Closure

I've not told this story publicly but I think it's time. I want to be clear, I don't want to dig up old things or to throw anyone under the bus. I just want to express my feelings and tell my story. 

Towards the end there was a lot of confusion. There were so many stories, I was not sure what to believe. I didn't know what was true and what was lies and deceptions. I was confused. It was a transition time for me. New city, new school, new reality. I was scared too.

I got the call in the worst possible time. I remember I was at Colombia Asia getting my physical done when I heard the words, let go and let God. I was heartbroken. I cried.

The days that followed were unlike anything I had experienced prior. For the first time I felt so numb. I was depressed. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to attend class, or eat or go to church. I just wanted to sleep, and be alone. I spent all my time in my room at Curtin Villa. I would watch my roommate Agilan go for classes in the morning and come back in the evening. I turned down his invitations to have dinner together. I felt bad for doing it but I couldn't help myself.

I kept replaying the scenes of the past couple of days over and over in my mind. I kept thinking what I would have done differently. I was stuck in a loop.

With time, I found the courage to open up to some people and share what I want going through. Samson was in a similar situation at the time with his LDR and we had something in common. Talking helped. 

With time, I found the courage to attend church again. During that time it seems like the message was prepared for me and not the entire congregation, as if Pastor Hii knew what was happening inside me. He obviously didn't but God did. I experienced the love of God. Even when I had gone my own way and turned my back on him, he reached out and took hold of me and drew me close to himself. I experienced the love of God personally.

With time I got involved with VCF and found another community like the one I left in Kuching. I found the company of friends to be uplifting. On Saturdays I would attend EYN at SIB Airport Road. Joshua would take us there, and we would have dinner afterwards.

My new VCF family provided the support I needed. There are many things you cannot come right out and say, even to your closest friends, and you really don't have to. 

I was accepted in VCF. I found joy attending the VCF celebrations. Later I was part of the organizing team. I forgot my sorrows, I found joy again. But the scar was still there and I was still scared. I never really got to know anyone else, I never tried to get a girlfriend. Even when my close friends tried to match me with Oja, we discovered we're much more like brothers and sisters than anything else. In her words, he's not a bad guy but there's no spark. 

Deep down I was still scared and lacked confidence. I always wondered if I have learned all the lessons I needed to learn to make a new relationship better than the previous one. I didn't want to be heartbroken again or break any girl's heart.

I'm sorry. I was young, and foolish and immature. I was strong-willed and rigid. I'm sorry for all I put you through. I had hoped to do this in person but that may never happen. Gomen nasai. Sorry for the hurtful things I said. Find it in your heart to forgive me. I forgive you too. And I release you from my heart.

I've come to a point in my life where I feel like it's time to take a chance again. I'm not the man I used to be. By God's grace I'm better in all the ways that matter. I'm more mature, I've been through things that have moulded and shaped my character. I'm an uncle to 6 beautiful nieces that I adore like my very own children. I don't smile much but I'm happy when I'm with them. 

It's time. It's time to let someone else in. It's time to take a chance to be hurt again. It's time for new experiences, it's time for a new chapter. 

Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for teaching me how to treat a girl. But it's time. I let you go from my heart. I hope you've let me go too.

Sayonara, we de peng you.

-ONWARD!

Thoughts of an almost 40 year old

I'm at the office, its almost two in the afternoon. It's a slow day. My boss is not in the office today, she usually takes Fridays off. I'm listening to Bossa Nova music on one of the millions of tabs on this Brave browser. It rained for a bit just now, the roof still has the sound of dropping water. It's quite cool, the fans are not on, but there's a nice gentle draft in the office.

Since my last birthday, I've been thinking a lot about the next one. Next year I turn 40. Four decades of life. Can you believe it? It's wild. 

I've been thinking about how I lived the first forty years of my life, the decisions I made and how they turned out, what I can do differently going forward. 

Usually people mark this milestone with big parties and photoshoots and more but it's really not my thing. However I feel like it should be marked in some way but thinking right here I can't think about what to do. I like cake so maybe a small thing that involves a cake? Beyond the festivities, there are more serious decisions to make. For example, why I'm not yet married. Is it really that I can't find a mate or is it money? What is it? What can I change? Deep down do I really want to get married or do I really want to make money?

People say you don't need money to get married and they give examples, some even of themselves, how they got married with little money. I don't doubt their experience but if I'm honest, I don't buy it. There's a reason why next to infidelity, money is the main reason marriages break up. I'd rather stay as I am than become a statistic. C'est la vie.

I've also been thinking about my job. I thank God for the job I have, it has been a training opportunity to develop my character and skills. I also like that I get to do things for God as part of my job. As time has passed, I've noticed a kind of ceiling, a creative and financial ceiling I can no longer ignore. In response I've been taking courses to gain more skill and improve myself. I've gotten into marketing and copywriting and find that it's something I enjoy doing. It's something I'm pursuing seriously to see how far I can go. Like most people I desire financial freedom and more flexibility with work. I want to work from Nigeria for international businesses and earn in US Dollars. I want to work on my terms and at my pace, and I definitely want to exit this rat race.

So that's love and money. The next thing is faith. 
While I'm come quite far in my faith, I see there's a lot more to do and know about what I believe. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am spiritually, with my relationship with God and the expression of my faith. Yes, I go to church, yes I teach in a small group, yes I serve in Church but personally, there are depths in God I've not explored. I've been playing it safe in the shallow part. 
What does a fully spiritual me look like? How do I get there?
I know how, and there is desire but I probably lack the will to put in the work.
Sometime I wonder if I sat down with Jesus and had a heart to heart talk and he honestly told me what he really thinks of me, if I would be proud to hear what he has to say. I think he would rebuke me in the most gentle way, just like Peter. (Do you love me more than these?)

One thing I am sure of is that I really want to be present for my family. I have six nieces that mean the world to me, and I want to be there for them. I want to be present for my sisters and brother. I want to be there for my parents. Nothing matters quite as much as my family at this time. They are my why, they are the motivation for any change I'm considering.

Until next time.

-ONWARD!

I dream of food

I had two dreams on two consecutive nights both involving food - mostly rice, both in Malaysia, I suppose because the people and the food are Malaysian.

Maybe My subconscious mind links Malaysia with food.

-ONWARD!

500 Miles From Home

Lord I'm one, Lord I'm two, Lord I'm three, Lord I'm four,
Lord I'm 500 miles from my home.
500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles, 500 miles
Lord I'm five hundred miles from my home.

- 500 Miles - Peter, Paul & Mary

I love this song. I found a cover by Yanamoto Junko and it's the best rendition in my opinion. 

I've been struggling with, I'm not sure what it is. I've had depression in the past but this is different. I feel like the lyrics of this song, like I'm quite far away from home. Home is not a place where I live, it's where I belong. I'm far from the place where I belong, where I am complete, put together, coherent, alive.

I don't really understand, that's probably why I'm writing this, to get it all out and make some sense of what this...okay so I need a name for it. I'm broken. Brokenness. That's it. This is a more fitting song.

… I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
Broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

… I'm not alright, I'm not alright, I'm not alright, that's why I need you

 

- Broken Inside by Sanctus Real

The king and his men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again.

I feel like there's no life inside, like my light is dim or out. Work is exhausting, and borderless. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is continue working. For me there's a clear boundary between work and home. I don't even think about work stuff, I don't plan anything, it's a different zone, a different environment. I finally get to have time to myself to do the things that matter to me, but no.  I still get calls, zoom meetings, whatsApp, there's really no escape. And for what? What do I get for all this? I can't think of anything.

 

The only thing that gives me joy are my nieces and of course family and watching TV series and Anime on my phone.

I seriously need a change. I can't go on like this. Help me. Put me back together again. Give me back joy.

-ONWARD!

Faith as desperation

I recently read Luke 5:16-26 again, and shared it at work at our morning devotion. 

Have you ever noticed how what you got in your personal time with God in the morning gets expanded upon once you share it, or when you go back to it? You get more added than you received previously.

The story is familiar but as people kept sharing their thoughts, what registered for me was something someone said: even where there was no space, they created a space for themselves and their friend. That's a powerful picture.

I fall in the camp of those who get tired quickly when seeking something. I'm easily worn out. Yet these friends went all the way. The large crowd did not deter them, they could have given up and gone home, they could have had a legitimate excuse, but they were determined to get help for their friend today. Their desperation for their friend was called faith, and their faith was rewarded. 

It seems counterintuitive that you would ask desperately from a loving God who calls himself our heavenly father but he requires and even commends this desperation.

Jesus even told two stories that explore this theme of desperation as faith. The story Syrophoenician woman and the story of the unjust judge.

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him Hebrews 11:16 NIV

I learned that faith means coming again, and again, and again, raising the issue one more time, and not stopping until you receive what you seek. Sometimes it requires a desperate act, a kind of stubbornness on our part to demand attention to the issue we are raising. The Syrophoenician woman was not discouraged, aggravated or offended when Jesus called her a dog she would bear any insult to get that crumb which was sufficient to get the healing she wanted for her daughter. These friends were not deterred by the large crowds, they did what was unthinkable, they didn't care whose house they defaced, or the consequences. Time will come to settle those matters but right now, they needed to reach Jesus.

I fear that I am much too reasonable, much too calm, much too self-conscious to do something so daring and over the top. Something in me says, I shouldn't have to do all that. Yet there are these examples and the commendation from the Master - he saw their faith. Could it be that he is waiting to see my faith?

-ONWARD!