Clearing things up

After the previous post, I feel the need to clear things up.

In that post, I shared something that happened decades ago. I just felt like getting it off my chest. The reason I shared it was in response to a post I saw on Facebook about someone walking away from their faith because of church hurts and personal pain in life.

 A lot of time has passed since the events I wrote of. I have moved on. I'm in a much better place now.

I don't have any ill feelings anymore. Thank God. But it took a long time to get here.

One thing I value in life is having a clear conscience. I pray for forgiveness for the wrongs of the past and ask God for grace to do better today.

Thought to clear that up. 

-ONWARD!

The time I turned my back on God

I recently got to Miri to begin my degree in Computer Science at Curtin University. Everything was new. I didn't know anyone except Joanna and Kimberly, oh and Gia and Dianne. But Miri was not Kuching; there was no Bethany, and the people I knew lived far away. 

I went for my medical at Columbia Asia and got the call. 

We had been having issues; I blame myself for the problems we had. I was young; what did I know about women? And it showed. I got the call, and the long and short of it was this statement: let go and let God. It was over. My relationship of 2.5 years ended with those words.

I didn't want to let go, not yet.  I wanted to cling to something, anything. Anything is better than nothing. I was cut in the heart. I couldn't believe it. I said things I was not proud of. My world came crashing down. It was downhill from there.

Classes started but I was not interested. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I dragged myself out of my room and showed up in class. My body was there but my mind and everything else was absence. I was numb, I felt nothing but the pain of heartbreak and later betrayal. 

My neighbor at the Hostel, Samson, invited me to church. He went to Calvary. I reluctantly followed him because he was also from Kuching. I'm convinced that Samson was sent to me at that time. He was also going through some relationship stuff, so he was a source of strength and encouragement to me.

I went to church but I was not feeling it. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at God, after a while, I stopped going. What's the point? The past kept replaying in my mind. I kept going over every detail. What did I do? What have I done? Can I fix it? What can I do differently? It was a dark, confusing time.

I can't say exactly how I came out of it but I knew I couldn't continue like this. 

One weekend, I went to Boulevard Supermarket and went to Salvation Bookshop to look at books. I love reading. For me, reading is an escape and a source of nourishment to my curious mind. 

A bright yellow book caught my attention. Take hold of God and Pull, with a drawing of two people in a struggle. I don't know why I was attracted to it but I bought it and read it every day like a devotional.

I believe the words of that book helped jolt me out of the doldrums of despair and helped me see the light that God was already shining on me.

For the first time I started to see the people God had placed around me in my time of need. I was alone in a new city but I was not alone. I had Samson who always encouraged me in the things of God. I would always visit him and talk about how I felt and he would also share about his struggles. It helped a lot. I also had the VCF folks who accepted me with open arms. I remember Joshua would drive us from Senadin to Jinwood in town to go eat good food - chicken chop, lamb chop; better food than what was available in Senadin where we lived. It was a good escape; I loved their company. Being in their presence helped me heal.

I found a new family in Miri - In VCF, in Calvary, in EYN. 

It wasn't overnight, but bit by bit, day by day, slowly, I got out of that pit and moved on.

It was at this point my eyes became clear and I remembered the warnings in the beginning. Some said, " You're too young", "seek God first", and more.

I didn't understand: why are they trying to stop me? I love her, and she loved me; what's the big deal? I'm not the only one in a relationship. 

But they were right.  I was way too young. I needed to seek God first. I needed to grow up a little and be mature. 

I turned my back on God. I turned my heart away from him but he reached out and brought me back. He wanted me. He didn't want me to go. He restored me in the time I was not seeking him anymore. He restored me and is restoring me.

--

I have not shared this part in detail before but I am sharing it now because it might help someone.

We don't know what God will use our 'failures' to accomplish. We must at all times trust him and know that he who can draw out light out of darkness can also bring something good out of a terrible mess. He is good. God is good.

-ONWARD!

I don reach to marry

Last Sunday, after our home cell, one of the mothers there said, Nna, you don reach to marry o. I said, I know, I don even pass. Another said, put eye down; good girls dey our church. I laughed it up and, not jokingly, added it to the concluding prayers.

These days I have a habit of turning everything into a short instant prayer.

Before last Sunday, I was looking at some old email messages. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway. Just as expected, it brought a wave of emotions back. I thought I was over them; apparently not.

I did notice that it was different this time. It was not painful, but it still hurt a bit.

We go through things to help us grow and mature. 

There's no way around maturing; you will have to make those life-defining mistakes and have those experiences that help guide you on the right path. They teach you what you want and what you don't want.

If I didn't care about who I want to be with I would have been married a long time ago. But because I care a lot and I overthink things, I'm here, 40+ and not yet married.

Sometimes it gets overwhelming thinking that I put off the idea altogether, I mean, what am I benefitting anyway? 

I can pretty much take care of myself, why do I need a wife? That's why I think sometimes. Then my rational mind kicks in with reasons why it's a good idea.

I don't know man.

-ONWARD!

Guted

Working here feels like juggling a hundred handgranades.

One mistake and boom.

I can't anymore. 

I can't keep this up.

-ONWARD!

I'm done

I just have to put this other here so it doesn't stay in my heart.

I am grateful for the opportunity. I'm grateful for all the learning experiences. I will forever be grateful for the love and care. I'm serious! Nothing will ever change this fact. It remains forever.

It has been over 10 years.
For me, that's a very long time.
I never expected to stay this long.

I went in with the understanding that I won't be here this long. So, I feel like it's time.

I want more from my life and I don't see a future here.
I want other things.
I want better things.
I want better opportunities for growth and personal advancement.
I want more freedom and control over my time and projects.

I hate office politics. It sucks, it's ugly, it's disgusting.
I hate leaders who can't follow the rules they laid down.
I hate being stuck.
I cannot be measured.

What's the way forward.

I'm getting out one way or the other.
I'm done.

-ONWARD!