Sunday service today was extra special for me. Not because pastor made a joke at my expense. Its always special to sing in church, I enjoyed it much more today. The message was spot on again. Thats one of the things I love about Calvary.
Bitterness
So all the nonsense that has happened in all these years have happened and it has changed who I am. I wish I can say for the better but time will tell. Bitterness is bad. It makes you pessimistic, doubtful and where there is doubt, faith is far. I have failed, I have disappointed myself and my family, I have hit bottom, I have asked myself, whats the point. I have lost the will to fight. What's the point? Things are bad, I have a dozen worries I have suspended thought on because I can't live that way. I think about the future, and wonder what it holds for me. Through all this its hard to keep faith. Its easy to blame someone and be bitter. But there's no future there.
In something like almost 10 years I've never been to a hospital for some serious sickness. Breezed past h1n1 even though my immune system is not the strongest, besides the occasional flu and headaches I've had excellent health. That's just a miracle. For all the time I've been here, I've not begged for money, and its not because I'm from a rich family or anything. I think its just someone up there sustaining me and my siblings.
Everywhere I go, there are people I know who are real friends, some family so i'm never alone in this land. I could go on with a lot of things that are good that I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy because of God's grace. Yes things are not ideal but when is anything ideal? If there's one light, no matter how dim, i'm going to hold on to it. Not giving up yet baby :)
Today I watched the last episode of Lost and it was nice to see all the cast together in the end after all they had been through in the island, the reunion of all the dead ones, finally time to reflect and thank each other. Everything seems to make sense. All the problems were just stories of survival and perseverance. Kind of reminds me of heaven.
Change my heart Oh Lord, make it ever new. Change my heart Oh Lord, may I be like you.
-ONWARD