It's not about me

I was washing my mom's car ahead of church tomorrow and thinking through somethings. I was not happy with where my relationship with God was. I felt like most of what I ask for never go answered. Although I must admit that many things I didn't ask for, I got. Yet it was frustrating.

I don't quite know who talks back when I'm thinking through things in my mind, whether it's my mind or the Holy Spirit but I heard someone say, what about what God wants? And I froze at that question.

I had forgotten about God. I had formed a habit of just asking, asking and not caring about him. After all it's a relationship, between me and God. Come to think of it, I should serve his need not him serving mine. God is so humble even though he is All Powerful and doesn't need me, really.

I was created to serve the need of God not my needs. Jesus died on the cross to purchase me from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of God. He paid with his life. I belong to him, I'm his property. I should serve him. He should be the one telling me what He wants me to do. But I get angry because he didn't do the things I asked for. What a poor, blind, ignorant, entitled fool I've been.

The interesting thing is that when I serve God's needs, my needs are served in that very act. When I please him, I am fulfilled. I find my purpose in fulfilling his purpose. I find my joy in his joy, they are connected. So the focus really should be about Him, what he wants me to do, how he wants me to live, not what I want.

I thank the Holy Spirit, it can't be my own spirit speaking like this. I thank Him for always speaking truth to me when I need it the most. And I hope now to focus more on the needs of God more than mine, and if possible, find my joy only in His joy.

-ONWARD!

Mulan

Just finished watching this movie. I never really watched the original Disney animated Mulan so I have nothing to compare this movie to. As usual this is not a review, just my thoughts and impressions of the movie.

Liu Yifei
She plays Mulan and does so wonderfully. I love the relationship she has with her sister, how she looks out for her how she also looks up to her. Her father was different from most typical fathers of the time, he indulged her and allowed her flourish as a kid, doing what she wanted to do, nurturing her spirit, well, until external pressures made him change. That's the sad thing about life, we tend to start out quite well until external pressures force us to conform to the pattern of this life. The challenge is to somehow never change, to find a way to keep that inner child, that wild one alive somewhere and carry it with you. When the time is right it will come out.

She played the role of a male soldier very close to convincingly. It was obvious to me that she was a girl, I don't know how anyone would confuse her. The shape of her head, how her hair falls into place, key eyes, the whole physique. I know it's a movie but I was not convinced just so anxious she doesn't get caught as a girl in camp. So much that I had to break the movie into a two days because I couldn't stand the possibility of her being found out. The scene by the lake was too close for comfort. I should have known, but still.

Traditional Beliefs

I didn't care too much for all the talk about Chi and Pheonix guarding Mulan, stuff like that. No disrespect for people who believe that stuff but, I just blanked those parts out of my mind and focused on what I think it a decent story.

Family
So for me this movie is about Honor, Respect, Honesty, Truth, Bravery, Family and being your true self. It sucks doing something that is deceitful, it's like a knot being tied in your stomach and it kills you inside. The first time you try it, it's super difficult but if you persist, it gets easier, only your inner death is complete. It's never worth it to do something deceitfully. 

Speaking the truth sometimes make you feel dirty but it's better. Sometimes you don't get rewarded for saying the truth, you could even get fired but it's worth it. It's far better to speak the truth than to continue keeping a lie.

Family is the core of every society. When the family is strong, the society is strong. Never neglect your family. Honor them. Value them.

The Witch

We have to make the right choices. Too bad what happened to her but I guess she tried to redeem herself in the end. Don't join with Witches, don't make the same mistakes they made.

I enjoyed the movie, as a movie. Some people complain about many things in this movie. I think it's fine. No need to over-analyze and criticize. 

That's it.

-ONWARD!

How do you choose?

Hello, it's me.

I always want to write more but can't seem to find the time. Do you ever feel like you want to do everything all at once? Like it's such a shame you have to choose to do this thing, and that thing and not all things you are interested in, and there's  not enough time both in 24hr cycles and the length of days to exhaustively explore all your interests? I feel that way all the time. It is both good and bad. Honestly I think it's terrible.

More and more I'm learning the need for focus. Focus means saying no to all the things you are interested in, passionate about, and picking one thing to do repeatedly until you have mastered it. Focus means saying no to a million things so you can say yes to one. Once I think about it, that's basically how the world works. A man chooses a woman out of the multitude of women and says to her, will you marry me, she also chooses him out of the multitude. Out of the millions of sperms swimming, only one finds the egg and fertilizes it. So why is it so difficult to cut everything else out and fixate on one?

Well when you choose one, how do you know that's the best one? How do you know that your happiness is maximised by the one you have chosen? Would choosing another one be better for you in the long term or not? There is risk involved in choosing. You never really know for sure if you have chosen the best. You think you have, you hope you have but you really don't know for sure. To know for sure, you need a way to evaluate all the different options and come out with the best. Humans are not capable of doing this, because we are bad at knowing what is good and it takes so much time to explore each option than the length of our days. This stuff is the preserve of God. So what do we do?

-ONWARD!

He must live

It's my birthday. This year is with every year, I am so grateful to God for life. I was very sick as a baby and as a toddler. As a teenager I had this huge yellow patch on my face right through high school. Nothing my mom tried worked. My classmates called me all kinds of names because of that patch. I also developed disgust for medicine due to all the medicines i had to take during this period.

As a young adult, there were several times I could have died. This one time we went to a park in Miri that had a waterfall. It was great. I can't swim so I stay in the shallow parts of any water body. I'm used to the gentle slope you experience at the beach so I approached this lake with that mindset. Expecting the gradual decline and experiencing a shock when suddenly there was nothing I could stand on. I sank and the bottom was deep. I went down once, came back up, looked around and everyone was laughing. I went the second time and as I came out I screamed help and a strong arm held me and led me out of the water. It was Jeremy. I could have died that day but didn't.

Designed this in Inkscape on the eve of my birthday

As I was praying, I suddenly realize contentions for my life and how God steps in always to say He Must Live. It's a privilege to have a father in heaven.

I'm grateful for my friends far and near and for my family. When I look back there is so much that has happened and I was just telling God that I am expectant to see what he has in store for me in the coming years.

Thank you father for life. I am grateful.

-ONWARD!

Its not about you

Hello. It's been a while.
So covid19 happened, everyone is home to help control the spread. We mostly have a lot of free time to do the things we have been meaning to do but couldn't because life or work gets in the way. But now there are very little excuses so there have been lots of baking, and making and creating and sharing and social going on virtually as we try to connect in safe ways enjoying each other's company, missing physical presence.

I've gone back to my old habits - books. I have a few books around I've not read and some I am re-reading because they're so good. I've also rediscovered my time alone with God, just studying and asking lots of questions, seeking the answers. This is a unique season to build up spiritually, to strengthen what remains and to add to what is already established.

I hope to write more since I have lots of free time, we'll see how it goes. But today I just want to share a brief word.

Sometimes the things we go through are not really about us. It's for the person, even if it's one person who will need your help, your wisdom or encouragement because you went through that one thing - disappointment, delays, heartbreak etc. I realize that God makes us go through these things sometimes to be a help to somebody else down the road. We don't realize until much later and God owes us no explanation. We ought to simply trust him and follow curiously and confidently.

I'll give an example with the story of Joseph. No one went through so much hardship like this man but he did not lose his courage, enthusiasm or trust in God. He never was sulking or disheartened. He never got angry with God for all the hard times. He knew it's all part of the journey and the destination was sure. At the end he was made prime minister of Egypt, and for what reason? To save his entire family. He went through such a winding road to the exact spot he needed to be to save his household and a whole nation. This is what God can do with your challenges and with your life if you will quit  struggling, quit asking why, quit trying to do your own thing and just trust him with the results. Surrender and the journey will be faster and in the end it will all be revealed what he was trying to accomplish with your life.

It's just a short word, I hope it blesses you. Until next time.

-ONWARD!