Maybe it was all the sad messages i read last night. I dont know why i still hang on to them but i like collecting things and part of me feels its historical and should stay but i cannot keep them at the expense of my well-being.
I went to the shower this morning and just thanked God for everything that has happened over the years, i remembered thinking to myself some years back before i came to Malaysia how i didnt want to become a doctor, besides being terrified of blood and not fancying reading the volumes that made up biology. I remember thinking of the enormous responsibility doctors have, and how the life of someone is in their hands and if they make even the slightest error it could cost the life of a father, breadwinner or a soulmate. The fear of that responsibility griped me and as i thought of it this morning it became apparent that even as an engineer they also have this responsibility of human lives albeit in an indirect way. And even programmers who make softwares carry some weight of this responsibility. And i thought of how i have carried my responsibility out and how i keep failing in them.
But i find it equally interesting that God allows these things to happen, someone once asked me why God allows people to fail even when he can help, and she answered her own question when she said it was to develop a greater trust and faith in us but there's one more thing that i see. The way i see God is as someone who is infinitely wiser and better than me in everything i do or even think is possible. And Jesus feels what we feel but through it all he's perfecting us, making us more like him, more like what we are created for. So even though there's pain and anger and unanswered questions and dare i say doubt? He's looking at what you will become after its all over. And thats the joy, thats what we should be looking at but man is so nearsighted that all we see is now and the immediate.
I just finished class still down my friend came online and asked if i have ever been angry with someone and we talked for a while and i discovered he's just like me, broken inside but we managed to {in a few words} look at anger with God's perspective. And that we have a choice to shun the wrong and do the right.
Just now i went to jolina's blog and she had this all familiar quote
Life can give us a hundred reasons to cry ='(
But we can give a thousand reasons to smile =)
But we can give a thousand reasons to smile =)
And just reading that i felt encouragement, and looking at my site records i discovered there were two visits to the post i made before leaving Kuching adequately titled think about his love and I cannot help but feel God reaching out to me on this one day i feel very weird inside. So i live you with the lyrics to the song, think about his love, praying that he will indeed satisfy your desires.
Think About His LoveThink about His love
- Written by: Walt Harrah -
© 1987 Integrity's Hosanna! Music
Think about His goodness
Think about His grace
That's brought us through
For as high as the heavens above
So great is the measure of our Father's love
Great is the measure of our Father's love
How could I forget His love
How could I forget His mercy
He satisfies - He satisfies
He satisfies my desires
Great is the measure of our Father's love
~shalom~
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