random monologues

Maybe you can't take it, just like I couldn't. But its okay. I'm fine with that. Its for the best. Live long and prosper. Really.

Why can't things just go according to plan? Why is it that every time you try to organise things it always, almost out of rebellion wants to get disorganised and random. Its like trying to force two north poles of a magnet together. As soon as you let go it does its own thing.

They say you learn to make good decisions by making lots of bad ones. Well that's a bit scary. Actually its very scary considering that your bad decision might course someone their life, if you're like a doctor or a pilot or someone responsible for other people which is pretty much everyone alive. It can also course you your own life, or happiness or something good. But that's the way it is. Makes me think of Ecclesiastes when the wise man was saying everything is vanity, a chasing after the wind. And it is. Really.

What if you could suspend all your fears? What if they didn't matter anymore? What would you do? What won't you do? That's a dangerous way to think and to live because you could be caught in two extremes. You could be very nonchalant and quite frankly destructive. On the flip side you could be more daring yet tempered with a gentle dose of caution and common sense. Either way its dangerous but only one way is beneficial.

Switching gears.

Will I ever love again
An interesting question. Almost everyone who had 'loved and lost' as they say, ask this question. On twitter it seems like there are a lot of people in this category. You think that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, or no one can make me feel the say she did or you can't find a person like that anymore. Its very difficult to see people hurting, especially if you can relate. Like if you had this terrible migrane and its not a usual thing for you but there was this one time when it hit you and you felt like its the worst thing in the world but you got over it and if someone came to you and said: oh man! I have this terrible migrane, you can relate and 'feel their pain', as they say. Most of the times there's nothing you can do except just reassuring them that it will pass, take medication, rest more and stuff like that.

Being with someone changes you, losing them changes you again. There's a tendency to become cynical and scared but its not necessary to feel that way. At least I don't think so. Sometimes its no one's fault and things just happen. Like those magnets. Like I said in the previous post, there are things that make you unique and different and attractive to at least one person. And I know its a small number but it counts. (One of these days I'll post about the influence of one person). And it will be a shame, and a general disservice to yourself and to everyone else to become cynical, angry jealous, and other ugly expressions because something 'bad' happened to you. And you lose that something special. You're not unique in your experiences. People go through worse stuff and still find a reason to smile and be nice. Some of the kindest people have had their heart broken, so giving excuses and sulking is just not sexy attractive.

Will I love again? Absolutely. If you want to. But you must want to. It may take time to get back on your feet and clear your mind and decide what you want. But sure, why not? Everyone is flawed in at least one way that drives your crazy. They will get on your nerves, they will hurt you, they will say not so nice things about you. Can you deal with that? If its too much then consider staying by yourself. You'll probably find something to fill your life with joy. Or not. Who knows? We all harvest what we plant. We all reap what we sow. That sounds better. Giving your heart away is the most unselfish thing humans can do.

-ONWARD!

You

We've probably heard this before: "There are things that only you can do really well." And we believe it but most time the problem is, well, what are those things I can do better than anyone else? Good question. As tempting as it is to offer an answer, not that I have one, I feel like that question opens the door to discovering new, different things about yourself that you never knew.

I love to write. Most times I'm not coherent, and sometimes I don't know what to write about but there's always a compulsion to write. I remember back in primary school, there was this girl I liked and I was too shy to talk to her so I wrote a letter expressing myself but never actually sent it. In fact that note never left my house. That was the earliest memory I had of me, wanting to put something down. I also love playing badminton. I'm not half as good as I want to be. And it seems like I don't improve after playing for a few years. But I enjoy it. I really do. Recently I started playing the guitar. Well playing is a little bit of a stretch. I know a few basic chords and as long as its not a fast song and its a really really simple song I can manage changing chords and stuff but I learned that I enjoy these things.

Well what are you really good at?
I have no idea. But here's my point. You will never find what you are good at until you try lots of stuff. And there will be things you know right away, no that's definitely not for me. And some things you kind of grow into as you get older. Like talking in front of people. It gets better because you outgrow your fears and over the course of your life you would have been put in enough situations where you have to talk to a lot of people at the same time that you just get used to it. Even better at it.

There are indeed some things that you can do better than anyone else. And sometimes its not things that are 'marketable'. It could be as simple as always being there for your friends, listening to them 'complain' and share their feelings and stuff. Not everyone can do that. Most people can tolerate it for a while until they cannot take it anymore. That's something. Use it. Do not disregard it. Do not belittle it. Use it.

When God spoke to Moses and asked him to go set the people of Israel free. Moses complained. Typical right? But God asked him, what is that on your hands? He had a staff (Exodus 3 & 4 if you are curious). A staff is a starting place, something familiar, to ease you into something unfamiliar, even uncomfortable but ultimately good.

This year I didn't really want to get too involved in doing things because I felt so unhappy with a lot of things and it is really my loss but I really feel like I need to step back and "search my feelings" haha. No. Think about why I'm doing all these things or not doing all these things and have a good reason. Today I was reminded to hope again. If you were hanging off a cliff by a thread called hope. That thread is strong enough to carry your weight back up if you won't let go. So this is really for me. To hope again. To encourage myself in the Lord, as my mommy always reminds me. Man can she spam.

There are things you can do really well, better than anyone else, simply because it is you doing it. You bring your uniqueness, your personality into it, you bring yourself into it. And it is good. My encouragement is to keep doing those things. Because its not always the fastest that wins the race, but the persistent.

Matthew 24:13 But the one who endures to the end will be saved.

-ONWARD! Like a boss.

27

Yesterday was my birthday and throughout the day, all I kept thinking was how faithful and merciful God has been. Thank You Lord for one more year.

-ONWARD!

dont be afraid, trust me

I was going through a few notes in my notebook this morning and found this one while I was reading the book of Mark. It deals with having faith, something I'm still not very good at.

Mark 5
Jesus heals a demon possessed man and asks him to tell his friends what has happened to him. (Interesting he didn't say family. Maybe he had no family. Interesting also that a demon possessed man would have friends). He went on to share his story to 10 cities, which is amazing considering the size of one city.
Tell them:

• The wonderful things he has done
• How merciful he has been

What wonderful things has the Lord done for you that you can share?

Jesus always seems to emphasize a practice of faith. The woman who had haemorrhaging for 12 years just believed that simply touching Jesus' clothes would heal her. And it worked. Jesus stopped to look for her just to commend her on her faith. In fact He seems to be annoyed when people display a lack of faith. In Jairus' house he ordered everyone out so he can be surrounded by people who had the same faith that the little girl would live again.

What does this mean for me? In what ways can I display faith where I used to doubt? What things can be possible today if I just believe? "Don't be afraid", Jesus told Jairus, "Trust me".

Mark 6

And he was amazed at their unbelief. 

Our unbelief can stop God from acting on our behalf. No matter how dire or unrealistic a situation, always believe in God to see you through it, to make a way. Make room for him to perform his miracle.

-ONWARD!

holding on

When all is lost, all I remember is that You are good. You are pure good. And You love me. More than I will ever know. So I trust you with my life. I wish it was easier than trying to find my own way, easier than thinking how to make a good life for myself, working harder than I have ever done before. But I believe in you. Don't let me be put the shame. Even if that happens, where else can I go?

-ONWARD!