I'm at the office, its almost two in the afternoon. It's a slow day. My boss is not in the office today, she usually takes Fridays off. I'm listening to Bossa Nova music on one of the millions of tabs on this Brave browser. It rained for a bit just now, the roof still has the sound of dropping water. It's quite cool, the fans are not on, but there's a nice gentle draft in the office.
Since my last birthday, I've been thinking a lot about the next one. Next year I turn 40. Four decades of life. Can you believe it? It's wild.
I've been thinking about how I lived the first forty years of my life, the decisions I made and how they turned out, what I can do differently going forward.
Usually people mark this milestone with big parties and photoshoots and more but it's really not my thing. However I feel like it should be marked in some way but thinking right here I can't think about what to do. I like cake so maybe a small thing that involves a cake? Beyond the festivities, there are more serious decisions to make. For example, why I'm not yet married. Is it really that I can't find a mate or is it money? What is it? What can I change? Deep down do I really want to get married or do I really want to make money?
People say you don't need money to get married and they give examples, some even of themselves, how they got married with little money. I don't doubt their experience but if I'm honest, I don't buy it. There's a reason why next to infidelity, money is the main reason marriages break up. I'd rather stay as I am than become a statistic. C'est la vie.
I've also been thinking about my job. I thank God for the job I have, it has been a training opportunity to develop my character and skills. I also like that I get to do things for God as part of my job. As time has passed, I've noticed a kind of ceiling, a creative and financial ceiling I can no longer ignore. In response I've been taking courses to gain more skill and improve myself. I've gotten into marketing and copywriting and find that it's something I enjoy doing. It's something I'm pursuing seriously to see how far I can go. Like most people I desire financial freedom and more flexibility with work. I want to work from Nigeria for international businesses and earn in US Dollars. I want to work on my terms and at my pace, and I definitely want to exit this rat race.
So that's love and money. The next thing is faith.
While I'm come quite far in my faith, I see there's a lot more to do and know about what I believe. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am spiritually, with my relationship with God and the expression of my faith. Yes, I go to church, yes I teach in a small group, yes I serve in Church but personally, there are depths in God I've not explored. I've been playing it safe in the shallow part.
What does a fully spiritual me look like? How do I get there?
I know how, and there is desire but I probably lack the will to put in the work.
Sometime I wonder if I sat down with Jesus and had a heart to heart talk and he honestly told me what he really thinks of me, if I would be proud to hear what he has to say. I think he would rebuke me in the most gentle way, just like Peter. (Do you love me more than these?)
While I'm come quite far in my faith, I see there's a lot more to do and know about what I believe. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am spiritually, with my relationship with God and the expression of my faith. Yes, I go to church, yes I teach in a small group, yes I serve in Church but personally, there are depths in God I've not explored. I've been playing it safe in the shallow part.
What does a fully spiritual me look like? How do I get there?
I know how, and there is desire but I probably lack the will to put in the work.
Sometime I wonder if I sat down with Jesus and had a heart to heart talk and he honestly told me what he really thinks of me, if I would be proud to hear what he has to say. I think he would rebuke me in the most gentle way, just like Peter. (Do you love me more than these?)
One thing I am sure of is that I really want to be present for my family. I have six nieces that mean the world to me, and I want to be there for them. I want to be present for my sisters and brother. I want to be there for my parents. Nothing matters quite as much as my family at this time. They are my why, they are the motivation for any change I'm considering.
Until next time.