Thoughts of an almost 40 year old

I'm at the office, its almost two in the afternoon. It's a slow day. My boss is not in the office today, she usually takes Fridays off. I'm listening to Bossa Nova music on one of the millions of tabs on this Brave browser. It rained for a bit just now, the roof still has the sound of dropping water. It's quite cool, the fans are not on, but there's a nice gentle draft in the office.

Since my last birthday, I've been thinking a lot about the next one. Next year I turn 40. Four decades of life. Can you believe it? It's wild. 

I've been thinking about how I lived the first forty years of my life, the decisions I made and how they turned out, what I can do differently going forward. 

Usually people mark this milestone with big parties and photoshoots and more but it's really not my thing. However I feel like it should be marked in some way but thinking right here I can't think about what to do. I like cake so maybe a small thing that involves a cake? Beyond the festivities, there are more serious decisions to make. For example, why I'm not yet married. Is it really that I can't find a mate or is it money? What is it? What can I change? Deep down do I really want to get married or do I really want to make money?

People say you don't need money to get married and they give examples, some even of themselves, how they got married with little money. I don't doubt their experience but if I'm honest, I don't buy it. There's a reason why next to infidelity, money is the main reason marriages break up. I'd rather stay as I am than become a statistic. C'est la vie.

I've also been thinking about my job. I thank God for the job I have, it has been a training opportunity to develop my character and skills. I also like that I get to do things for God as part of my job. As time has passed, I've noticed a kind of ceiling, a creative and financial ceiling I can no longer ignore. In response I've been taking courses to gain more skill and improve myself. I've gotten into marketing and copywriting and find that it's something I enjoy doing. It's something I'm pursuing seriously to see how far I can go. Like most people I desire financial freedom and more flexibility with work. I want to work from Nigeria for international businesses and earn in US Dollars. I want to work on my terms and at my pace, and I definitely want to exit this rat race.

So that's love and money. The next thing is faith. 
While I'm come quite far in my faith, I see there's a lot more to do and know about what I believe. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am spiritually, with my relationship with God and the expression of my faith. Yes, I go to church, yes I teach in a small group, yes I serve in Church but personally, there are depths in God I've not explored. I've been playing it safe in the shallow part. 
What does a fully spiritual me look like? How do I get there?
I know how, and there is desire but I probably lack the will to put in the work.
Sometime I wonder if I sat down with Jesus and had a heart to heart talk and he honestly told me what he really thinks of me, if I would be proud to hear what he has to say. I think he would rebuke me in the most gentle way, just like Peter. (Do you love me more than these?)

One thing I am sure of is that I really want to be present for my family. I have six nieces that mean the world to me, and I want to be there for them. I want to be present for my sisters and brother. I want to be there for my parents. Nothing matters quite as much as my family at this time. They are my why, they are the motivation for any change I'm considering.

Until next time.

-ONWARD!

500 Miles From Home

Lord I'm one, Lord I'm two, Lord I'm three, Lord I'm four,
Lord I'm 500 miles from my home.
500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles
Lord I'm five hundred miles from my home.

- 500 Miles - Peter, Paul & Mary

I love this song. I found a cover by Yanamoto Junko and it's the best rendition in my opinion. 

I've been struggling with, I'm not sure what it is. I've had depression in the past but this is different. I feel like the lyrics of this song, like I'm quite far away from home. Home is not a place where I live, it's where I belong. I'm far from the place where I belong, where I am complete, put together, coherent, alive.

I don't really understand, that's probably why I'm writing this, to get it all out and make some sense of what this...okay so I need a name for it. I'm broken. Brokenness. That's it. This is a more fitting song.

… I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
Broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

… I'm not alright, I'm not alright, I'm not alright, that's why I need you

 

- Broken Inside by Sanctus Real

The king and his men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again.

I feel like there's no life inside, like my light is dim or out. Work is exhausting, and borderless. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is continue working. For me there's a clear boundary between work and home. I don't even think about work stuff, I don't plan anything, it's a different zone, a different environment. I finally get to have time to myself to do the things that matter to me, but no.  I still get calls, zoom meetings, whatsApp, there's really no escape. And for what? What do I get for all this? I can't think of anything.

 

The only thing that gives me joy are my nieces and of course family and watching TV series and Anime on my phone.

I seriously need a change. I can't go on like this. Help me. Put me back together again. Give me back joy.

-ONWARD!

100 things

1. Time spent waiting is not always time wasted.
2. Be happy for the happy things in the lives of others. Don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself.
3. Find something that makes you happy and do that.
4. Delay is not denial.
5. First to start does not mean first to finish.
6. Be hopeful in all things. Don't ever lose that.
7. Do whatever it takes to live at peace with yourself.
8. Don't be proud. And watch out for pride in your life. Sometimes it's very subtle.
9. Be content with little but dream big.
10. Learn to live with little or much.
11. Make big plans.
12. Don't let disappointments stop you from doing something you've always wanted.
13. Love with all your heart.
14. Live with few regrets.
15. Live in the present.
16. In every break up, it's not any one person's fault. It never is.
17. Learn to heal from break ups.
18. Face your problems or they'll keep coming.
19. Fear God.
20. Be afraid of the man or woman who doesn't believe in anything.
21. Stand up for yourself.
22. Be nice but don't be too nice.
23. Play an instrument.
24. Think for yourself. Don't just follow others.
25. There's never a good reason to be unkind.
26. Forgive quickly.
27. Hold no grudges.
28. Try something new once in a while.
29. Travel.
30. Have good friends.
31. Read books. The bible is a great book.
32. Don't take your family for granted. They're all you've got.
33. Honour your parents.
34. Don't be greedy. It's disgusting.
35. Take care of your body. Don't wait until you're sick or old.
36. Resist the pressure to quit. In your lowest moments, those small victories will count.
37. Don't smoke.
38. Live for something.
39. Learn to communicate. It's the same as talking.
40. Learn another language.
41. Learn to cook. 
42. Play sports.
43. Don't live in debt.
44. Remember people's names.
45. Finish what you start.
46. Keep a journal. 
47. Be willing to change.
48. Learn to swim. About 70 per cent of the earth is water.
49. In an argument, be the first to apologize.
50. Call your mom.
51. Make time to be still and quiet.
52. Don't compare yourself with others. You're one of a kind.
53. Don't waste food.
54. Think good thoughts. You are what you think.
55. Don't give up on people.
56. Don't take advantage of people. It's cruel.
57. Learn a few clean jokes.
58. Give thanks for your food.
59. At least once a year, take time out to look back at your life.
60. Learn from people's mistakes.
61. Stand against injustice every where you see it.
62. Be careful with money.
63. Practice moderation in all things.
64. Don't let yourself fall into depression. Fight it, it's not fun.
65. Learn to listen.
66. Don't be a slave to technology. It's there for your convenience. 
67. Don't live above your means.
68. Learn to appreciate different cultures and traditions while staying true to yours.
69. Everyone is important but no one is indispensable.
70. You have to be okay with people coming into your life and some leaving.
71. You can't please everyone, so don't even try.
72. Say what you mean and mean it.
73. Learn to say no.
74. There's a quote for everything. Don't believe everything you read.
75. Be aware of the world around you.
76. Don't isolate yourself.
77. Regardless of your current temperament, remember that they are not fixed.
78. Be the best you can be.
79. Don't over-think things. Think simple.
80. Never respond in anger. Words are powerful.
81. Listen to that inner voice, especially when you find you always regret it when you don't.
82. Be a good friend.
83. Once in a while, take a leap of faith.
84. Believe in yourself. Sometimes you're your only fan.
85. Do the right thing, even if it means standing alone.
86. Say thank you a lot.
87. Practice empathy.
88. Always count on God.
89. Remember the good times, learn from the bad times.
90. Volunteer.
91. Laugh from the heart.
92. Be teachable.
93. Never give up on your dreams.
94. Don't count yourself out.
95. Believe in miracles.
96. Be a good leader. 
97. Be a good follower.
98. It's ok to dream, just remember to wake up.
99. Time flies, live with no regrets.
100. Let go.

Felt I needed to write these.

-ONWARD!

let it die

I've been very restless lately, I don't know what to make of it. Something is disturbing my peace and I don't know what it is. Of course there's the usual things we all worry about and it has always been there but never really made me restless before.

The other day I was talking to a rather close friend and we shared a few life stories and I realise how un-different we all generally are. We all go through some of the same stuff and somehow we make it through all the nonsense. Some of us get to look back with gratitude at those impossible moments, others are not so lucky. Still life is good.

I was preparing for a skit for vcf and prepared to do something on the life of Noah. Most people know the story and the lesson behind the story but for me it was very refreshing reading through the life of another human being of whom God praised as the only man doing what was right in the whole world at the time. Think about it. One man in the whole world. Scary isn't it.

Last night I was listening to the book of Job. A great way I've discovered to read the bible is by listening. Bible gateway has audio bibles and you can choose who you want to read the word even though the selection is very limited but you can. And there's a variety of translations to pick from. Job again was another awesome man who God praised in front of the angels and even the devil when he basically came to God's presence uninvited. It was very... can't find the word how God had so much faith in Job. I guess you can say of course he knows everything but still its great to see.

On Sunday I was again reminded how God sees what we can become, and not what we are now. Pastor Hii shared about how when Jesus was born, he had gold, myrrh and frankincense instead of legos and squeaky toys because those men recognised he was not just a baby but a king and their gifts reflected that.

While there's optimism for tomorrow, we still have today to deal with and today doesn't look very optimistic. Sometimes I wish we can just skip and get to the good parts but sadly it doesn't happen that way. Today is messy and today sucks but we have to make the most of today so that we can get to tomorrow where its better. Or at least that's the hope.

Steve Jobs died the other day and one thing I learned from his life is that his work reflected his life. No one can separate the man from apple. Got me thinking, and I realise we are all like that.

Funny I started this post not knowing what to write. Exciting times ahead. This is it. To quote steve, "Death is the best invention of life" or something like that. So don't be afraid to let go. If something really needs to die, let it and let new life spring forth.

-ONWARD!

somethings never change

With the advancement of technology and the changes we perceive, its good to know, no reassuring that somethings never change.


-ONWARD

whats really important

So i've been thinking. This blog has been a lot of things and in the future i hope it won't be a lot of things but have a focus. I still don't know what it is yet, still thinking what i want to do with it.

Things have been rather chaotic for me. Its important that i have peace on the inside for me to function properly and there's not been a whole lot of those lately. Its been rather messy.

Ever ask yourself the question "whats really important"? Pray for me.

-ONWARD

myDay

Oh yeah and i ripped off the windows vista logo off my computer. It was gathering dirt around the edges.
-ONWARD

the lizard and the toilet bowl

I call this YARP (Yet Another Random Post).

Was shocked to find a lizard inside the toilet this morning. Don't ask me how it got there but it made any activity that required sitting on the toilet seat awkward. Was there this morning and stayed there until evening when i got back and my housemate needed to do something awkward and who does he call?

We tried flushing the toilet to see if it will do the trick but the darn thing kept struggling, trying so hard not to get flushed down the land of goldfish and other dead animals you flush down the toilet. Nothing we did would work because it was determined not to die.

It got me thinking, its just a lizard, why is it fighting so hard not to die? Its not like it has a family to go to. I mean no one will miss it. It has nothing to look forward to yet why try so hard to stay alive? What is it living for?

I guess watching several dozen episodes of house has fired up the part of my brain that likes to solve puzzles and asks lots of questions. If a mere animal can value its life, even when it has nothing to life for, so fight so hard not to lose it even though its stupidity got it into the toilet why do some people think they can just give up? If you don't have something to life for, go out, take a vacation or something and do some thinking. Find something you can live for and live for it. Don't sulk and think its all over because truth be told me all go through rough times but just like how he sets the boundaries for the seas. He also set boundaries for our pain and suffering. Let that give you comfort.

Now i dunno why i said that but i believe its for a reason. Even a yarp post bring out something huh. I guess you can say i love this outlet :)

-ONWARD

post 80s

Its that time again. I dont want to talk about exams because i realise that if i keep it up i might run out of titles seeing that every quarter or so i face them instead there's been some rather interesting developments.

My eyes are going or at least thats how i feel. I'm quite worried. But i guess its time to have them checked. Its probably about time since my mom, dad and two sisters have bottles on their eyes. Tell you the truth i hate glasses. For me they're just another inconvenience.

I've read this blog post and found it rather interesting. As i get older i tend to not get the current generation, i seem not to get the point of some things the post '80s kids are down with. So like other older people the sites i visit have been changing. I'm more likely to buy more of John Maxwell books {is that his name? i think i messed it up} on leadership and self improvement. And then there's lifehack.org thats more about living the ultimate zen lifestyle, where your desk is organised and you have all your todo lists in place and everything on schedule... I find it quite useful.

I guess the next step is actually reading news and talking about politics like everyone my age. I fear that at some point this blog will gravitate towards topics that are more serious and less fun but well thats the price of growing up and i'm not there yet but feeling it coming.

-ONWARD

God my strength

Today was one of those days when God just wanted to talk to me. I've been blessed every week just going through the alpha material with a bunch of great people and today we went through why we read the bible. I'm not sure what the exact topic says but its something along those lines and we had a very good discussion. 

I find that i usually dont have time to prepare for the sessions. Between getting the food and making photocopies of the materials for everyone ( forgot this week :p), and copying the video and adding in other funny short clips and stuff plus class ( thank God i only had one class today) there's just... well i guess there is time but somehow i dont get around to doing it and i freak out because i hate those moments when everyone is looking to me to say something and i dont have more to say.

Today after the video i just went to the toilet far from the building so i can slip a few lines of prayer before we began the session and its incredible how God will use the most simplest honest prayers and make something out of it. Its happened to me lots of times and its not because i'm special or anything, far from it.

So about the bible. I noticed today while everyone was talking that for me, that time in the morning when i'm all alone is very short. Most times i can't wake up on time because i slept late or just want to sleep. But i realised i missed the times when i spent just reading the word and praying a bit. Just spending time with God, uninterrupted by msn or facebook or my phone or my housemates music or the concerns for the day. For me it has become routine, just a ritual i do to please my conscience and i dont want that, i want relationship. 

Father bring me back to the place where it was just me and you everyday, i wan.

In the end i just thought it would be nice for everyone to share their favourite verses of scripture, the ones that meant a lot to them and for me its this one in Romans 8:38 & 39

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

~shalom~

flesh wounds

I had one of those days. You know the type that starts well and then twards the end something happens that taints it. 

Today i felt deprived because i couldn't get what i wanted and i didnt go against good judgement. Like a child who wants everything they see but a good parent will not grant their child their every desire so sometimes deprivation is a good thing. Makes you value something once you have waited for it for so long.

Today i also felt left out. Was talking to my friend and she shared about her life and how things are moving on with her bf and there was that feeling again. But i have to say with all my heart there's nothing i love more than to see two people so in love, especially if they are my friends and if they have chosen right. By right i mean followed the bible.

Its interesting the alarming number of christians who think its ok to date people who are of a different faith when clearly the bible does not allow this things. They're just getting themselves up for disaster. That said not all such cases end in disaster but in my opinion its not worth the risk. A large percentage of your total happiness or misery in life comes from who you choose as your partner and for something that serious why are people taking it so lightly?

I sound like an old man who does not get the world, and about time too. Its about time i show my age. 

Anyways i'll say pray for your friends, dont let things happen to them when you can do something about it. Sometimes people dont know what they are doing and need someone to point to the right path.

~shalom~

through the hard times

In this faith that we have, the christian faith, we go through times of doubt and uncertainty. We come to the point where we want to know if we have believed in the right way or have been a victim of an elaborate con job.

At time stage in our lives and faith its worthwhile to remember how we came to know God, and to remember what we were saved from and to remember what we are saved to. We are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation.

That God does not necessarily need me or you or anyone. That God is love and he has shown that to us in a way that no one has ever before or ever will again because man is incapable of that level of love and faithfulness. 

It is worthile to remember that God is good and nothing can separate us from his love and if it seems like he is far, to know that we cannot always trust our feelings but rest in his promises. If he cannot change, and his words are true forever than probably thats all the knowledge we can ever need to go through anything.

It is worthwhile to remember that we reap what sow, be it wheat or tares, that if we are being chastised by the father to remember that those he loves he chastens. To remember when we are angry that anger rests in the bossom of fools and the Lord has no delight in fools, that God is still the almighty as he is our loving father.

Hang in there, for the trial of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.

Father help me to remember you, as you are, everyday. The times are getting harder but i want to hold on to you. Only you are real. Arigaro O-tou san

~shalom~

coming from a guy

"You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched. Now you remind me of my father's Arabians: Rode hard and put away wet. I don't want you anymore and I can't see why anyone else would."

Quote from gossip girl and coming from a guy its important to see this. For those girls that stay pure and avoid the promiscious life keep the fascination because once its lost, sorry.

~shalom~

loved by Him

From one of my favourite psalms.

...Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If i go up to the heavens, you are there; If i make my bed in the dpths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if i settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If i say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me" even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you...

Sometimes i wonder how i would be if i were not a christian. What my life would be like. I probably would be miserable and get into some kind of addiction, find a way to escape the real world. Maybe cheat people and have no sense of integrity. Or maybe i would be a nice person doing good things for people, feeling good about myself. There was a time when i was young and after sitting outside the house observing the world go about its daily business, i honestly thought at that time, if everyone was like me there will be less problems. Now i know thats a dangerous thought.

One thing i have come to know is that God loves diversity, thats why there's not just one color, one type of plant or animal, why there's male and female, why there are people even twins with different characters, attitudes and beliefs. Different kind of languages and cultures. But whats beautiful is when all those differences come together for a singular purpose. If that purpose is to worship God then its a very powerful thing.

Today I am grateful that God saught me out and chose to save me. I know i don't deserve anything i get from him but i think its important sometimes to remember what we are saved from and what we are saved to. And its important to stop sometimes and reflect on what really matters. 

I may not be where i ought to be but thank God i'm not where i used to be. :)

~shalom~

on the brink

Yesterday we the alpha team went out to Lambir waterfalls. I've never been there and it was nice to get everyone out for some together time. 

I feel so disappointed in my photography skills. Most of the shots i took didn't turn out the way i wanted but there were a few good ones.

When we got there, after something like a 15min work the water looked nice. I brought my tripod to take a photo of the water fall and got some shots but not the way i wanted. It was so frustrating but oh well. 

When all the photos were taken went down to the water. I was really cold but after a while you get used to it.  The shallow part was really shallow so i thought i would go a bit deeper. Now normally i take my precautions since i can't really swim, i would remain in the parts where my feet will touch the ground and that was what i wanted. As i moved closer away from the shallow part there was this drastic drop and my feet didnt touch the ground anymore, i panicked.

Almost everyone in the water could swim but once i lost contact with the ground i was helpless in the water, started to sink. You know how you are like a yo-yo in the water, you go up and down as the waves move. When i got down, i thought wow this is it. I may never get up again, but then the water would lift me up again and i will raise my hand to let everyone know i'm in trouble. Yan wei tried to stretch his hands to get me and as soon as i laid my hands on it i pulled like crazy. He's quite thin so didn't have the balance to pull me out. I was pulling him in instead. 

I was puzzled why no one came to my aid, i was clearly in danger and they all thought i was kidding. I was jeremy who pulled me out just in time, i could have drowned there and died there and no one would have noticed until its too late.

That has got to be the most terrifying experience in my life. And i thought it through. All the what ifs and stuff. What a way to die. Would i go to heaven if i died? Did i sin prior to that moment? Nothing else mattered except for those two questions. 

But for some reason it didnt happen that way. Maybe its God's way of saying "i've got your back", "i'm here", "i've not stopped watching over you". And its true you know, God has not stopped watching over me, and indeed all his children. He guards them jealously. I hope i never forget this day so i will remember to put things in perspective.

 

~shalom~

lemme outta here

When i think of the amount of work i have to do this sem i just feel like screaming, or crying or just running. I know, compared to most people its not much and i dont want to complain. I know that it is in these kind of situations where God likes to work to show us that He is mighty to save haha. True or not?

I don't want to complain or be freightened, {guess whats playing now? Trust in the lord by sixpence none the richer} but i know that God can see me through all the busyness and help me plan my time and make those sacrifices that i need to make to go through this sem successfully.

I know i can make it

I know i can stand

No matter what may come my way

My life is in your hands :)

~shalom~

hope

When i think of hope the first thing that comes into my mind is the obama campaign poster.

Yeah this one. But the hope i'm talking about is the one the bible. I was going to try to explain it but my bible does a better job, check this out.

"Hope"

In English, the word hope implies contingency. But Biblical "hope" is not a "hope-so hope" (ie not wishful thinking about something good happening in the future); rather, it is a "know-so hope," a confidence from God concerning his promises. It is sure because it is based on the integrity of God's Word. We will experience the reality of hope because God is "the God of hope" (ie the object and assurance of our hope, Romans 15.13).

See i told you. There's no way i could have come up with something like that. But its true. People make the mistake of thinking when we say hope, we mean hope-so. I've had this discussion before with my friend who didnt understand and i didnt really understand at the time and her point made sense but the more i think about it the more i realise they're different. If someone says i hope so means they're not sure. Say you ask someone;

You: are you going to pass your exams?

Them: hope so...

It doesn't sound confident right. Ok compare this with this.

You: are you going to pass your exams?

Them: Yes.

What do you think? Yeah i know sometimes people say things they don't mean but there are times when you write an exam and you know without a doubt its a done deal. That is the hope of a bible. Its more like faith. I have this beautiful quote about faith.

Faith never gives up. It knows that despite appearances, all is well.

(Madam Guyon)

I've been rather confused lately, i think a lot lately and there's fear in my heart. I dunno quite what it is, if its a phase or of God wants to teach me something but in my heart there is a hope that all will be well. That this season will pass and it will be spring again. 

Photo credit http://www.flickr.com/photos/a35mmlife

~shalom~

thoughts on gundam

I've been watching gundam 00 for the past few days and i really like it especially now that bleach is going off in {in my opinion} unnecessary tangents.

Its about war and the ideal of one man to eradicate war everywhere on earth by attacking nations that have a military agenda. At first its all innocent and no one really gets hurt but then the story gets very personal and the fighting does not really seem to yield any good except breed even more war and accelerate the development of more dangerous and sophisticated weapons of war with the aim also to eradicated war but by subduing rebel groups and those that are against the UN-like federated government forces and chief on the list is a group of trouble makers who with their gundams and a brilliant war strategist have given the rest of the war making world something to fight about.

Season 1 saw the emergence of these gundams with special abilities that at the time surpassed the world's best defense systems intervening in war torn countries and territories to achieve its goals albeit in an unconventional, forceful way that won them both allies and enemies. The pilots for these gundams were chosen by a computer system, veda which also sought out targets and gave information necessary to complete missions. It was a critical part of celestial being's arsenal as they even control the gundams but somehow this system was infiltrated and its information was manipulated by those who call themselves the innovators. They believe they are the future, when all humans have destroyed themselves in war and division they will reign as superior beings without the flaws of these humans. They believe it was all part of the plan to eradicate war yet were always at odds with the motives and goals of celestial being.

With season 2 things got very personal. The war had touched so many lives that everyone must take a side to either become a rebel or be a government force with their questionable methods. The season revealed the reason why the pilots that engage each other in these battles do what they do.

For Setsuna fighting is all he knows and after fighting all his life he has about had enough of all the wars and is drawn by the ideology of celestial being to stop all wars and lead the way to peace. Funny enough the way they chose to do this is to fight some more. He has lost everything, his homeland, his family and hence has nothing else to lose yet after an encounter with marina he questions his motives.

For saji its a chance to get back to louise, the love of his life who has joined the fed forces' A-Laws on a revenge mission to eradicate celestial being after gundams attacked her family and destroyed everything she had. Blessed with wealth and fueled by hate she quickly rises up the ranks funding and fighting the assault on celestial being. Through a series of unfortunate events he has found himself with celestial being through setsuna who was his strange neighbour. After sitting on the fence and allowing his selfish actions cause the death of so many he is almost at the point of realising that you are either with the A-Laws or with the rebels. He has as everyone else experience personal loss because of the intervention of celestial being and so has his grudges and does not subscribe to their ideology.

There are others with their own personal vendetta but this is a war fueled by anger, revenge, a sense of loss and duty to which ever side one pledges allegiance to. Hearts are torn apart, lives are lost, the reality of war and the irony of its eradication.

When you think of it, you can't help but seek a solution, one that is different from that offered by the writers of the story. You kind of wonder what happened to "...a soft answer turns away anger..."? Its interesting the solutions that the bible offers to conflicts and how they require humility yet how effective and unconventional they are. War cannot be eradicated by more fighting no matter the goal because all it breeds is hatred and where there is hatred there is rebellion.

We all are at war also. Some of us are like saji, living in denial, not willing to accept that he has to take a side, seeking to be neutral from all the killing. Yet some of us are like setsuna, resolute and focused. Knowing he has the tools to do what is right in his heart and giving his all to accomplish his ultimate goal.

~shalom~

i choose

i choose

to be happy

to wake up everyday and smile

to be silent

to be crazy

to observe

to do something out of the ordinary

to forget

to forgive

to be quiet

to love

to care

to refuse

to stick to the plan

to be hopeful

to have faith

to remain strong

to be faithful as long as i can

to obey

to disobey

to comply

to go with the flow

to stand out

to be unpopular

to relate 

to refrain

to remember

to call

to say hi

everyday.

~shalom~

miri kuching miri

As the time for me to leave kuching draws closer, i have mixed feelings. Its interesting how things happen. I remember when i was leaving kuching i didn't know what to expect. I guess i was so comfortable and still am, in kuching and for a while i thought if that was the right decision, leaving? Miri is a really nice place, even though the food is better in kuching, and cheaper too, and even though there's just one MCD in the entire city; not that i go there very often and the weather not withstanding, i find that when the time comes to go back i am excited.

I love kuching and will always love this place especially because of the people here. I like the fellowship i have here with the bethany people and the opportunity to serve is just a blessing. I can't imagine my whole break without something to do. The past few months have been some of the best. I will miss singing "pretty eyes" with leslie and going makan with yong shen and NFSMW with barnabas. All the birthdays, celebrating, preparing, and stuff. And to think that i almost didn't come back this time? I would have missed out on all the breakfast i don't have to pay for :P and the insane non stop raining season which is in stark contrast to the insane heat thats in miri. I would have missed out on ps Che Chung's induction to full time ministry in bethany. Would have missed out on time spent with the others and that would have been sad indeed.

I just thank God for the way He made me comfortable in both cities and how He has constantly provided for all my needs both physical and non-physical. And for giving me a loving family away from my nuclear family :)
~shalom~