follow, step by step instructions to obey to bring us the realisation of that word.

When we begin to see God's words not as mere words but as reality, it changes and frames our perception. We begin to take his words seriously and our obedience is primed because we want to experience the realisation of his word in our lives.

-ONWARD!