I recently got to Miri to begin my degree in Computer Science at Curtin University. Everything was new. I didn't know anyone except Joanna and Kimberly, oh and Gia and Dianne. But Miri was not Kuching; there was no Bethany, and the people I knew lived far away.
I went for my medical at Columbia Asia and got the call.
We had been having issues; I blame myself for the problems we had. I was young; what did I know about women? And it showed. I got the call, and the long and short of it was this statement: let go and let God. It was over. My relationship of 2.5 years ended with those words.
I didn't want to let go, not yet. I wanted to cling to something, anything. Anything is better than nothing. I was cut in the heart. I couldn't believe it. I said things I was not proud of. My world came crashing down. It was downhill from there.
Classes started but I was not interested. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I dragged myself out of my room and showed up in class. My body was there but my mind and everything else was absence. I was numb, I felt nothing but the pain of heartbreak and later betrayal.
My neighbor at the Hostel, Samson, invited me to church. He went to Calvary. I reluctantly followed him because he was also from Kuching. I'm convinced that Samson was sent to me at that time. He was also going through some relationship stuff, so he was a source of strength and encouragement to me.
I went to church but I was not feeling it. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at God, after a while, I stopped going. What's the point? The past kept replaying in my mind. I kept going over every detail. What did I do? What have I done? Can I fix it? What can I do differently? It was a dark, confusing time.
I can't say exactly how I came out of it but I knew I couldn't continue like this.
One weekend, I went to Boulevard Supermarket and went to Salvation Bookshop to look at books. I love reading. For me, reading is an escape and a source of nourishment to my curious mind.
A bright yellow book caught my attention. Take hold of God and Pull, with a drawing of two people in a struggle. I don't know why I was attracted to it but I bought it and read it every day like a devotional.
I believe the words of that book helped jolt me out of the doldrums of despair and helped me see the light that God was already shining on me.
For the first time I started to see the people God had placed around me in my time of need. I was alone in a new city but I was not alone. I had Samson who always encouraged me in the things of God. I would always visit him and talk about how I felt and he would also share about his struggles. It helped a lot. I also had the VCF folks who accepted me with open arms. I remember Joshua would drive us from Senadin to Jinwood in town to go eat good food - chicken chop, lamb chop; better food than what was available in Senadin where we lived. It was a good escape; I loved their company. Being in their presence helped me heal.
I found a new family in Miri - In VCF, in Calvary, in EYN.
It wasn't overnight, but bit by bit, day by day, slowly, I got out of that pit and moved on.
It was at this point my eyes became clear and I remembered the warnings in the beginning. Some said, " You're too young", "seek God first", and more.
I didn't understand: why are they trying to stop me? I love her, and she loved me; what's the big deal? I'm not the only one in a relationship.
But they were right. I was way too young. I needed to seek God first. I needed to grow up a little and be mature.
I turned my back on God. I turned my heart away from him but he reached out and brought me back. He wanted me. He didn't want me to go. He restored me in the time I was not seeking him anymore. He restored me and is restoring me.
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I have not shared this part in detail before but I am sharing it now because it might help someone.
We don't know what God will use our 'failures' to accomplish. We must at all times trust him and know that he who can draw out light out of darkness can also bring something good out of a terrible mess. He is good. God is good.