140

Its the last day of October, and my 140th post, and also about 14days to my first paper. Also i have a quiz to study for today. It carries no marks but its another preparation for the big day.

I'm tempted to say, no more internet, no more blogging, from now on its study study study but it just doesn't work for me. I have a rather short attention span.

We had two friends from Youth With A Mission based in the Hawaiian island of Maui last night in our life group. They shared a bit on how prayer has helped them along their ministry to the people mostly in Borneo and how they were suppose to just pass by miri to Brunei for an opportunty to speak there but amongst them was a South African and he was denied entry. Apparently he needs a visa, like me.

One thing that i was reminded of, and its interesting how these things keep coming up is how prayer is suppose to be a communication with God and not just a request time. I quote one of my favourite quotes on prayer and God, "God is not a celestial vending machine..."

Many times prayer can be relegated to morning s and evenings but what happens to the rest of the day? Ah! so busy, no time for anything. True but what is really important? I must say this is how my days have been for a while now, school has been so engaging that i hardly think about God as the day progresses.

There's nothing, in all our pursuits thats more important than that relationship with God, and relationships need communication to survive.

I want to talk to you more Lord, everyday, to find a chance to know what you want. What can i do for you for a change?

~shalom~

thank God for today

What an eventful day. I thank God for this day. Yesterday i was so fed up i considered shutting down this blog because i thought to myself, whats the point? I set up this blog for two reason, the first is to give glory to God and be an encouragement however i can, and the other is to connect with friends and keep in touch with everyone and lately i feel i've not been fulfilling any of these objectives and if not for the crappy internet i get that didn't let me connect, the post would have gone up and that would be it but thank God for today.

So what happened today?
Well it actually started yesterday when we went to EYM and discussed about the life of Joseph how he had a God perspective in everything, we never find him bitter through all the misfortunes and wickedness that his own brothers showed towards him, he didnt let that change him, he didnt hold it against him, and he kept performing at his best even in the lowest demoralising situations where he would have sulked and felt pity for himself. He didnt, and he was a human being like me. We also talked about monuments and how they make us remember the past or something significant, and how we can build monuments that remind us of the unfairness and hurt that we go through. I remembered the sad messages i hung on to and how it reminded me of all the hurts and promptly deleted them. Its so true bah.

So what happened today?
Well today i got a taste of a Nigerian service in the form of pastor Gbenga. He was talking about knowing who you are, and how you cannot know who you are until you know whose you are. We belong to God yeah true but how much of this God do we really know? Can we stand like puny {I've been longing to use the word puny} David in the face of Goliath the Giant and call him names when the other more qualified soldiers are shaking in their boots? Can we make fun of the priests of baal like Elijah? I was really challenged today, but felt a bit worried for the Malaysians that had to listen to this typical Nigerian service, with the yelling and shouting but i feel they enjoyed Pastor Gbena's active illustrations :)

Where do you go from here?
I'm really tired of feeling sorry for myself, whats done is done, and there's nothing that i can do to change that. All i have is today, all i can do is live every today for God so that when i retire at the end of the day i can be satisfied that i'm living according to his purposes. For ALL THINGS work together for the good for those who love God, to them that are called according to his purposes.

My offering stays...

~shalom~

I am not alright

There's the song from i think its ReliantK and part of this song says 'I am not alright, i broken inside, broken inside...' Today i feel kind of like that. I dunno why but i just feel kind of depressed at the moment. No i'm not scared to say it, i feel i need to be honest about certain things. My mom always say identifying the a problem is the first part to solving a problem and she's right.

Maybe it was all the sad messages i read last night. I dont know why i still hang on to them but i like collecting things and part of me feels its historical and should stay but i cannot keep them at the expense of my well-being.

I went to the shower this morning and just thanked God for everything that has happened over the years, i remembered thinking to myself some years back before i came to Malaysia how i didnt want to become a doctor, besides being terrified of blood and not fancying reading the volumes that made up biology. I remember thinking of the enormous responsibility doctors have, and how the life of someone is in their hands and if they make even the slightest error it could cost the life of a father, breadwinner or a soulmate. The fear of that responsibility griped me and as i thought of it this morning it became apparent that even as an engineer they also have this responsibility of human lives albeit in an indirect way. And even programmers who make softwares carry some weight of this responsibility. And i thought of how i have carried my responsibility out and how i keep failing in them.

But i find it equally interesting that God allows these things to happen, someone once asked me why God allows people to fail even when he can help, and she answered her own question when she said it was to develop a greater trust and faith in us but there's one more thing that i see. The way i see God is as someone who is infinitely wiser and better than me in everything i do or even think is possible. And Jesus feels what we feel but through it all he's perfecting us, making us more like him, more like what we are created for. So even though there's pain and anger and unanswered questions and dare i say doubt? He's looking at what you will become after its all over. And thats the joy, thats what we should be looking at but man is so nearsighted that all we see is now and the immediate.

I just finished class still down my friend came online and asked if i have ever been angry with someone and we talked for a while and i discovered he's just like me, broken inside but we managed to {in a few words} look at anger with God's perspective. And that we have a choice to shun the wrong and do the right.

Just now i went to jolina's blog and she had this all familiar quote

Life can give us a hundred reasons to cry ='(
But we can give a thousand reasons to smile =)

And just reading that i felt encouragement, and looking at my site records i discovered there were two visits to the post i made before leaving Kuching adequately titled think about his love and I cannot help but feel God reaching out to me on this one day i feel very weird inside. So i live you with the lyrics to the song, think about his love, praying that he will indeed satisfy your desires.

Think About His Love
- Written by: Walt Harrah -
© 1987 Integrity's Hosanna! Music

Think about His love
Think about His goodness
Think about His grace
That's brought us through

For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's love
Great is the measure of our Father's love

How could I forget His love
How could I forget His mercy
He satisfies - He satisfies
He satisfies my desires
Great is the measure of our Father's love

~shalom~

getting to know you.

Some of you may be unaware but i have this neat tool provided by google no surprise, that lets me get useful statistics about this site. For example. I know that most people who visit this blog are from malaysia, mostly in kuching, miri and some other parts of west Malaysia. More on that in a moment. I also know that more people prefer to use firefox than internet explorer which is a good thing. And the most commonly used screen resolution is 1024x768 {same as mine} along with other useful data.

Why do i need this?
Curiousity they said killed the cat which is why i'm glad i'm not a cat but i guess i just need to know. I don't have people's ip addresses for example, that would be stalking. But i'm fascinated to know people visit the site from all over the world. I've had hits from Japan {hey i'm Japanese bah}, South Africa, UK {wonder who that could be?}, Sweden, Germany, Indonesia, Australia, Canada, but a lot lately from the US and consistently too.

What do you know?
I know this much, my dedicated US reader is in the state of virginia, you use windows most of the time but also linux sometimes, visits regularly and by the time spent on the site i'm guessing he/she {i'll just call you dude}, dude reads most of my post but never comments or anything. So please dude {sorry if you're a girl} please reveal yourself. I hope i don't shock you with the revelation but the truth is many sites these days use these tools to better target their customers and content. While it is most unlikely i will tailor the posts here to suit anyone in particular, it would help me to be more aware and explain things everyday Malaysians would understand.

In west Malaysia, I get people from Kajang. Do i know anyone in Kajang? Please say hello la. I'm not begging for comments just want to know who you is. If you need to remain anonymous its fine, i hope the blog is a blessing to you.

~shalom~

without you

Big daddy weave is among one of my favourite artists because of the quality of his lyrics. These days you listen to 'christian songs' and don't feel like you're praising God or anything. Its nice but lacks a certain something that makes you feel better and they tend to lift you high temporarily. Sad that christian songs have become so secular.

I like this song because its very relevant to my life at the moment and i feel i'm not the only one. Besides that its a nice song. I can't live without you, i dont wanna try to, live one more moment without you - beautiful.

Without you - big daddy weave

Would we hear the sound
Of breathing in the dark
Where would be life’s spark
Without You
Would the birds ever sing
Would the wind move through the trees
Could I touch the grass so green
Under this big sky be so blue
Without You

And the sun doesn’t shine
And my world stops spinnin’ round
Without You
Tell me where else could I ever find
The peace that floods this heart of mine
Without You

Who could fill, the emptiness inside
Who would ease the pain, in my broken heart
Who would come in and abide
Promise never to depart
Without You

I can’t live without You
I don’t want to try to
Live one more moment without You

This is my prayer Lord.

~shalom~