i choose

i choose

to be happy

to wake up everyday and smile

to be silent

to be crazy

to observe

to do something out of the ordinary

to forget

to forgive

to be quiet

to love

to care

to refuse

to stick to the plan

to be hopeful

to have faith

to remain strong

to be faithful as long as i can

to obey

to disobey

to comply

to go with the flow

to stand out

to be unpopular

to relate 

to refrain

to remember

to call

to say hi

everyday.

~shalom~

melody of you

I know i've talked about sixpence none the richer before. I really like them la especially the voice of their lead singer leigh nash. I think she has a very distinctly beautiful voice.

I've searched a bit and couldn't find the influences for the song melody of you but couldn't really find much. I like this song because of the nice guitar accompaniment if you can it that. Its not like most songs, there's no noise, nothing unnecessary, just the instruments and her voice, straight to the point, soothing. Enjoy this with me.

Melody of you 

you're a painting with symbols deep, symphony
soft as it shifts from dark beneath
a poem that flows, caressing my skin
in all of these things you reside and I
want you flow from the pen, bow and brush
with paper and string, and canvas tight
with ink in the air, to dust your light?
from morning to the black of night

[Chorus]
this is my call I belong to You
this is my call to sing the melodies of You
this is my call I can do nothing else
I can do nothing else

you're the scent of an unfound bloom
a simple tune
I only write variations to sooth the mood
a drink that will knock me down to the floor
a key that will unlock the door
where I hear a voice sing familiar themes
then beckons me weave notes in between
a bow and a string, a tap and a glass
you pour me till the day has passed....

~shalom~

a place to call home

I've done a few crazy things in my life, like the time when we went to the ps conference at sunway and the very next week i went to kl again, then to singapore with michael and philip but at least we flew and i love flying. Going back to kuching after just coming back is not particularly surprising even though i must say i was surprised i agreed to go with jacqueline and jmee. But i guess was shocked how in such a short time jacq could find people to go with her so i join lo.

Bethany is like my home la, so coming back is so normal for me. I am so grateful for that, you can't possibly imagine how grateful i am to be able to do whatever i can just to help out. I know and i pray that the time will come when i will no longer be needed because there will be people falling over themselves to help. And it will happen but for now i just enjoy doing whatever i can.

Come to think of it, thats just the way i am, thats they way my mom is, thats the way my dad is, they can be called upon last minute and they have to answer. I remember times when my dad will be called to take a job in the middle of the night and i'll have to go open the gate for him. My mom never rests. She has this miraclous ability to keep on working even when everyone is half dead.

Planetshakers was very good. Things are always frantic when there's an event and this time was no exception. You have to be flexible and do your part. I hope the young people got a thrill out of it. Some how planetshakers made me realise how old i am. The kids just kept screaming and i don't get why they were screaming. Obviously they were thrilled, excited to meet the planetshakers live. I just didn't get it, guess i was more focused on making sure the lyrics were displayed in sync.

I felt so blessed by bethany and pst cheli and I dunno why he just keeps giving and giving. I really appreciate how he treats me like a son. Arigato gazaimasu.

Its good to have a place to go. A place you can call home. A place where you are accepted, protected, celebrated and I thank God for such a place. I hope that we can create this kind of place in our cell groups and in our houses with our housemates and among our friends :)

~shalom~

valentines day reflections

Its acutally tuesday the 10th at 3:24 in the morning and i'm listening to my japanese playlist that has Utada Hikaru and Yui.

Since its valentines day i thought i would share something personal. I don't think i've shared this to many people but i feel the time is right. Thats what this blog is about, being real. I got permission to share this, thats the only reason its here because its not just about me.

Its impossible not to think of the life i once had with someone very special. We became official in December of 2004 and that started an incredible phase in my life. I celebrated my 20th and 21st birthday with her and made one of her dreams come true :)

I have never been in a relationship prior to this one so she was my first and quite frankly i wished she would be my last also because i knew how murky relationships could be. But i had no clue. I remember on a christmas visitation pst cheli noticed we were getting closer and he adviced me to seek God first. I knew he meant well but at the time i felt like why can't he just support me on this. He was more like a hinderance at that point in my mind. But he was right and i didn't i just too the plunge, went with my heart. Did i make a mistake? No. Huh, no? NO.

First time i saw her i was like wow. Who is that? She was still was still young, doing her form 5 or so. Don't quite remember and she was not single at the time. We went to the Goodnews anniversary and naturally i was shy to talk to her hence quiet and observing; my default mode. I think in my heart at that time i said to God i want someone like her. Long story short, it didn't work out with the other guy and we became close and then in december that year i asked her and we were official.

Maybe someday i will share about my family background but lets just say my parents were not the loving kind so without any place to draw experience from on how to love a girl i entered the relationship to learn. And i'm grateful for her resilience and patience with me.

As with every serious relationship we had lots of fight. I think mainly because i didnt have a clue what women want and still don't. And also because of our cultural backgrounds. So we fought over stuff like me not calling enough, not communicating and stuff like that. And other stuff that i'm simply not used to like holding hands. I dont see the big deal but for her it was important to be seen, with me. So slowing i started holding her hands lo what to do. 

One thing with relationships is that its real, it will affect every area of your life and especially when you are young it is hard to maintain a healthy relationship and your school life. Its really difficult to strike that balance so my grades started slipping and i was scared. I was worried and told her well its her fault. It wasn't really the best way to deal with the situation and i set up our first separation. I'm not sure why but at that point i was willing to turn my back on God's instrument to change my life in ways nothing else could. She cried and it hurt me because i didn't like to see her cry. And I will never forget what she said, 'why do you give up so easily?'

I've come to thank God for that statement because it allowed me the opportunity to look at my life and see that she was right. When things get tough or never go my way i bail and that was one of the things i needed to change in my life. I needed to become someone that will face my problems head on and even though i didnt manage to resolve them at least i attempted and the experience is not lost. 

After a few weeks or so i couldn't take it anymore, missed her too much :p apologised to her and we got back together. Until now i don't know why she had so much hope and why she stood by me all the way even when i push her away.

Maintaining a relationship is expensive. Think trips to the movies, sms, phone calls... but i thank God that he provided for us so we didn't make to make too much sacrifices. At the time digi had the mtv powerpack with free sms to your friends and family contacts. That in my opinion was God's gift to all couples in malaysia ehehe. And thank God for msn and skype :p for providing those weekends where we could catch up. For us it was very strange in that i only saw her face to face only a few weeks in a year since we are in different parts of malaysia and we continued this way for two years so distant relationships can work if there's a committment. Those times when she comes back were very precious and we would spend a lot time together. Sometimes she cooks because i dont cook anything :) 

I'm a homey person so i'm very happy staying indoors all day. She's the opposite, cannot stay at a place. Thats one of the things i didnt realise until very late. I just didnt think of how different we were in many ways. It was not a bad different, it was a very good complimentary different. Where she's weak i tend to be stronger and where she's strong i tend to be weaker. She's a people person, i'm not really. I try but she's a natural. And thats what i told this other girl who for some reason liked me. Didn't want to reveal herself but managed to get my email and mailed me with some interesting revelations. I just told her i'm committed to someone and i couldn't possibly think of doing anything else to hurt her seeing that i have done it so much. And that she compliments me in many ways. For some reason that scared her off and didn't hear from her again.

There were dark times for us, for her specially. I am naturally selfish and want to always have fun and so made some stupid decisions that really really was a deal breaker. And she never really recovered from my big folly. Its too personal and too hurting to share here so i will live it at that. But one thing you realise especially when you were brought up to be very independent is that the one you love will be clingy. And for some guys its ok, for others, it freaks them out so you get some people saying, i just want a little space. Now girls think the guys want to break up with them when i reality they just want to have some time alone, to be by themselves or just to do what boys do best, play. Girls don't' realise this so instead of just understanding they cling even more and you know the guy can't take it and he just storms and girl gets hurt. 

I also think its important to maintain some of your close friendship with others. Its sad when someone gets into a relationship and their relationships with some of their other friends suffers because there's no time to spend with them. Its healthy to look outside your lovely world and see other people, let them know you haven't ditched them because the time will come when you need someone else to talk to or hang out with when she's away :)

I think whats important in a relationship is trust and understanding and this comes by sharing. Sharing whats in your heart, your head with each other. Don't keep things to yourself, share. Doesnt matter if its lame or stupid or if she will laugh. She's your girl so trust her. 

What i miss the most i would say is someone to talk to. I know it sounds weird because i rarely have anything to talk about but i was forced to learn to talk about all the obscure, miniscule, insignificant things that happened through out my day. I miss having someone to share all that with. 

So how did it end?

Well relationships dont run on love alone. And there's a larger world out there beyond the two of you. There are a lot of things to consider, future pursuits, families, and stuff and its important to think about the future before you begin. 

A lot of things happened la both good and bad but those were some of the best times of my life and No i didn't make a mistake. God let things happen. He gives and takes away. I'm not angry or hurt anymore, you know why? Because God is good and i have learned to trust God for my future and for the one that i call my wife, when the time comes everything will fall into place and i would be better prepared. So if i seem to be talking about relationships a lot these days i guess now you know why. I don't like to see people break up. Even though sometimes its inevitable and there's nothing you can do but before the point of no return. I think things can be resolved. Compromises can be struck. And if it really is the end, life goes on. The rain still falls. The birds still sing, people still fall in love. There's no need to be bitter or habour hate or make silly resolutions. Just pick yourself up and keep walking. Make the changes you need to make and learn from your mistake. Thats all.

So for all the love birds out there. Happy valentine's day. Its not just about the flowers, its about the one you love and valentine should not be relegated to one day ;)

~shalom~

going for the ps concert afterall

I got a message from philip the other day, he was sad i didnt tell him i was leaving kuching. I kind of forgot and well i feel bad la. Its been good coming back to miri. Although everyone is not back yet. At the moment its just me and my housemate at home. We recently restored our internet connection so i'm spending more time at home :) I really dont know what i would do if there was no internet and it feels good just being in my room again, with my bed again, and my aircon, my speakers, can play music again. I'm happy can you tell? Well bills have been paid, thanks to oja for driving us there and waiting patiently.

I thought i would be coming back to kuching in march for a friend's wedding since we had a two week break in march. Turns out the break is in April and i don't like the idea of traveling in the middle of the semester so i guess i won't be going for the wedding. However Jacqueline wants to go for the planetshakers concert and somehow found a way to convince a few other people to join her so i thought well since i won't be coming in march wth, just come now la. Its kind of crazy to be coming back to kuching after leaving less than a week ago but well i guess thats one of the advantages of being a student; less things to worry about, can do crazy things. So i hope i can meet up with philip and say a proper goodbye this time.

Spent most of today listening to music and playing facebook. There isn't much to do now but i guess that will change very soon once orientation starts and from then on it never stops until the end of the semester. I guess thats why we have so much breaks :P

For a while now i've been thinking through my life and experiences and have seen God's hands through all the major milestones of my life. And one thing i can say, well maybe two is that God is good. I'll say it again, God is pure good. And God has been faithful to me and my family in the ways he has created a way for us to continue to be a blessing. Makes me wonder what I have to do. Its unusual to be so blessed and do nothing, afterall to whom much is given much is required. I want more la. I want to see amazing things happen when I do simple things, i want to see lives changed. I want to pray more and a lot of other things. Tired of just observing.

~shalom~