when words fail

Yesterday I was asked to share in the wednesday meeting we have in Inti. It came as a surprise, i was totally not expecting it but i felt honour and inadequate to stand in front of everyone and share. Plus i had no idea what to share. Of course i could come up with a few things but is that what God wants me to share? 

So anyway, I prepared something, i was going to call it the difference but decided against giving the talk a title. So i just shared. I must say i'm not the most eloquent when it comes to giving talks or presenting or sharing in this manner but i thought what the heck, when will i get the chance to speak again?

While preparing i was so excited, everything seemed to fall into place, I felt confident, planned the direction i was going to take and estimated about... just to round it off about...10mins. Its no secret that i dont talk much. 

I was excited by the book love not the world by Watchman Nee and wanted to share some of the truths i learned from the book as well as from my life experiences. Watchman was talking about this world system and how everything in it is aggressively against the kingdom of God. How the spirit of this world, controlled by Satan controls most of the activities we're involved in; education, finance, commerce, art, science, technology. He warns that as christians we should we wary every time we come in contact with the things of this world and see the world as God sees it, as condemned to death. He gave an analogy that i found very interesting. If a bank is liquidating, and news of its sudden death is well known, it would be grossly foolish to still deposit money in such a bank. Likewise since this world is fading away with everything it craves it would be grossly foolish to lay up treasures here where moth and thieves break in and steal.

He talks about salvation as the power that delivers us from the spirit of this world and not necessarily from sin, condemnation or hell. And how salvation means turning from the natural world that we are born into, into the kingdom of God wholeheartedly. Therefore at some point in our lives we must decide to follow God with all our hearts, forsaking all that is in the world and following him, severing all ties to this world and indeed hating everything that is agressive towards the Kingdom of God.

Oh how I prepared and made all the mental cues but when it came time to share its like my well organised order was scrambled and i felt like i didnt deliver what i wanted to. I kept whispering to myself ...its not suppose to be like this. My order was messed up and i felt let down. Its quite sad that i can't perform in the level that i see myself in. Always short and disappointing. I mean whats the point of knowing all these things when i cannot translate it into ways that i feel it and know it in my heart. It is most inconveniencing. My mother may be a teacher but i certainly am not.

But i feel that God's word went out and it doesnt go out without accomplishing what its meant to accomplish despite my shortcomings. I guess its a learning process. Funny when i write those "shortcomings" seem to be less obvious. A quote i came across and have been remembering alot is this: Even little people cast giant shadows when the time is right.

~shalom~