more of the good stuff

Someone posted on Facebook or some where that the new year is not a reset button and I agree. Nothing will change until we take the right steps to make a change.

I'm particularly grateful this year for everything I have and don't have. This time I didn't bring my laptop with me to Kuching because of the screen problem and I've really missed it. But not having it made me read more and gave me the chance finally to pick up guitar. Now I want a guitar to keep playing. Interesting the way things turn out.

Here's to hoping the new year will bring even greater joy, peace, full measure of mercy, hope, goodness and love.
-ONWARD

this and that

Now
Kuching. table tennis. monopoly deal. bak kut teh. reading: the kite runner.

In a while
bbq.

This week
iscf dinner.

Next week
year end camp @cameron highlands
christmas carol @the spring

-ONWARD

false assumptions

Today has been really good. Everything I set out to do has been done. One thing I notice is that despite being a last minute kind of guy, I make a lot of assumptions that are not always correct. So in reviewing the way I handled things I think it would have been better if I just made arrangements ahead of time.

Another thing I'm beginning to realise is that there are almost always last minute setbacks. It has happened so much that I always expect and plan for it. It doesn't mean I dont have faith that things will go well. I actually do, just that I don't like to be unprepared to face these unplanned situations.

I've always tried to be as independent as possible. And today I realised that there's a limit to how independent you can be. We all need people and even though sometimes they are not always reliable as much as we want, its easy to let it go when you realise you're no better. I thank God for everything that was accomplished today. It makes my trip down to Kuching something to look forward to even more.

-ONWARD

i'll take you back

I'll take you back always
Even when the fight is over now
I'll take you back
Even when the pain is coming through
I'll take you back.

This song brings back lots of memories. Interesting how memories are tied to music and smell.
-ONWARD

never stop

Was just chatting with a friend and we talk about what our favourite music is, we do this from time to time, and i realised he hasn't really changed. He's the same drum whacking, music loving, outrageous friend that i know. All this from the kind of music he's currently in to.

I have a feeling i've said this before but repetition never killed anyone. And in many ways this is me talking to myself, reminding myself to never stop. Don't stop doing something that is good. If there's value, or substance in it, carry on. Yeah things happen that still our passion and discouragement comes and sets doubt on fire and we feel well thats not me, or i'm just not good at it. Never stop doing what is good. We like the things we like for a reason and I think that in this world, God put things for us to learn and enjoy so lets learn and enjoy them. Thats all.

-ONWARD

blogging is dead, lets all tweet

Everyone should be on twitter. I update more there than here so follow @mario64 on twitter. If you like.
Exams start next week.

-ONWARD

Fred Hammond - You Called Me Friend (Lyrics)

I love this song so much.

-ONWARD

all things considered

Sunday service today was extra special for me. Not because pastor made a joke at my expense. Its always special to sing in church, I enjoyed it much more today. The message was spot on again. Thats one of the things I love about Calvary.

Bitterness
So all the nonsense that has happened in all these years have happened and it has changed who I am. I wish I can say for the better but time will tell. Bitterness is bad. It makes you pessimistic, doubtful and where there is doubt, faith is far. I have failed, I have disappointed myself and my family, I have hit bottom, I have asked myself, whats the point. I have lost the will to fight. What's the point? Things are bad, I have a dozen worries I have suspended thought on because I can't live that way. I think about the future, and wonder what it holds for me. Through all this its hard to keep faith. Its easy to blame someone and be bitter. But there's no future there.

In something like almost 10 years I've never been to a hospital for some serious sickness. Breezed past h1n1 even though my immune system is not the strongest, besides the occasional flu and headaches I've had excellent health. That's just a miracle. For all the time I've been here, I've not begged for money, and its not because I'm from a rich family or anything. I think its just someone up there sustaining me and my siblings.

Everywhere I go, there are people I know who are real friends, some family so i'm never alone in this land. I could go on with a lot of things that are good that I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy because of God's grace. Yes things are not ideal but when is anything ideal? If there's one light, no matter how dim, i'm going to hold on to it. Not giving up yet baby :)

Today I watched the last episode of Lost and it was nice to see all the cast together in the end after all they had been through in the island, the reunion of all the dead ones, finally time to reflect and thank each other. Everything seems to make sense. All the problems were just stories of survival and perseverance. Kind of reminds me of heaven.

Change my heart Oh Lord, make it ever new. Change my heart Oh Lord, may I be like you.

-ONWARD

Gabe Dixon - All Will Be Well - Live HD

Gabe Dixon band has a certain style to their music that is refreshing. All will be well.

-ONWARD

It might be hope - Sara Groves

Hope has a way of turning its face to you just when you least expected.

-ONWARD

knowing and knowing about

I've been reading this book by A.W. Tozer, God's Pursuit of Man for the past two nights now. I've had the book for something like a year now and only picked it up the other night because I couldn't sleep and tonight because I'm stalling on my studying. Normally I read books from the first chapter but I guess due to the circumstances with which I picked up this book to read, I started with the chapter on the Holy Spirit.

Jesus we know, the son of God, God we know, and the holy spirit we know, the third person of the trinity but I must confess there's not much more that I know. I know yes the Holy Spirit helps us understand the things of God but as the book points out, there's knowing and there's knowing about. Most of what we know is this 'know about' knowledge, knowledge we gain through the study of the word, through accounts from other people but there's a deeper, more personal 'knowing' that comes through experience and revelation from God through the spirit of God. This knowledge is far greater than any of our human efforts, all our intellectual capability. I don't know about you but I'm not a very smart person so this kind of knowledge is appealing to me. Let me repost something from the book by some guy, Athanasius who wrote something he called 'The Incarnation of the Word of God'. Here we go.

But for the searching of the Scriptures and true knowledge of them, an honorable life is needed, and a pure soul, and that virtue which is according to Christ; so that the intellect guiding its path by it may be able to attain what it desires, and to comprehend it, in so far as it is accessible to human nature to learn concerning the Word of God. For without a pure mind and a modeling of the life after the saints, a man could not possibly comprehend the mind of the saints....He that would comprehend the mind of those who speak of God needs begin by washing and cleansing his soul.

-ONWARD

why delia why

In the latest in the series of misfortunes I've been having with my computer, the screen suddenly started to flicker violently so much that I can hardly make out what's on the screen. This is the progression of the previous benign 1 pixel line across the top of the screen and the occasional flicker when the screen brightness is low.

I sent it to the pc image shop at boulevard Miri and they plugged it to an external monitor and after they couldn't get the display to come on they told me its the graphics card problem. n00bs! Naturally I didn't accept their prognosis so I tried it on the lab computers in campus and it works. So for now the only way to use my lappie is with this ~19" monitor.


Cost me 400 bucks of unplanned, unbudgetted money but much cheaper than getting a new lappie. Why delia, why? You're not even three years old yet.
-ONWARD

Adie - Redemption song

Adie is Jeremy Camp's wife, was the vocalist for the band Benjamin Gate. Didn't know it was her until quite recently. She has a great voice and two beautiful albums.

-ONWARD

None Beside You God, Autumn TP

More than just a song.

-ONWARD

it is well with my soul

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

In cell group we'll going through Hebrews, learning that Jesus is our great high priest, one appointed my God, who's sacrifice was himself, one that is done once and for all so that he is priest forever, making intercessions for the saints.

Many times what sets us back is guilt. I did something wrong, something awful, how can a christian do this kind of thing? Well guess what, it didn't catch God by surprise. I don't think he's there with a jaw dropped expression of shock at the things we do despite being saved from sin. I think that there have been a provision for this exact situation. Most times all we need is to say sorry.

 My favourite hymn has this line ...and now thou bids me come to thee O lamb of God I come, I come.

It is well, it is well with my soul. God bless you.

-ONWARD!

it just has to be

I've not done this for a while. In this life no one has it easy but I think if we are honest you can point out some of the nice things that has happened. Some people accredit these things to God, some just accept it, others say its karma. I belong to the first bunch of people.

A friend asked me a while ago if I would do it all again, would I have come to Miri and without thinking about it I said yeah. I'm not one to explore the other possibilities of alternate life decisions. What if this, what if that... its irrelevant. But coming to Miri gave me immense opportunities to serve, to meet a lot of people, to discover some parts of me that I probably wouldn't have had. Was my time wasted? I don't think so. As much as I would like to be out there doing great things, I've come to learn that its not speed but fidelity. How long can you last? What is the quality of your life? Are you prepared for what is ahead and until I am I'm not going anywhere. Its not like I purposely refuse to move on but I believe that my life is part of a grand master plan from someone much wiser to teach the great a lesson. I believe that immense good will come out of every bad thing, every disappointment, every pain and shame I have felt, I believe it, and its my hope.

Not to be sidetracked but I want to thank God for not giving up on me, even when I have not been good to Him, but still, in a world that loves to judge and punish, His grace is refreshing and His love undeserving. I thank God for seeing me through a lot this year. I may not be where I need be but I'm not where I used to be and that's progress. Doesn't have to be big, it just has to be.

-ONWARD

I was just thinking of all the stuff that I want but can't have and I remembered this; delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.


-ONWARD

thank you - sanctus real

love this song.
-ONWARD

you'll be in our hearts

I know you're in a better place now.

-ONWARD

I love you not because of anything you are or what you will become. I love you because you are my son.

-mom

-ONWARD

11.10.10

When did you stop believing? when did impossible start to matter? Have you forgotten? Has it really been that long? When did the one who split the sea change? Is He not the same one that lives in you? Who will never leave you or forsake you? ...I've never seen the righteous forsaken.

But you say, with a dropped head, I'm not righteous, I've done so many things I'm ashamed of. Is that it? Are not his mercies new every morning? When did you embrace fear and discard faith so much that its now the only reality you see? Is not the God of wonders still the God who ...goes around the earth to show himself mighty, will He not do what he promised? Are you better off in that corner, afraid and ashamed, is it not you who was at the forefront not so long ago? What happened to you, mighty man of God. Is not the joy of the Lord still your strength? Are you not the son of God? Will he forsake his own flesh? If you evil men know how to give good things to your children, how much more the heavenly father. Ask that your joy may be full. Go and sin no more but if you do, dont stay there, let it go. My peace I leave with you, not like the world...

Today church was great.

-ONWARD

Dell inspiron 1420 teardown

My lappie, I call her Delia has been making some funny noises. This is one of the flaws of my particular Dell model, the inspiron 1420 known for its loud fan noise and heating issues that screw up the graphics card. There's also the one pixel line across the top of the screen but that's another story.

So the other day I was studying and could not stand it anymore so I opened up the computer, took out my old toothbrush and gave the fan a good clean. Unfortunately it didn't solve the problem but I took pictures of the insides and thought to share so here you go.















And as a bonus, here's how it sounds sometimes



I think its fair to say that my next computer will not be a Dell. I'm done.
-ONWARD

Poor durian
-ONWARD

Forgiveness. What is the depth of forgiveness? How far can you go? Is there anything thats unforgivable? The plea is this - forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

I think on a personal level, man vs man, nothing is unforgivable. Even though your wife or husband cheats on you, nothing is unforgivable on a personal level. Question is do I want to? And what will it take?

Forgiveness is hard.

-ONWARD

Just got back from a wedding of a close friend. Weekend trips are the best.

-ONWARD

for now

I got a letter from my mom a few years back and she reminded me of David, he encouraged himself in the Lord, among other things. No one knows you more than your mom so here's my attempt.

I know things are not going my way at the moment but its not anyone's fault. I cannot be angry because anger leads to resentment and death... he who is angry with his brother has already murdered him in his heart. Its no one's fault. I know that from my perspective its impossible, there's a lot of worry in my mind but God is not limited by my performance. If he made a promise he will see it through even though it seems unlikely. Things change, but he never changes.

No one said the road will be easy but all the difficultly only helps make the success the more sweeter and puts the right perspective on things. You know that there was no way you would have got there without his help. Keeps you humble.

For now, just keep doing what is good. Whatever is good, noble... think of these things and though the vision tarries it will surely come, for God is not a man that he would lie or the son of man that he would change his mind. So why worry, look at the birds, they never sow nor reap but they never go hungry.

Help me father remember these things. Its easy to forget and try to fight the battles that are yours and get frustrated. You know me. I want your peace. I need to know i'm doing the right thing. I need your help everyday. Thank you.

-ONWARD

end

-ONWARD

lost
-ONWARD

meh

I thought of a nice title for this post but now I can't remember it. And I know its been a while but here I am.  I recently started taking records of every sen I spend starting this month and so far I can say that it has helped me think twice before spending.

This semester is going to be a killer.

-ONWARD

another campur post

The past few weeks have been overwhelming. I don't think I want to share about it, maybe not just yet but when there's life, there's hope. In thinking about some of the things that happened in the past I realise that some of the mistakes may not have been just mistakes but inevitable outcomes.

Not being cohesive helps me get something out there, maybe let off some steam. I know that He who watches Israel does not sleep or slumber and even though I don't see it, everyday He's fighting for me. No I'm not special, far from it, its just that He's that good. And even when I can't find faith, He is faithful everyday, everyday.

-ONWARD

When the heart grows weak and it seems like our troubles are unique an no one can help. Isaiah 40 says of God "...No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak."

Thought I would share.

-ONWARD

Frederic Chopin Ballade No. 1 in G Minor, Op. 23

One of my favourite pieces from the pianist (awesome movie) by chopin. Oh have i mentioned that i just love classical music?

-ONWARD

my 3 weeks in pictures

Pictures from my brief stint in KL.


bokeh. first attempt


stayed in one of these units


taylor's college in the distance


right around the time i usually sleep


sunrise.


i'm a saint?


travellator in the wee hours of the morning


gate a11 right at the end of the airport


love clouds.


blue+white. favourite colors



It was an adventure, my time in KL. Thank God for everything.

-ONWARD

Just what I need now....someday.

-ONWARD

ahem

Its been almost 2 weeks since i left Miri. KL has been fun for the most part. I enjoy the people at Harvest Generation Church in Subang. If you're in the area, looking for a church, they come highly recommended. Thank God for John for putting up with me. And it was great meeting up with Shellyn, Ruth, Barney and Aunty!!! Haha hope she doesn't read this. It was also nice meeting up with my school friends for almost a whole day. And some long time friends. Bumped into my old former housemate at Sentral.

Two weeks was enough for me to grow tired of the KTM. But you know its a new experience. I won't get to ride on a train when I go back to Miri. No more delays, super packed coaches and women only middle coaches. No more trying to balance in the unstable centipede. Yup sure will miss it.

I think this will be the longest I've spent in KL and as I was sharing with a certain animal, its nice to visit but I don't think i'll get used to the life here. The people here are... different, sometimes can't tahan (stand) them. Or maybe i just don't understand. Anyways I like the pace of life in Sarawak, have never been a city person really. One thing that irk-ed me a bit was when I tell people I study in Curtin University, they're like where's that and i'm like in Miri, and then they're like Miri??? Sarawak? hello? Its like Curtin does not exist, is not an option. Made me wonder how those west Malaysians found out about this little obscure University. And why on earth they went 'there' ('there' is a synonym for Sarawak) to study. I dunno, I felt a bit annoyed. Not sure why.

Haih seems like I'm complaining a lot. Ok ok. KL is great. I'm going to miss Starbucks at times square. Its like i need to go there each time I come to the west. Nothing special, just something I have to do. Yeah i'm weird like that.

I'm bored so everything I say is just out of order and seems random. Spent the whole day indoors. I need kaki to jalan jalan =(  ok enough.

Going back to the land of the seahorse this Friday. Hope i dont miss my flight. Ahem. :p

-ONWARD

privileged

Blogger now has stats. I've been seeing some of the pages people who come to this blog end up in and one that made me smile was this one where I decided to stop blogging here. I've seen my fair share of drama over the years.

Everyday is like an adventure. I go to KL Sentral almost everyday now. Standing in the KTM trying to keep my balance as the train moves has become almost routine. Today or rather yesterday we went to Lowyat plaza, my friends wanted to get some stuff. Sigh. Every time I go to lowyat I want to get a psp but every time it doesn't seem to be in my budget. Later we went to eat. had one of the better tasting kueh teow I've had in a while. Thai style kueh teow, spicy goodness. My if it wasn't so not cheap I won't mind having that at least once a week. Tsk tsk.

There's actually a lot I wanted to share but I'm very sleepy now and can't really focus. Oh yeah we went to this Burmese church in Putrajaya, they served us Burmese tea, it was really nice, had a unique taste and then we had mee with coconut oil, again very unique and my favourite watermelon :) then we started talking about denominations and the differences and stuff like that. This guy Samuel (not actual name, dunno if I should use his real name or not) was sharing about life in Burma and how the government discriminates against the very few Christians in the country of mainly Buddhists. And I didn't realise there are many tribes in Myanmar and they speak different languages and stuff. He was saying they needed missionaries in the country and then he shared how his family was saved and how he was the answer to the prayers of his parents and their promise to God was to serve him if he gives them a boy :) wonderful how God works huh?

All these made me appreciate my freedom. I've never really known religious persecution in this way. I mean there's always the teasing and stuff but that's nothing compared to what christians in some of these countries face.

Almost related to this, earlier in the day I was thinking, or rather a thought came to my mind. I was thinking how hard life would be if I didn't have any money. Imagine spending my whole day thinking how to get money to eat and take care of myself? I would not even think about having a mcflurry it would be like impossible. Made me realise how privileged I am, made me say a prayer of thanks to God. The other day I was in starbucks waiting for my friend and this pretty girl comes along, she could not speak and gave me a card saying they have things that I could purchase for a certain amount. Usually people think these are scams but you know there's this softness in your heart? So I got this.



Thank You Lord for everything good I enjoy. Holy Spirit please remind me not to take things for granted and to learn to give to others as I have opportunity. Thank You for your blessings :)

Totally unrelated, listening to tommy emmanuel at night while you write a blog post is a pleasurable undertaking :)

[update] just went over to tumblr and found this gif image. Thought I would post it here.

-ONWARD

O God you are my God.

I love this song, from Hillsong's new album A Beautiful Exchange. Something about Brooke Fraser's voice, awesome.

Today is the 4th of July, America's Independence day and my sister's birthday :) Happy birthday mma, I know you read this.

-ONWARD

on routine

"The man or woman who learns to make peace with routine responsibilities and obligations will make the greatest contributions in the long run."

-Dr. Raymond Buker

-ONWARD

relentless monster

Our lives are made up of seasons. Seasons change and sometimes these changes can be quite difficult to adjust to like people leaving our lives, or moving to a new place where you don't know anyone and feel tired to try all over again making friends. Whats they point? They'll just leave again right?

I find myself sometimes thinking about people, those that seem to be moving on in life, getting married, finding jobs and stuff and there's a tinge of jealousy and some disappointment in myself. Its easy to just dwell on that and feel sorry for yourself. I have my low moments and I'm not a super-christian. Far from it. (Hopefully I will share about that sometime) But what choice do we have but to trust that we have not trusted wrongly. That He that started the work in your life will bring it to completion even if it doesn't seem like it will ever happen, not in a million years? Do I have a choice? (VCF camp theme once.)

Its possible these feelings will never go away. I mean even if you get a job, there will always be people who seem to be more prosperous, are happier, or whatever. But I guess that a certain level of contentment and gratitude helps keep things in the right perspective. I don't know. I'm trying to convince myself that there's a better day. Fear is an evil monster. The picture that comes to mind is the Balrog that took down Gandolf the grey in the Lord of the Rings movie. Terrible monster this fear.

Sometimes life beats you to a corner just like when tom gets jerry cornered and poor scared jerry pinned with no escape musters the courage to face tom and give him a beating or atleast enough to run away and hide in a hole. I guess its time to beat back to stare the monster down, show them what you've got. Surprise yourself, relying on His strength all the way. The funny thing about this monster is that even after beating him today, he's ready for another fight tomorrow. Relentless monster this one.

Lord I know you have the best for me. Teach me not to settle for less,  go my own way, fight the battles that are yours. I pray that your word will beat down these monsters that bother me, and set my feet on the rock of your unfailing words. I receive your strength to take on these monsters everyday. mmeka nnam.

-ONWARD

damn tourist

Its almost a quarter past 4, I'm not alone and I need sleep now. I was thinking what title to give this post and 'how to get to kl in one try or less' came to mind but I decided to stick to tradition and finish the post before coming up with a title.

So i'm in Kuala Lumpur, finally. No i'm not here to play but i could given the right conditions. My flight was suppose to leave yesterday but didn't happen. I went to the airport at 5.30 in the morning only to be informed the flight has been delayed to 11am, then at 11 we all boarded the plane, the ground crew were still fixing things, they actually turned off all electricity on the plane, (so no lights and no airconditioning) for about 5 minutes and after it came back on we were asked to disembark and then given transit pass slips with no information whatsoever on the next course of action. We all individually had to go to the counter to negotiate our flights. I felt sorry for the ground crew, I think they were overwhelmed by people just clueless on what to do. At the same time i'm disappointed at the way Malaysian Airlines handled this situation. I expected more.

I was fortunate to be with my friend Dhiren who helped us negotiate a flight the next day. Ironically it was suppose to be his last day in Miri, so naturally he had no place to stay, I still had my house but he was homeless and so was able to convince the MAS office to let us stay in ParkCity Hotel not far from the airport. I thought he handled the situation rather well. He kept making demands :) I wouldn't have been so brave. But we got the Hotel along with lunch, dinner, breakfast and taxi to and from the airport all paid by the Airline. Thank God for the brother. I asked him during lunch if this was the first time he had experienced this kind of delay and he recounted the time when they all went to Turkey for holidays and got similar deals. Experienced guy. I learned to claim what is rightfully mine *evil laugh*

I'm not a city guy, i like the country so KL has been a bit daunting. It certainly will take a lot of getting used to. The KLIA express counter was temporarily closed when we arrived so I went around looking for another one. I did notice a few people buying tickets near the arrivals gate but didn't read too much into it. After running around looking lost like a damn tourist, I decided to go back to level 1 and try again. The train had already arrived and as I made my way to the counter, was told I could pay when we arrived. The train was about to leave. I guess i expect things to work a certain way and they don't and thats my struggle here. It was equally difficult finding the KTM counter. All these makes me want to buy the touch and go card like in Singapore.

So after all the hubbub I'm in Subang Jaya and needing rest. Tomorrow will be interesting :) Oh yeah some pictures.


transit pass


my room


another shot


balcony overlooking the beach


what the other balconies look like


the beach+sunset


swimming pool


it rained this morning


hot chocolate. the airport was so cold

-ONWARD

live writer

So Microsoft has the windows live essentials on beta and they are great, I think you should try it out if you are on windows especially if you are running on vista or windows 7. I ‘m not sure they support windows xp. So if this works I’ll be updating the blog from here. No more typos =)

-ONWARD

lets make new friends

It took me three tries to get to blogger. I kept typing it wrong, bogger.com then bloger.com both parking sites.

Anyway, its almost like a tradition every semester to have a small gathering where we send off those who are leaving for Perth or graduating and its always a unique event. On the one hand its sad to see friends leave on the other its probably one of the few occasions (i always struggle with the spelling for occasions) where you get to look back on how you have grown to know them and be a part of their lives. Its always good to see the changes, to look through the good times and the not so good times but in the end, all ills are forgiven and we are all friends, brothers and sisters.

Yeah there's always the few that you don't really know that well, and its hard, always hard for me to give speeches in these occasions (ok i seriously need a synonym) but instead of speeches I think the event is one where you get to speak your mind because there's a possibility that you won't meet these people again.

For those leaving, sure they will be missed, and well I wish them all the best in their future, and hope though don't expect them to keep in touch. For those that remain, its time to make new friends.

The whole point of this post, well not the whole but part of it is to wait for my movie to load on pps. My line is so slow so I have to leave it to buffer. Going to watch Seraphim falls after this. Oh yeah, will be in KL from Monday, so lets hang :)

-ONWARD

whats so great about christianity

Google has this thing where they try to fill out the sentence you are typing with possible matches based on how frequent that particular search term has been searched. Its usually a fun exercise to see what they come up with so yours truly was well not bored but curious and searched for "whats to great about" and hit the i'm feeling lucky button.

Its raining now, and I like. Hitting the button took me to the amazon site for the book with the same title as the title of this post. The folks at amazon were nice to let people read a few pages from the book and it turns out to be an interesting book. I won't say much but if you are curious, take a read and lets talk. I know I'll be looking for it. After my exams :) I still haven't figured out what to do with all the books I have.

-ONWARD

Anchor

Anchor by satellites and sirens. Love this song.

-ONWARD

looking out for me

Its been a while. I've found out one of the most difficult thing, at least for me is staying true to yourself. Let me explain.

We're all different in our own special ways. We have certain views of life and people that to a large extent, at least in the beginning is pure and right. For example, overtime you learn that even when you are nice to someone they may not return the favour and there's a certain disappointment when that happens but does it make you change, stop being nice to people? I don't think so. One way of thinking about it is to conclude that they have a problem they have to deal with but maybe the issue is how people's behaviour or reactions affect me, or you.                         

In the past few years I can see the difference in my life. Everyone says you have look out for yourself but sometimes that's not the right thing to do. Its this struggle between doing what's right for you versus not being selfish. Holding back when you should give, even if its not enough, is usually not the right thing to do, especially when the heart confirms.

Father you know me, I pray that I will not hold back when you're asking me to give. Help me not to always avoid awkward situations but to trust you and have faith that you can bring something good out of my fears. Thank you.

-ONWARD

Quote from a friend

Sometimes you have to push and refuse to take no for an answer.

-ONWARD

drained

I'm tired of slow progress. Body can't take it anymore, mind can't absorb anymore.

Its study week and just like that three days have gone by. We've been fortunate to get empty classrooms to study in but so far my strategy is not working. I've not been able to cover as much as I would have hoped. So tomorrow we're going to try something different.

The room is untidy and I don't care, at least for now and i think its time we give facebook a break.
-ONWARD

Prince of persia: the sands of time

Watched prince of persia: the sands of time after dinner, after shopping for the praise and worship night. I think it was a nice movie. I really preferred it to the new clash of the titans. I think the story is better told and even though I didn't play the sands of time game I like the acrobatic stunts and the girl was well nice too :)

7/10 for me.

-ONWARD

Quote from a friend:

People grow up. We have to change and move on.

I like :)
-ONWARD

Evil Chemicals

Its interesting the things we take for granted until something goes wrong. I've been having irritations with my Nivea deodorant. The only other time I've experienced this was when I used one of the Adidas deos but stopped using it since then. Considering that I usually buy more than one of these things in case I need to travel or so I don't buy the same thing all the time I'm not sure what to do with it.

I've been going through the chemical contents of the product to see who the culprit is and I'm still not sure if its one of them or a combination of them but some definitely raise red flags.

Citral - Likely suspect
Wikipedia says its an aroma compound used  in perfumery products for its citrus effect. Should be avoided by people with perfume allergy.

Now I don't think I have perfume allergy but this Citral could be bad for me. My previous can of deo didn't have Citral.

Geraniol - Also a likely suspect
This one is a monoterpenoid and an alcohol, used in flavours such as peach, plum, lime, orange and a 1994 report from tobacco companies say its one of the 599 additives they put in cigarettes to improve their flavour. Again should be avoided by people with perfume allergy.

Linalool - This could well be the bad boy
Basically an alcohol, used for its floral scent. Known to cause allergic reactions such as eczema in susceptible individuals. More info.

Limonene - Not innocent
Has strong smell of oranges, known to be a skin and respiratory irritant. {Thats why I always sneeze after using the deo}

Coumarin - A different kind of bad
Used as an anti-coagulant in the pharma industry, has appetite suppressing properties but if you're thinking of trying some, it has a bitter taste. Moderately toxic to livers and kidneys, sometimes used as pesticides because they're toxic to rodents.

And then there's Butylphenyl Methylpropional which also causes allergies.

I did a search and found out that most companies have products for people with sensitive skin. There was an ask.yahoo answer that suggested using those products but sure enough i'll be looking closely at the chemical contents of the products I buy from now on.
-ONWARD

transitions

I've been living in Malaysia now for what I would consider a long time and very soon, God willing, I will be leaving. At this point I'm not sure what I want to do with my life, where I will end up, things like that. Would I stay here if I had the chance? There was a time when the answer would be a resounding yes but things change.

I love it here, I love the food, the weather, the culture, some of the languages and the challenges in communicating. But I would never feel at home here. There will always be a place where I call home, the real home and you know its not an idyllic (first time i'm using this word) place. In fact it may not be pleasant but its home and thats where the heart wants to be.

It interesting the kind of things you talk about over lunch especially when you have a curious friend who's always asking question and a particularist (no its not a word) who's always looking for the exact words to explain things. Transitions are not pleasant for the most part. You miss friends, and some bonds weaken with distance and time, and familiar environments are gone and its like starting all over again from basics. Hi my name is (insert name here), nice to meet you. Building new friendships while trying to keep the old ones - one area where I fail.

Its not that I don't care about those that are not in my immediate environment, its just that it takes a lot of effort and understanding from both sides to keep something worth keeping. Before you know it you find words to keep conversations going, wondering what happened to that person you could talk non-stop to. I don't know, transitions are hard, I'll be facing one real soon but you'll know how it goes because I'm talk about it here :)

-ONWARD

happy birthday guchi

Its my birthday today and i'll be having dinner with a few friends. I just want to thank God for life, for guiding me everyday, watching over me and seeing the best in me even when I can't.

Arigato o-tou san


Here's one of my all time favourite songs :)


-ONWARD

chasing pavements

A few weeks ago i didn't know Adele the artist existed but then i heard one of her songs in a video post on facebook and loved it so i got the album, 19 of which this song chasing pavements is a part and has been stuck in my head for some reason few the past few days so i thought i would share :)

I didn't expect that she would be a white lady, her voice sounds so much like she's from African descent, has strong vocals, and her style of music just fits into my library. Needless to say I listen to her a lot these days.

-ONWARD

when in doubt

But if people have doubts about whether they should eat something, they shouldn't eat it. They would be condemned for not acting in faith before God. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.
Romans 14:23

We covered this in cell group this week. Its one of those things you know but then when it comes time to prove it there's doubt and wonder-ings. I'm glad that its in the bible, in black and white, as clear is it can be. I feel so much better now.

-ONWARD

little steps

Little steps forward. When the passion is gone and all thats left is a memory of what you once enjoyed. They say don't let it die. Littles steps forward add up.



Giving photography another shot.

-ONWARD

when nothing wants to work

Today was one of those days where it seemed nothing was going to work. Spent most of the day reformatting a stubborn computer, the internet did not help, and my brain was a bit slow. It really is crazy to keep doing the same thing hoping this time it will give a new outcome.

In the end the laptop was reformatted, the owner pleased, and i thought, people don't really care as much how you get something done, they just care that it gets done. Yeah some times its nice to be appreciated for the effort you put into something but their gratitude or lack thereof should not be something to look forward to. I learned from fixing that stubborn acer and if i come across a similar problem its going to take me less than no time to fix it.

Challenges makes life worth more than the routine that it usually is.

-ONWARD

mothers day in church

Yeah i know, i know, mothers day was two days ago. On sunday the kids in church decided to show their appreciation to their mummys with dances and honest words about how they love mummy, one said sorry mummy for being naughty or something like that :) so cute.

Its interesting you know, when i asked people if they called their moms the response i get but my favourite has to be sy's one. His mom was so surprised he called and she was like wah you call me ah? what do you want to say? come on? haha. So cute. Yeah i called my mom too and she was apologising for not calling as often but i said mothers day is one day you wait for people to call you :)







-ONWARD

thoughts on kimi ni todoke (1-25end)

True to for, i finished all 25 episodes of kimi ni todoke last week. The plan was to take one episode a day but things didn't go according to plan. I felt there should be a second season however i've not done any digging to confirm this but the end was not conclusive. There was the impression that things will continue where they left off in the future.

Overall i would rate it a solid 8.5 out of 10. This is an arbitrary number of course and reflects my bias :p but as love stories go this one is one of the well told ones. I'm sure going to miss the closing theme song :sigh:

-ONWARD

The unspoken become secrets because no one asked.

-ONWARD

Rediscover You

My new favourite song. I've not really listened to much of Starfield, thought they were a rock band but they're not. Rediscover you is the cry of my heart from the album The Saving One.



Lyrics

-ONWARD

kimi ni todoke

While i prefer action anime like bleach, gundam and dragonball - I'm really enjoying dragonball kai now especially after ep 54 with the return of freeza and bleach just came out of another filler, on off seasons like these I like to watch something different. Last year was sora no manimani, a rather funny anime, something light to unwind to.

This year it was difficult knowing what to watch as my regular source of anime (my housemate) has been too busy to recommend new anime for me :( After spending some time in anidb kimi ni todoke turned out to be highly recommended by the reviewers. I'm lucky they only started in 2009 and the seeds are still quite active so getting all... now 12 of 25 episodes was easy thanks to fansubs and [Eclipse] subs.

I guess part of the reason i like it is because i can relate to the characters in some way. Worth the watch if you're into this kind of thing. I leave you now with the opening theme song.



-ONWARD

One can go crazy wondering about this and that. Worry is an endless pit.

-ONWARD

"Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy,”Easy” doesn’t enter into grown-up life."

-Michael Cane - The Weatherman

via yearslater
-ONWARD

changing seasons

One thing I have learned over the years on this blog is control. There are times when i feel like man, I've got to write about that and you know there are a lot of ideas in my head but most times they're not ready to be expressed or not necessary. So yeah control. Its better to think things through than just pour out raw emotions on the internet for everyone to read and form opinions about you.

The past few weeks have been difficult. I had a packed schedule and faced some normal life difficulties but things are looking up.

Its that time again, the changing of seasons. For me i will no longer be president of vcf. I have really enjoyed my time as leader although looking back i would say i make a better follower than a leader. It has its perks but I know i'm not ready to lead a group of people. But the experience was great and i have a new found respect for people who lead well.

As a leader you make lots of decisions everyday. And most of them don't just affect you, they affect everyone thats under your influence. Suddenly you have to be careful what you say, what you do...things like that. Decisions are never easy. You cannot satisfy everyone and that cannot be your goal. There will be people who either misunderstand, or simply refuse to agree with you and thats fine. I think it helps you be a better leader, having some trouble :) but for me i think its important that whatever decision you make, you are at peace with it. And you are prepared to live with the consequences. Good or bad.

Besides Jesus, i don't know of any leader who never made a wrong decision. Something that seemed right at the time, an oversight or just a mis-judgement. Some of the best leaders are haunted by some wrong decisions they have made and that makes them better. Because it brings you to a point you don't ever want to be in again. And you never forget. But just like relationships, you remember the good times more.

-ONWARD

I think the worst feeling in the world is being misunderstood.

-ONWARD

Just read this from an email.

God wants you to be in regular, close fellowship with other believers so you can develop the skill of loving. Love cannot be learned in isolation. You have to be around people---irritating, imperfect, frustrating people.

While true, most of the times i find that people often misunderstand motives even when they have been declared. And that is sad.

-ONWARD

finally home

I just discovered this song and I can't turn it off. Finally home by mercyme



-ONWARD

Today

Today in church in the midst of filled tummys and sleepy heads we were reminded to be humble. God stands in the way of the proud but gives grace to the humble. The point was made that in today's world being humble sometimes means you have to admit that you don't know something that would indicate that you are weak and nobody wants to appear weak because you get picked on and bullied. We rather put a front than admit it.

But today i learned that its better to be humble even though you might be thought less of and probably picked on because "...God gives grace to the humble and stands in the way of the proud..." because pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. So i'm thankful for that, so that next time when i have to admit i don't know something in class and have everyone go huh? It'll be easier knowing that He's got my back.

Today i read that Colour blindness is an inherited disorder caused by the absence of a cone cell in the eye and its more common in males than females. In extreme cases you can only see black and white. Imagine a world without colour! I'm glad i can see colours and most of my cells don't seem to be missing. Another chance to be thankful :)

Thank you father for making me so wonderfully complex, for knitting me inside my mother's womb, for knowing me before i was. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. Thank you that i can see colour and i know the difference between right and wrong, sometimes :)

-ONWARD

msn messages (part 3)

I have a full list tonight and as usual my friends never disappoint with their status messages. Enjoy.

1. bk in action
2. Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you"
3. akustatik
4. God bless everybody in the world
5. what if His people pray..
6. Honest to God i'd break your heart: Tear you to pieces and Rip you apart
7. chuck & sara
8. [japanese words] I long for U~
9. finally
10. Let's go 2 Nome
11. oth t pu yin vww!!!!!!
12. I see your true colours shinning through... that's why I love you...
13. internet connection is terrible
14. When love is real, it finds a way
15. no water ahhhhhh...
16. I just need to spend one moment with you.
17. Taking chances...:)
18. [obscene word] everyone love ur life

Entertaining as usual. And again nothing repeating from last time and the time before.

-ONWARD

the world according to apple

I'm sure by now you are sick as I am by the relentless news about the iPad, Apple's latest definition of the future of computing. I read mostly tech news and I've been following the rumours and the reviews of the iPad and here are my thoughts.

It all started when people started to ask Steve Jobs about what Apple's answer will be to the pervasive netbook. And for the record I hate netbooks. I think jobs is right by calling them nothing more than under-powered cheap laptops. Their keyboards are small, the screen is small, their processors are slow, you'll be lucky if you can do anything worthwhile on those things. So netbooks are bad and Apple has developed a reputation for changing some of the bad things in this world.

It all started with the iPhone, the phone that was designed to change the industry, the way we communicate. Prior to the iPhone there was Nokia, SonyEricsson and Motorola. And they dazzled us with their designs, I remember the N95 with its double slider was all the rave back then until the iPhone showed up in the US with people sneaking out of work to get in line with the rest of their friends who took the day off to get the iPhone on launch day. With its slick design, thin candy bar form factor, smooth touch surface and apps. Yeah apps were the game changer for Apple. They changed the market. They changed some of our behaviours and in a few years they have taken over as the market leader among all the mobile devices manufacturers. It helped that they already have the iTunes store and a lot of people used to buying music, movies online from apple so the app store was successful because of a previous Apple invention.

The iPod was instant love. In a world where mp3 players were uninspiring Apple stepped in to change all that with design. The iPod is an icon. It was not just another mp3 player it was an iPod, it played music on this gorgeous white device with an intuitive control and a store that turned many away from torrents.

When you trace it back it kind of feels like it was all part of the plan. Everything we have now was just building on what we have become used to. The iPod, the iTunes store, the iPhone, the app store and now the iPad and the iBookstore where Apple will be attempting to change the world of computing once again. Whether they success or not well time will tell.

After much exposure to reviews and videos of the device, i can see myself wanting one. Its much better than a netbook. I can see myself reading lecture slides off of it, poking people on facebook and twitting from it. I guess it unties me from the desk where i consume information. And for consuming all things media this is a great device. I think it will do very well in the campus environment. I don't need to print my tutorial sheets anymore. And when you get bored you have thousands of apps, to keep you occupied.

From a technical standpoint i don't like that the iPad is closed. You can't modify the device to do anything that the manufacturer does not provide. You don't have access to the file system, you can write scripts for this device so in that sense its closed and i fear that this will become the future of computing since most people just love to copy Apple so that saddens me.

Apple has taken it upon itself to move technology forward but always at some cost. I remember when the floppy disk was omitted from the first iMacs in '98 i thought it was silly but we needed to let go of the old and embrace the new (USB ports). I just hope we won't be sorry.

-ONWARD

this and everyday

So i've not done this in a while but i think i should. Holidays are good, they refresh your spirit and soul, they make you think, they make you thankful.

Today i'm thankful for God's grace over my life. All things considered i consider myself among the very blessed people of this world. To think that even before i was born i was known is overwhelming. And all my mistakes have been taken into account so that someone is working tirelessly through the process of my life and development to give me that expected end, that there is just love that is too much.

So i'm thankful today and everyday for life, for a roof over my head, for good health, for family and friends. Not because i know i have to but because i want to and yes because i have to. Because i'm not ungrateful. So thank you my Father for today and everyday :) i'll learn to make it up to you.

-ONWARD

wait

If there's one thing i learn from doing alpha is that when we pray there are three outcomes. God may say yes, no or wait.

I've been asking a lot of when? questions. Its not easy going through life acting like i'm fine because i'm not. I mean i am fine just not really and there's nothing anyone can do to help. This is between me and my God.

We are all work in progresses. And God who began this work in you will continue his work until it is finally finished. So on whether I get this or get that or be this or be that there's a wait. There's a wait for a reason because there's a lot that you can learn from being patient that helps keep whatever you get longer and builds you up to be someone of character that nothing else can teach. Yes its not easy but if you can't take it anymore do what David did in the Psalms and pour our your heart to him. Do what Jacob did and wrestle with him. I say this to myself too...FIGHT! Fight. But wait because i believe when everything is set, nothing can stop it. And it will taste good, it will feel good and you will remember and you will treasure it.

-ONWARD

when you pray

I was going through some old stuff and found notes i took in my first camp at Siar beach on prayer and i'm sharing :)

The Lord's prayer brings to focus our lives. God wants to talk to me everyday, every time. Matt. 6:5 In a way we die, our spirits die if we don't hear from the Father.

To hear from God
Don't try to impress people or please people. To hear God you must want to hear him more than anyone else. Learn to live for an audience of one (God).

Put God first. Remove all distractions (mobile phones, computer). God speaks when you are still and listening.

When you pray don't say a lot of stupid rubbish, meaningless thing but share what is going on inside you, whats in your heart. God is close not distant.

Hallowed be your name (my God is the greatest)
When we say these words, we are putting God in his right place and just surrender to Him.

This was from pastor bruce.He sent me a christmas card once and spelt my name ouchi :)

-ONWARD

on adapting

I've been in this country for a long time now. I remember days when my stable food was bread because i couldn't eat anything else. Now i have to think hard about stuff i don't eat or not. I don't like durians, tried them and they are not for me.

I think when you come to a new place its important to learn about the culture and customs of this new place. It tells the people that you respect their way of life. They start to accept you and only then are they interested in you, where you come from and how you own culture works. I see a lot of similarities between Asian culture and some African culture, since i've never been to another African country apart from Nigeria and yes Africa is NOT a country, its a continent just like Asia, or Europe and they're a lot of different countries and they speak a lot of different languages, just in my country alone there are more than 200 languages. So how do we communicate? English. Albeit a contextualised version of the language. Where was I? Oh yeah similarities.

In my house, in Nigeria we don't wear shoes or slippers in the house, same here in Malaysia. We don't necessarily have to sit on the table to eat i mean whatever is comfortable for you. The older people are treated with respect, and kids who don't conform to this kind of behaviour are a headache to their parents. Same here i suppose...you get my point.

So why am i bring this up? I think its a shame to come to a new place, a new culture and still live within your own cultural bubble. I think its a waste of opportunity and while there way be degrees of acceptance there should generally be no ethnocentrism. Yeah big word. It basically means that my culture is better than yours so i won't try to understand why you do the things you do because its just wrong from my point of view.

Why is any of this important? We had an interesting chat just randomly, my friends and I and I realised how un-African i have become since coming here. Its not that i don't care about my culture, I do, i miss it very much but there are aspects of it that are pointless, meaningless and should die. I realise that its easier for me to relate with a non-African, not because i'm biased but because i guess i lost my point of reference. I don't know how to connect with them, what to say, and they look at me funny, but it doesn't bother me. I'm used to all that. Sometimes you have to have thick skin :)

I guess what i'm trying to say is that all cultures are good to the extent that they are good and for an outsider its important to learn something new from someone new and different. And the goal is not to become like them, but to become comfortable ultimately in both your native culture and that of your adopted one so that when someone talks about you in hokkein you know what to say back. But more importantly people don't see you as a threat but as one of them because we are all connected.

-ONWARD

into the unknown

Every time i stare at this editor i try my best not to be too preachy but i always fail. For some time now there's a lot that has been in my mind. A lot that have been going on within, some very new. Experiences that i've never had before, some things that i'm not proud and stuff.

This semester will be my last as a VCF committee member. I remember how i came to vcf. I remember kimberly asking me if i want to become a cell group leader even before i left kuching. I was assisting Diana in the Friday cell group. Last time it used to be in campus from 12 to 2 since everyone is free. And then i moved to luke's cell group on monday i think delany and felicia were all new and shy :) I think that was my favourite cell group. Some how they made it fun and interesting. We didn't do deep bible study but always had icebreakers and some games, and some times light refreshment. And then i was asked to be in the committee.

I think i called michael telling him i could not handle this. And he said for most of the challenges in life we are not prepared for them. For most things we just go in faith. I was elected to be in the caring ministry with chuma. It was an opportunity for me to learn about myself and to learn to serve this wonderful fellowship. In the first half of our term i struggled a lot. Part of my duty is to get speakers for our fortnightly celebrations and it was not easy to find people, have them confirm and all within the time frame. I quickly learned to plan ahead and be ready for an alternative plan if things changed.

I remember that i preferred to work independently, i don't think i gave chuma a lot of opportunities, yeah like i said i learned a lot about myself. Not justifying my actions but i find it easier, less stressful not relying on people because there are a lot of things that could come up 'excuses' and stuff but i think it was a wrong move.

Being in the caring ministry opened my eyes a bit to see everyone i vcf and everyone that was not part of vcf but was suppose to be. And in my heart i always wanted the fellowship to grow, i felt so welcomed and i wanted the new students to feel the same way but for some reason over time it seemed like there was not much interest, in general among the students in the things the things that we do. Or was it that we didnt reach out to them enough. I dunno i just feel like that. And then there was the case of our previous members who joined other cell groups and didn't come anymore, some just drifted away without any reason. i guess those were the sad moments.

Last year to my shock i was elected president. I was not expecting that at all. I feel like i don't deserve the position and i fought against it be in the end with tears and an unwilling heart i went on. Our first  semester as a new committee was very shaky. We were all new to this committee thing. Making decisions for the fellowship, changing some of our long standing traditions. I guess we took some bold steps. Not sure if they were the right ones but maybe time will tell.

When i look back and  i shared this in our last meeting. I see my life in Curtin as fulfilling. I've never thought of how it would have been if i was not involved with vcf or any clubs. Maybe i'll be a nerd or a geek or not. But i know it won't be as fulfilling. I would have missed all the meetings, the birthday celebrations, the sports events, the troubles, yes those too. They make life interesting. The goodbyes, the celebrations, and all the opportunity to serve. Yes its very tiring but after the hard work is done there's yeah the word is fulfillment.

The first steps to something big can be sometimes scary because its unknown, uncharted territory, there's no preparation but when we put our trust in the one who makes all things possible, we start to see that what was scary was really nothing to be afraid of. This is the season where a new committee will be formed to run the fellowship for another year. As someone who has been there, done that i would like to confirm that God is able to keep you from falling and present you faultless... that his strength is made manifest in your weakness. That when you lack wisdom and you ask for it, you really do receive. And yes we are not worthy of any good thing we get from God, we are not worthy to lead God's people but who he called he justifies, and who he justifies he glorifies.

In closing i'm reminded to think of my challenges as opportunities to learn more about myself, about other people, and to learn to trust God because thats what faith is.

-ONWARD

parts of the brain by brain

-ONWARD

quote from a friend

Nothing is forever, only God is.

Simple words but it resonates in my heart especially at this time.

-ONWARD

you are near

I love this song from the first time i heard it back when i was still in kuching. I remember i had a blank cd lying around and asked my friend to burn it to cd for me and i borrowed a cd player from michael. I hadn't bought Ben yet. Everytime i hear this song i am reminded of my old room in pleasant courts where i dealt with being alone, missing home and family and how i managed to pull through.

These few days i've been a bit under the weather. Its a good thing it started with my last class for the week and i'm getting better. Been spending more of my time at home, not doing anything in particular, trying to rest and being careful about what i eat. Last time i felt this way was when i had chocolate mint cake a few months ago. In these few days i can say i have felt peace. There's not the usual chaos that greets every week. Sure i have a tutorial to prepare for this monday, i have to get people to volunteer to be security tuesday and wednesday, there's the meeting this saturday and then the student council proposal thingy and so on but i feel peace.

Church was good :) I've got to say my best part of sunday service is the singing and then the message, everything else is good but not as good. I guess its true, we really need to be reminded more than we need to be instructed and I was reminded of my responsibility to myself to know God in a personal way. I've been slacking for some reason but God has been faithful.

It feels good doing the right thing, going against the norm. It may not be popular but in the end there's the peace that you have done what is right.

-ONWARD

i made some changes

As you can see. This is not the original design i had in mind and was working towards but this its close enough. Blogger has this thing where you can design your own template just by making a few choices. You will have to login using draft.blogger.com I don't think it works on the regular blogger accounts yet but its really cool so try it out. Here's a video from the blogger team showing off what's possible.



I may continue on my original template if i have the time but for now this will do.

-ONWARD

on learning

I love to play badminton. Since i discovered the game i've always wanted a chance to play. But you can entertain yourself by just watching me play, i suck at the game. I miss the shuttlecock a lot, i don't hold the racket properly and i've developed a habit of hitting my knee when i smash real hard.

There are some days when the suck factor is higher than others. After such days i ask myself why do i even play this stupid game? I don't play the game to become a professional or anything just for the fun of it yet i feel frustrated when that return hit the net. How come? I guess i push myself a lot in certain areas. I feel after some time of playing this game some aspects of my game will improve or maybe i'm so focused on being better i don't see the small improvement? Have I improved at all? I dont think i can say that but really thats how we learn.

In this 21st century we are so used to things that are fast, internet, computer and so on that we expect everything to be like that. And to be fair we are expected to learn fast, adapt fast understand fast or be left behind. Somethings really take time and the time is not a constant. Granted there are people who learn really fast but not everyone is like that.

I guess the observation i'm trying to share is that if you do something often enough you will get better at it. It doesn't matter if you see it or not but there's always improvement depending on the amount of effort you put in. And its nice to celebrate or at least acknowledge these improvements, let them motivate you as you move on to other things.

-ONWARD

as lights

I spent a few minutes thinking how to start this but then decided just to write. Ok so before leaving kuching i had lunch with a close friend. I've always wanted to see more from him. I've always wanted him to be more active in church and stuff but talking to him made me think. He encouraged me without realising it.

He shared about his struggles and how God has led him through. How he had to let go of all his plans and dreams before God stepped in and opened a new way. And how through being a real friend he won his over housemate from the 'darkside'. And there's nothing spiritual in what he shared. Sure there was God but it was not in a religious spiritual way it was, i felt natural.

Naturally i reflected on that and thought what am I doing? How have I changed someone's life? I'm usually very hard on myself thats why sometimes it can seem like nothing is enough. I see only my mistakes and never some of the successes and improvements and being in an Asian culture does not help.

One thing he said that i agree with like totally is that we are all alone. Everyone of us. Yes we have friends and family around to support us but there are somethings in life that you go through alone. Where no one either can or will give you a hand with. I noted that it was a selfish world. Everyone is out for themselves. Its kind of depressing actually but thats real. Yet through everything we are not truly alone. For those who believe in Jesus, there's someone to turn to in these times, and its not just anyone. He doesn't get bored or tired or depressed with all your stories and emo-ness. He doesn't just listen, He offers help and healing.

The semester starts Monday and I've been here before. Another semester, i don't know what will hold. There's fear from the past. Uncertainty. Doubt. But these are not things that will help me go through everything i have to face. They will not aid me. So just now after playing badminton for a while, i went out for some air and to talk to myself. Faith is a wonderful powerful thing. So is love and if i want to make it through this semester and accomplish all that i want to accomplish. Faith Hope and Love must be my companions.

Something my mom always tell me. She always reminds me of David. When David encouraged himself in the Lord. With all that the world throws at people, sometimes the only cheerleader we have is our own self.

-ONWARD

home dusty home

Every time it comes for me to leave Kuching i feel sappy. The happy part having my room back with internet. There's no one here now so its kind of fast even though we've not paid the bill for more than 3months tsk tsk.

It so happens that i'm always the first to arrive so all the cleaning is on me. The house is tidy just dusty from inactivity for such a long time.

My landlord was nice enough to cut the grass. I just saw the neighbour's lawn overgrown with grass the height of an average human. But its good to be back.

I'm looking forward to this semester and the concluding one after it. I think its time to go back home :)

Ok i'll go clean now. My nose can't take it. Good thing i still have a box of tissues.

-ONWARD

on v-day

I know the 14th was 4 days ago but i'm bored so I might as well. Since it was Sunday and since it was the first day of the Chinese New Year, there was church service. Its a good thing pastor is not a Chinese. Understandably most of the congregation where Nigerian and there was no worship just the word. It felt different but good.

I got a call from my mum wishing me a happy valentines day. For some reason i found it to be strange. I also got a Facebook message from my sister with a long to Brooke Fraser's desert song video. I miss them, my family. Especially in this season when everyone comes back home.

Anyway i thought this picture was appropriate so there you go.

School starts 1st of March. I leave Kuching on the 22nd of February. Gonna miss it here.

-ONWARD

photo credit david_a_lea

wolfman

Kong Hei Kong Hei. So a whole bunch of us went out yesterday to see Wolfman. After seeing the trailer i could not make up my mind if it was a horror movie or not.

Before i go any further i must say that the vampire/werewolf genre is saturated already. We have seen everything from twilight to blade and there's no more story there so hollywood, move on.

I don't have much to say about the movie except that it tries to be scary but its not. It certainly is gruesome, there's a lot of blood and arm ripping by a renegade werewolf. Not much in the way of humour also. There's no real story. Again they try to add a love story but it didn't really hold.

Overall it was a disappointing experience. I guess all 14+ of us were tired of house visiting and wanted a change in pace. I will rate the movie a mediocre 4.5 out of 10.

-ONWARD

dell inspiron 1420 graphics card issue

I felt compelled to share a bit of my experience with my computer. 2 years ago i bought my current Dell Inspiron 1420 {Delia} with the Nvidia Geforce 8400m gs graphics card because my previous computer, a BenQ Joybook 2000e, {Ben} one of the first notebooks the company release lacked one so I didn't get to play serious games on it. I miss Ben especially the fan noise. Its easy to mistake it with a plane's engine.

I've always regarded Dell's customer service to be one of the best. This and the customization feature on their website contributed to my decision to get one. In the 2 years since I've had Delia I've not run into any problems what so ever. There have always been a suspicion that the fan may be blocked which explains some of the heat issues I've been experiencing but no deal breaker. Until a few days ago after using it for a while, I shut down and headed for home only to turn it back again and be greeted by a blank screen.

There was no familiar Dell logo and the option to choose between windows 7 and ubuntu. Nothing. So as you can imagine i freaked out. This is not the kind of thing you want to experience when your warranty expires. After exhausting all alternative options i called the Dell helpline and took the option to extend my warranty since they didn't provide any other alternative. It was that or nothing. The nice lady didn't expect me to complain about my computer having display issues but I didn't care. I explained that this issue is suppose to be resolved by Dell since its a known defect with this particular graphics card and I read online on the Dell forum that they were providing replacement motherboards for customers worldwide with this issue free of charge so I made my claim and sure enough one day later I get a call from one of the Dell technical officers with a replacement motherboard. He even cleaned my heatsink and thats where I found out the heatsink was blocked with dust and stuff.

What have I learned?
Know your rights. I think its dubious of Dell to keep quiet when they know this is an issue. And i think they don't do well to inform their customers. I would expect a recall of all the 142o models and a change in either firmware or graphics card. They are big. They can pressure Nvidia to deal with this issue.

Extend your warranty. Yes the computer was dirt cheap but there's a reason for that. They don't make them last so they recover some of their money with warranty costs. From what I understand from the technician, its cheaper if you extend before it runs out. Here too Dell is dubious.

Backup. I was not too scared to lose my data even though I didn't since most of the important documents are in a separate harddrive sitting at home in miri. My songs are on a separate harddrive, portable enough to carry about. Same goes to my pictures.

Get your hands dirty. I know for some people opening up a computer is a scary thing. For me its not. I can't count the number of things i've ruined just because I was too curious and got a screw driver. Especially for laptops its good housekeeping to open the heatsink once in a while and by a while i mean months to clean it, get rid of the dust and things that clog up the vents.

Stay aware. In this age of the internet, ignorance is not an excuse. Make sure you know atleast the basics about your computer. The make, model, and components inside. Occasionally go to manufacturers websites and look for updates to the firmware on your system.

Hope it helps. Gong xi fa cai to all the chinese :)

-ONWARD

again and again

We've been going through the book of John as a church using a system called SPEAK. Basically you read a section of the bible and you try to see if there's a Sin to confess, a Promise to keep, an Error to avoid, and Action to take and a Knowledge of God to retain and its been really good.

The first week has been 'ok la' but this week has been different. I feel like i really get something out of it. Because i lead devotion for a bunch of kids every morning monday to friday, i've been forced to actually do my 'speak' and one recurring theme so far i've found in the book of John is Jesus professing who he is to the people. On and on you will see this. He's telling them i am the way, i am the light in the darkness, i am the messiah but yet they don't seem to get it. They are more concerned about punishing him for healing on the sabbath day.

This morning in devotion, well actually last night it came on so strongly. There are things in our lives that Jesus or God, which ever you prefer has been reminding us over and over again but we don't seem to get the message. Its not sunk in yet. For me its been this phrase 'be strong and courageous'. From my first camp to last night when i was chatting with a friend. She just said it as a kind of encouragement but i know its more than that. Am i listening? Or am i busy with other things?

I've been blessed to have the life that i have and although i don't do it a lot, i want to thank God for his love for me and for persisting on my behalf.

-ONWARD

candlelight

I'm on a Relient K overdose. I just love their forget and not slow down album. Here's candlelight my current favourite song :)

-ONWARD