I've not told this story publicly but I think it's time. I want to be clear, I don't want to dig up old things or to throw anyone under the bus. I just want to express my feelings and tell my story.
Towards the end there was a lot of confusion. There were so many stories, I was not sure what to believe. I didn't know what was true and what was lies and deceptions. I was confused. It was a transition time for me. New city, new school, new reality. I was scared too.
I got the call in the worst possible time. I remember I was at Colombia Asia getting my physical done when I heard the words, let go and let God. I was heartbroken. I cried.
The days that followed were unlike anything I had experienced prior. For the first time I felt so numb. I was depressed. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to attend class, or eat or go to church. I just wanted to sleep, and be alone. I spent all my time in my room at Curtin Villa. I would watch my roommate Agilan go for classes in the morning and come back in the evening. I turned down his invitations to have dinner together. I felt bad for doing it but I couldn't help myself.
I kept replaying the scenes of the past couple of days over and over in my mind. I kept thinking what I would have done differently. I was stuck in a loop.
With time, I found the courage to open up to some people and share what I want going through. Samson was in a similar situation at the time with his LDR and we had something in common. Talking helped.
With time, I found the courage to attend church again. During that time it seems like the message was prepared for me and not the entire congregation, as if Pastor Hii knew what was happening inside me. He obviously didn't but God did. I experienced the love of God. Even when I had gone my own way and turned my back on him, he reached out and took hold of me and drew me close to himself. I experienced the love of God personally.
With time I got involved with VCF and found another community like the one I left in Kuching. I found the company of friends to be uplifting. On Saturdays I would attend EYN at SIB Airport Road. Joshua would take us there, and we would have dinner afterwards.
My new VCF family provided the support I needed. There are many things you cannot come right out and say, even to your closest friends, and you really don't have to.
I was accepted in VCF. I found joy attending the VCF celebrations. Later I was part of the organizing team. I forgot my sorrows, I found joy again. But the scar was still there and I was still scared. I never really got to know anyone else, I never tried to get a girlfriend. Even when my close friends tried to match me with Oja, we discovered we're much more like brothers and sisters than anything else. In her words, he's not a bad guy but there's no spark.
Deep down I was still scared and lacked confidence. I always wondered if I have learned all the lessons I needed to learn to make a new relationship better than the previous one. I didn't want to be heartbroken again or break any girl's heart.
I'm sorry. I was young, and foolish and immature. I was strong-willed and rigid. I'm sorry for all I put you through. I had hoped to do this in person but that may never happen. Gomen nasai. Sorry for the hurtful things I said. Find it in your heart to forgive me. I forgive you too. And I release you from my heart.
I've come to a point in my life where I feel like it's time to take a chance again. I'm not the man I used to be. By God's grace I'm better in all the ways that matter. I'm more mature, I've been through things that have moulded and shaped my character. I'm an uncle to 6 beautiful nieces that I adore like my very own children. I don't smile much but I'm happy when I'm with them.
It's time. It's time to let someone else in. It's time to take a chance to be hurt again. It's time for new experiences, it's time for a new chapter.
Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for teaching me how to treat a girl. But it's time. I let you go from my heart. I hope you've let me go too.
Sayonara, we de peng you.
-ONWARD!
