when words fail

Yesterday I was asked to share in the wednesday meeting we have in Inti. It came as a surprise, i was totally not expecting it but i felt honour and inadequate to stand in front of everyone and share. Plus i had no idea what to share. Of course i could come up with a few things but is that what God wants me to share? 

So anyway, I prepared something, i was going to call it the difference but decided against giving the talk a title. So i just shared. I must say i'm not the most eloquent when it comes to giving talks or presenting or sharing in this manner but i thought what the heck, when will i get the chance to speak again?

While preparing i was so excited, everything seemed to fall into place, I felt confident, planned the direction i was going to take and estimated about... just to round it off about...10mins. Its no secret that i dont talk much. 

I was excited by the book love not the world by Watchman Nee and wanted to share some of the truths i learned from the book as well as from my life experiences. Watchman was talking about this world system and how everything in it is aggressively against the kingdom of God. How the spirit of this world, controlled by Satan controls most of the activities we're involved in; education, finance, commerce, art, science, technology. He warns that as christians we should we wary every time we come in contact with the things of this world and see the world as God sees it, as condemned to death. He gave an analogy that i found very interesting. If a bank is liquidating, and news of its sudden death is well known, it would be grossly foolish to still deposit money in such a bank. Likewise since this world is fading away with everything it craves it would be grossly foolish to lay up treasures here where moth and thieves break in and steal.

He talks about salvation as the power that delivers us from the spirit of this world and not necessarily from sin, condemnation or hell. And how salvation means turning from the natural world that we are born into, into the kingdom of God wholeheartedly. Therefore at some point in our lives we must decide to follow God with all our hearts, forsaking all that is in the world and following him, severing all ties to this world and indeed hating everything that is agressive towards the Kingdom of God.

Oh how I prepared and made all the mental cues but when it came time to share its like my well organised order was scrambled and i felt like i didnt deliver what i wanted to. I kept whispering to myself ...its not suppose to be like this. My order was messed up and i felt let down. Its quite sad that i can't perform in the level that i see myself in. Always short and disappointing. I mean whats the point of knowing all these things when i cannot translate it into ways that i feel it and know it in my heart. It is most inconveniencing. My mother may be a teacher but i certainly am not.

But i feel that God's word went out and it doesnt go out without accomplishing what its meant to accomplish despite my shortcomings. I guess its a learning process. Funny when i write those "shortcomings" seem to be less obvious. A quote i came across and have been remembering alot is this: Even little people cast giant shadows when the time is right.

~shalom~

cycles

If you are quiet enough or attentive enough you will notice certain lifecycles, things, events that occur through out the day. In this post I will like to share some of the cycles in my life.

The day starts for me after 9, lets call it 10. I turn on my computer if its not already on, right after brushing my teeth and feeling fresh. Go through my mail, and then read the news, check out eurosports and read some tech news that may be of interest. While doing this i recognise the sound of my neighbour's car as they prepare to go out. My other neighbour comes back home with his white toyota corolla, not sure where he goes to but he seems to go there every morning.

At about 11:20 the school bus comes back and horns once to drop off the morning session students living in my street. At this time i get the reminder that i need to go to school and eat. While at school, i usually take my lunch, and then check if i have any mails. If i do, i'll just open it and read it there before coming back home to my computer.

At this time its getting hot so the fan will be on and soon the gas man will be blowing his distinctive horn pattern; three short hunks about 2 seconds aparts. He makes a turn and heads to the next street. My neighbour my the big beautiful house at the end of the street brings back his children from school with his white Harrier, he recently bought a new black Honda CRV, pretty car for his wife, she was using an old also back Honda CRV. I'm not sure what he does for a living because he's almost always at home. Gardening, watering the plants, going out and coming back not shortly after. On rainy days his house alarm goes off and disturbs the peace and quietness of the neighbourhood. But he looks like a nice family man.

By this time the mail men will be going from house to house on their bikes distributing mails and my neighbour's dog will always back in his usual 1-2-1 pattern, woof, woof-woof, woof. He's usually a quiet dog though i dont think he like mail men delivering 'bad news' as some people call it.

Because i love music, at this time, approaching mid afternoon and early evening, i will be listening to some of my nicely compiled playlists while reading a book or something. With the fan still on, and the book on my hand there's a slight possibility that i will fall asleep but just for a while max 30 mins.

Soon the van guy that sells bread, cola and other stuff you can eat will be coming down the street with his unique bicycle horn and his usual 3 hunk pattern while looking out for potential customers. I've been buying from him for three years now, right when i was staying on pleasant courts. He's a nice guy too. But i not buy from him every evening. He comes round about 7 in the evening.

At this time i would be at my computer again, usually mike comes online and we talk for a while, since heroes and smallville are over i dont get to watch anything so at this time i would try and see whats on ppstream. Ususally there's nothing that interest me in english so i would probably go out to see lanre or stanley if they're home but lately they have been studying too much so wont be home until late.

My day winds up with a few sms-es and and sleepy eye. :)

~shalom~

oceans 13

Last Sunday we went to the cinema to watch Oceans 13. It was weird because under normal circumstances if Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Fantastic 4 and Shrek 3 were all showing on the same night I wouldn't pick Danny Ocean and his gang. But what the heck, I didn't watch pirates 1 & 2 in the Cinema anyway and I've seen parts of Shrek 3 already so I wasn't looking forward to watching it in the big screen, and about F4 well maybe some other time.

Unlike the last movie I watched, I didn't even bother reading any review. After looking at the trailers and watching the making on tv and after watching both prequels it was time for closure. 13 sees the gang back in Las Vegas where it all started. The Belaggio job made them so hot they had to leave for Europe for better competition and to prove the Night Fox is really not match for 12 or 11 well thats the thing, I didnt really count them. They were like family. Ok let me try here, ah there's Reuben, Saul of course Danny, Rusty, Matt Damon :P, the two black guys, the Chinese guy how many now? Thats 8, hmm. I remember the two weird guys that were always arguing. And i dont know if Tess counts.

Anyway this time they didnt go bust, they came together after Reuben was treated rather bad to put it lightly and they had to get back at the fella who was brave enough to double cross one of the brothas. So the only way these crooks in suits could get at him was to bring him down, literally even though it means soliciting assistance from the guy they robbed from the last time they were in Vegas.

The story was well thought out, the plot was sweet, as the mask would say payback is so sweet ha-ha-ha, somebody stop me!

Overall it was a good movie, quite relaxing to watch, no complicated plots that would leave you thinking, hang on, what happened to... So I guess the question now is which is the best of the three since all good movies must come in three? I really liked the second one, the soundtrack still rings in my head.

Oceans 13 didnt disappoint though, a nice 8/10 from me.

~shalom~

huh?

I may not be understood in this post, so if you dont quite understand its ok. I did it on purpose but let the discerning, discern.

If there's one thing i've learnt about God its that he puts us through tests for a few reasons. One of them is to mould our character and make us more like His son Jesus. And if there's one thing i've learnt about myself, its this; i'm a slow learner when it comes to matters of character so the same tests will come over and over and over again before i finally get it. And it helps that God is patient otherwise, well lets not go there.

Humans are creatures of habit so they say and habits are easy to form but difficult to kick. Try waking up at 5 every morning for 1 week!

Almost three years ago my life changed forever, I was so happy, life couldnt be better until certain realities set in and the tests began. The root of the choices i made was been shaken to see if they were well grounded or not and i found myself doubting and feeling quite unsure about myself. I thought i was ok, things couldnt be better right. Well yes and no. Things are great but...its like this. This is the was i see it.

We all are like a log of wood just cut down, crude, raw, no very good to look at. But then God uses the people around us, friends, pastors, leaders, even his word and sometimes hard experiences to chisel us into shape. Some chisel hard and other just need to fine and smoothen and it works perfectly if we can co-operate and let them do their work in us. But most times we dont, most times i dont and just like pastor said, we become hard and so they have to chisel again and again and again until we let go and let the work be done.

One thing though in all this process is that we hurt those around us because its not entirely about us. We do not exist alone. Since eden, no one has ever been alone so God relates to us with respect to others. He uses people to get our attention and even we hurt ourselves and think its just me and God guess what, chances are you're hurting someone else too. Someone who obviously cares otherwise why would they feel it?

I was trying to explain to leslie this afternoon what it means to study computer science and went through some of the branches or areas of expertise all in an effort to elighten him and i could feel words failing me. I'm not sure if he understood even though he was kind enough to nod and seemed to agree with what i was sharing but i could feel i wasnt being clear enough. So words fail me sometimes. That is probably why this post looks very cryptic but i guess if i could show him what i meant he would appreciate it more, i guess if i could show it it would make more sense.

again my apologies...

~shalom~

think about his love

The past few days have been kind of strange for me. I've been having 'good worries' and some not to good worries but in all of it, God is in control.

In a few weeks or months, I will be leaving kuching and I remember talking with Joshua and telling him bethany is like family to me, was talking with eilyn and telling her that kuching is like my home and its kind of strange leaving this place after such a long time, so many friends to go somewhere else and start all over again. Well not really all over again but it just won't be the same.

In my time here i've really changed within, but i still dont talk much so its difficult to keep a conversation going if you dont talk much too, we just look at each other and smile once in a while hehe :p I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

After my diploma in Electrical/Electronics Engineering i had a crazy idea to do something else. Was not sure if it was the right thing to do but i was sure I was not going to continue in engineering. So i made applications and to my shock i was accepted. {Victory number 1}. As you can imagine I was thrilled and just fell down to my face and kept repeating thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to God. If you know me, then you know i'm not a very good student, i only get a few As and once i missed my exam so i had to take it again in the next semester but this was too much.

Now i had to explain to my father...oooooooow! Kept procastinating and putting it off until I got an email from the man asking me about my admission and stuff so i explained to him everything. I was very scared, didnt know what to expect from him, was very unsettled but part of me was at peace. It was like whatever it is i'll take it. He replied with a positive response and i was like God thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I really dont deserve anything good from God, but somehow He just decides to keep the smile on my face, so when you see me smiling all the time you know God has been very very GOOD to me. I feel there is more to come, more surprise as long as we remain in him. Part of the S.M.S we are doing has this very in matthew i think, or john hehe not sure now but it says If you remain in me and my word remains in you, you may ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. In another part it says the ernest expectations of the righteous will not be cut off. And my favourite part of the bible, the psalms has this in the 139th chapter about us... Every moment of our lives was laid out before a single day has passed. Every day of our life is recorded in his book.

So today, think about his love, think about his goodness and thank him :)

~shalom~